Hi everyone. I was wondering if you could give me some insight into something that is still bothering me. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I'm 38 and the man in question is 45.
I dated a guy a while ago (thankfully not for too long!) and things were all good and fun initially, but over time I started noticing some really strange and concerning behaviour. Some of it was obviously problematic, but some of it was much more under-the-radar... and in hindsight, it definitely it contributed to me feeling constantly on edge around him.
Some examples.... Whenever he met one of my friends for the first time, he would inevitably start talking about very heavy subjects.... conflicts, arguments, fights etc.... He also never seemed to miss an opportunity to mention how many physical fights he'd been in. Violence isn't remotely part of my life, so it felt particularly odd and weird.
Several friends independently commented to me that they found his behaviour strange and 'too intense'. These weren't all friends who knew each other either, so it wasn't just one person influencing the others.
There were also some other really bizarre incidents.
We were sitting opposite each other in a pub one day. My back was to the window and his was facing it. Something happened outside that I hadn't noticed, and he suddenly jumped up, clenched his fist and went into what looked like a fighting stance. It was incredibly bizarre and quite frightening to witness.
It turned out to be a parking attendant giving someone a ticket. The owner of the car came running over, but there was no actual drama or confrontation between either of them. In fact, the parking attendant and the owner of the car ended up having a laugh.
Another time, he was at my house while I was washing the dishes. I was holding the handle of a pot and cleaning it when he suddenly screamed:
"FUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!"
I obviously jumped and spun around because I'd assumed something terrible had happened. But no... he'd simply received a WhatsApp message about his sports club/hobby. That was literally it. Nothing had happened that remotely warranted that level of reaction.
Another time, he had hurt himself when we went on a cycling trip. He had badly grazed his shoulder/upper arm and in fairness, very much bruised his shoulder too (by landing on it). When he went to the hospital for a check up since his heart rate was still very high in the days following and he was feeling faint, I suggested he wear a loose t-shirt to cover the exposed shoulder/skin since it was red raw. He insisted on saying 'no'. It was almost like he wanted to show off his 'toughness' to the general public.
There were other things too - but those are the examples that have stuck with me.
I did eventually get rid of him - and I'm very glad I did. I guess I'm writing this because I'm still struggling with the constant vigilance I seemed to develop around him... always wondering whether something innocuous was suddenly going to trigger a massive overreaction (not even necessarily coming MY way!) - or whether I was going to witness some strange aggressive behaviour. Not always aggressive as in 'angry' but more just.... bizarre reactions.
I know that any 'label' is ultimately irrelevant because I'm out of the relationship, but I'm curious: how would you describe this kind of behaviour?
Is it hypervigilance? A hair-trigger temper? Intimidating behaviour? Something else?
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing, where the individual incidents seem almost inexplicable, but taken together you realise you were constantly walking on eggshells?
Sorry if this is a weird question. I'm just trying to make sense of what I experienced.