New baby visiting

[Nofeckingway]

Mentioned on a previous post about this.
Just wondering why and when this all changed . Is it a thing promoted by midwives or health service information. ?

The idea of bonding and having to exclude visitors for long periods is alien to me and probably women of my generation. As is the idea of childbirth being such a traumatic experience that you need weeks to recover .

The anticipation of a new baby in a family is lovely thing and members naturally want to see the new mother and baby .

Hospitals previously had visiting hours for people to come . I even had work colleagues come to see me as hospital was local. And I loved having visitors at home as I was so proud and happy. I wasn't lying in state in a frilly nightgown for people to admire. Nobody overstayed or were a burden . DH could quite easily make anyone a cup of tea .

And in the US there are big delivery rooms where many family members stay . They wouldn't do this if it was unsafe . Also waiting rooms where even more family go to do maybe the DF or DFIL can also join in

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want as it's their birth, their baby, their decision. But I just wonder why when on here you can see how difficult this is in practice. Family feel shut out and MIL in particular.

Then when you need childcare or want grandparents to be involved it's a problem.
Things seem to always be on such rigid terms .

Of course there are exceptions if health risk , or difficult recovery . But most births are normal and straightforward.

So enlighten me as to why this is such a common thing to read about here on MN .

Agreed - I’m 59 and had my first 30 years ago. My MIL was present at the birth and we had lots of visitors- it was great.

That’s ridiculous. You don’t have to ‘buy’ a village by trading a look at the baby before you’ve delivered the placenta for later childcare. I didn’t see anyone for three weeks and DS has always had lovely, close, involved relationships with his grandparents, aunts and uncles.

In the 70s as first time mums we were cared for for 10 days in our cottage hospital, cooked breakfast and choice of evening meal. Ward Sister kept an eye on visitors & would chivvy them along if you were tired!
Help on hand for feeding, routines ect.
As new mums we got to know each other & would sometimes find lasting friendships. This was totally normal and the thought of being sent home 24 hours after giving birth would have seemed very strange & frightening.
I think some mums today without this level of care are probably scared of being overwhelmed and feel the need to protect their space.

I think that birth is more medicalised now and yet we’re still kicking mums out 6 hours post birth, most within 24 hours and even c section patients are coming home after 24-48 hours.

there’s no help or rest in hospital, you come home absolutely exhausted and not even having been bathed. You’re often kept awake on the ward as partners can often stay until 10pm making noise and chatting. There is often zero help on the ward to help with baby and definitely no nursery.

and then there’s the fact that often families live further apart so it’s not the new granny popping in for half an hour, often they want to spend the day or even stay for a week, often in a small house or flat, and it seems the experience is that’s often more hindrance than help.

my in laws came round and expected me to make tea and lunch for them.

second time around I was much more confident. I let them come round but I glued my bum to the sofa and told them to help themselves and when we got tired I went upstairs.

it feels very much like family feel they ‘deserve’ to see baby but they just ignore the mother and don’t come around to help support the whole family by having short visits, bringing a cooked meal, cleaning the kitchen etc and so many new parents decide they don’t want the hassle of hosting their people for the first few weeks

The couple across the road from us had a baby ,their second , in May, and I saw the dad in the garden and asked after his wife and the new baby and how their older child was getting on with their baby sister . I also said I had a few gifts I had bought, but hadn't brought them around because things had changed so much since I had my kids (30 odd years ago) and that I didn't know if they were wanting visitors or wanted to be left alone in the ' baby bubble '. He said that I was welcome to drop in and see the baby and that they didn't go for all this 'Baby bubble, no visitors till child was at least 5 years old' ( I am being a bit facicious) I know this is only one example. I had to hit the ground running when I brought mine home from hospital ( useless dad) . I imagine it must be nice just to rest and bond with just partner and baby if you can, and I do remember feeling quite anxious when my baby was being passed around the room between visitors ( all well meaning) . However I think it has all gone a bit too precious now,and babies are being used to keep us 'Boomers' in our place, nevermind we will just go off and spend the inheritance instead of childminding!

