New baby visiting

[Nofeckingway]

Mentioned on a previous post about this.
Just wondering why and when this all changed . Is it a thing promoted by midwives or health service information. ?

The idea of bonding and having to exclude visitors for long periods is alien to me and probably women of my generation. As is the idea of childbirth being such a traumatic experience that you need weeks to recover .

The anticipation of a new baby in a family is lovely thing and members naturally want to see the new mother and baby .

Hospitals previously had visiting hours for people to come . I even had work colleagues come to see me as hospital was local. And I loved having visitors at home as I was so proud and happy. I wasn't lying in state in a frilly nightgown for people to admire. Nobody overstayed or were a burden . DH could quite easily make anyone a cup of tea .

And in the US there are big delivery rooms where many family members stay . They wouldn't do this if it was unsafe . Also waiting rooms where even more family go to do maybe the DF or DFIL can also join in

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want as it's their birth, their baby, their decision. But I just wonder why when on here you can see how difficult this is in practice. Family feel shut out and MIL in particular.

Then when you need childcare or want grandparents to be involved it's a problem.
Things seem to always be on such rigid terms .

Of course there are exceptions if health risk , or difficult recovery . But most births are normal and straightforward.

So enlighten me as to why this is such a common thing to read about here on MN .

As usual, it's social media. It's trendy for new mums to be absolutely awful to everyone around them but expect the royal treatment in return.

It seems to be common on MN but I’ve never known anyone to do it in real life.

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want as it's their birth, their baby, their decision

This is the beginning and end of it. MIL don't get to override the decisions of the parents. yabvu

Exactly!

That’s great for you. It was your choice to have visitors.

Some women don’t want that and that fine too.

I think most people don't do this. The ones you read about on MN are generally the ones with difficult relatives, like a demanding DM, or a MIL who thinks she knows everything better than the new parents. If I had these people in my life I would keep them away too! Luckily mine are all lovely so they're all welcome straight away.

I think what's actually changed is that people are now generally encouraged to stand up to bullying/inappropriate older relatives, rather than just bow down to their demands.

The rise in c-sections (to above 50%) and assisted births has very much prolonged maternal recovery though. These are all recent statistical changes that have had a massive impact on post birth visitor culture. There's also less time in hospitals overall due to bed and staff shortages, meaning people are discharged for visits earlier.

Hospital visiting regulations have changed post COVID too, meaning that it's no longer easy to pop in and have the visit be done nice and quickly in an environment you don't have to clean or offer tea in. I could only have two visitors the whole time I was there, and they had to be the same ones.

Add to that the fact there's very little help for new mums these days, with our own mum's not yet at retirement age in a lot of cases due to an increase in women in the workplace & increased retirement age.

That being said, some people do take it to the absolute extremes and we typically only hear those edge cases on Mumsnet or social media.

If you read the U.K. Care Quality Commission report and news reports of several maternity care scandals, you will see that childbirth in the U.K. is now often unsafe and traumatic sadly.

Little to no post natal care - certainly none of a practical nature ( as in helping with baby to let mum eat or wash) is offered in many places meaning women often leave hospital too quickly and completely exhausted and ill. Even twenty years ago, my own mother and MIL were aghast at the apparent deterioration in care compared to when they gave birth.

To be honest I could have done without my parents rocking up uninvited at the hospital first thing in the morning after I’d had DS. It was a very long and painful back to back labour ending in an emergency c-section late the night before. I was exhausted, catheterised and fairly immobile still from the epidural and the last thing I wanted was them sat beside my bed for several hours. MIL on the other hand waited to be invited and only stayed 30 minutes so I could rest.

It’s only someone seen on MN.

Everyone I know in RL is normal and loves influx of visitors when a baby is born. Some of my best memories for sure.

Birth is not a circus.

Directly after birth is about rest and recovery and establishing breast feeding for the mom if they choose that and bonding for both parents.

Visitors are a choice.

In all honesty, the last thing I wanted after a section would have been anyone sat next to my bed while I was laying there with a catheter in, bleeding and uncomfortable. It’s hot, noisy, babies crying. I didn’t have visitors at the hospital for any of my 3, or at home for a few weeks after (I had scar complications with all three and horrendous recoveries).