It is an interesting development. I’m in my 50s and when my friends and I had our children, there were no such rigid rules and most people seem fine with friends and family visiting early on. I think the key for happiness in life is flexibility, and some of these young families are doing nobody any favours by their rigid approach. Obviously, in-laws are abusive etc it is a different matter.

So true! “You can only come and visit if you are prepared to clean the loo and do the laundry and after 3 months of that we might let you glimpse the baby”.

I was out of hospital after two nights in 1993. The same day and one night in 2004 and 2007. Slightly better in 1993, but none of my friends were in hospital for 10 days (even the ones with CS and babies in NIC) - are you sure that's right?

Family feel shut out and MIL in particular. Then when you need childcare or want grandparents to be involved it's a problem.

For the record, I gave birth on a Thursday, then ILs visited on Saturday, my parents on Sunday, so I'm not who you're talking about.

But I think you have to be an absolute primadonna to refuse to bond with a baby because you didn't see them in the first day/week/month/whatever.

And when it comes to childcare, I have never asked my in laws or parents to follow more than the most basic instructions and advice (this is what he eats, allergic to dairy, he naps about this time). Once they "got" the dairy issue (what's to get - just don't give him any!), I've still had issues such as ILs not changing his nappy for over 90m after a poo.

So much simple information is really hard to relay, because grandparents will rebuff it with, "oh, we know how to raise babies". Right - except if I was asked to do my old job from 15y ago, I'd appreciate the person doing it NOW giving me a few pointers?

I give and receive similar pointers when I'm with my friends kids, like "oh, if you serve it too hot to start with he'll not touch it" or "tell her to touch her toes for a bum wipe". And parents at playgroups have the best random advice (thank you, babywipe on a magic water book).

Nobody takes any offence at giving information like this in my generation. Grandparents, in some cases, seem to be ludicrously sensitive to being given a few tips.

It’s certainly not a new thing. Actually, women having periods of quiet and convalescence with their new babies is a longstanding tradition in many cultures. I think it probably only swung the other way in the latter half of the 20th century when birth became very medicalised and women’s support networks dwindled.

I didn’t have visitors for 2 weeks with my first and probably 3 with my second. Not because I saw it on TikTok. 😂 (TikTok didn’t exist back then) But because I truly didn’t want any visitors! I wanted to spend time with my baby and rest. I didn’t want to see people or make them cups of tea or have to get dressed and get out of bed. I was very happy with that decision both times.

Crikey...I had my 2nd child in 1976, 1130pm and home at 1030am by ambulance still in my nightie and slippers.

Yes, it was standard practice for 1st time mums (70s, midlands). We were given a list of things to pack for the stay- I remember 2 cellular cotton blankets, newborn coming home outfit and white flannels (for mums).
Ward Sister was terribly strict and babies were taken off to the Night Nursery to give mums a peaceful night, you had to put up a bit of a fight if you wanted to be woken up to BF!
I was in over Christmas and a choir came to sing, we were all sobbing to Away in a Manger. Our Christmas Dinner was served by one of the Doctors and we all had a little knitted toy to unwrap.
I feel a bit tearful now just thinking of some of the friends from those days, hope everyone has support and love at their special time x

I don't know anyone who enjoyed having a trail of visitors after giving birth. People I enjoyed seeing after my babies were born were my sisters and my husband and I'm sure id have liked to see my mum but she's dead. My mil decided she'd spend all day every day at in my house for 2 solid weeks. I had to actively ask her not to do that. She also thought she'd sit in the hospital while I was in labour. It was mental.

People dropping in to say hi would have been grand but it just wasn't what she seemed to want. By my second id had enough and thank God for COVID we just didn't have her in at all.

My sister had everyone wait a week and I supported her 100%