My last baby was born during Covid and it was bliss. Quiet ward, no one allowed in. They chucked me out 12 hours after my section (I thought they were joking, but nope! Out I went), but could have stayed longer.

Relatives have a whole lifetime to get to know the baby, I’ve never seen the obsession that some have about getting in the hospital as soon as humanly possible.

With my first two, I was in for a couple of days after sections and there were some women with people crowded around them.

Out of interest what decade did you have your children?

How much damage did your birth cause and how much pain relief were you on?

I loved visitors. I gave them baby and went and had a bath or a sleep. But it's entirely up to the mum, she has to do what feels right. I agree in RL I have never encountered anyone ban visitors but as I said, it's personal choice.

@Nofeckingway

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want as it's their birth, their baby, their decision.

You said it yourself.

I think you post is really unkind to the many many mother's who give birth and have difficult or extremely unpleasant or interfering relatives. Where they totally need NOT to have these people visiting. And no doubt would dearly love to have supportive and loving extended family.

I don’t think it is a new thing.

I think some don’t realise many are not blessed with lovely family dynamics or family members and even when you are, dynamics seem to change when a new baby/ grandchild enters the picture and some decide that they can override the new mum/ new parents. Let also not ignore postpartum affects women differently and they don’t know how they will react or be until after they had a baby. Some may want tons of visitors and some may not want any before birth and then change their mind after.

Making out as if a new mum shouldn’t want to have some time alone or parents to have the time they need to wrap her/their head around things, get into a routine, especially when breastfeeding comes into the picture after labour because everyone feels entitled to their baby is ridiculous.

Do you think family members that have shown little to no interest in the new mum until pregnancy or baby is born should get automatic access to said baby?

Do you expect such a new mum to just be comfortable around people who have shown they aren’t that bothered about her only their son’s new child or even when it’s the mum’s parents are that way.

How about the family members who come over despite being told to wait 48 hours or less?

How about the family that come over to be waited on and expect a new mum freshly bleeding to host them so they can “help” her with the baby?

Let’s also not forget/ignore the women who have gone through traumatic births and may need some space.

There always seems to be more compassion and sympathy for family members than the actual person who gave birth. There are high expectations on her than the family members and that is depressing.

Previous generations of women suffered in silence and remember how they were treated after having a baby years on and the dynamics that followed.

I’ve seen countless women say they recall their postpartum and their kids are in their late 30s and above.

The only thing that has changed is women are more open about their experiences.

It’s not a new thing at all and fuck all to do with social media. My eldest is 24 soon and I was on mumsnet way back then and this is all anyone harped on about in those dark ages too 🤣

In all these years, no one had ever just thought, “ah fuck it, I’ll do what I want and everyone else can do what they want and I’ll just shut up and let them get on with it.”

I don’t know anyone who was precious about the first few weeks after birth. But I see a lot of ‘I want to enjoy just the three of us’ on these pages. I think they just aren’t aware how boring having a baby is! In the first week after returning home (and I had a section and am not particularly social), we had at least a dozen visitors, had gone out to lunch, and gone for walks. I joined a post natal class when my baby was three weeks old (and he was born three weeks early). Once my DH went back to work after the two week paternity leave I was bored bored bored. I couldn’t drive yet so went on long three mile walks, stopping halfway for a coffee in the busy town. I bonded fine with my baby, but didn’t need to be closeted away to do this!
But each to their own. If someone wants some quiet time then that’s their call.
And of course this is not for people who may have had a very traumatic time and needs to recover, though even then, I don’t think isolation is a good idea.

@Raspbellies Had my DCs in the 90s . One was a home birth. I had gas and air and pethidine for pain relief and used a TENS machine. First birth was not pleasant as regards aftercare.Had an episiotomy which wasn't stitched before pain relief wore off . One reason I stayed home for second birth .

Agree.

It always seems to be about stopping in-laws too.

Is it a control thing?

My DC are teens. I had one night in hospital with both (first was complex birth,.second I just asked so I could rest) both sets of GP came to visit for 30 mins.

And of course this is not for people who may have had a very traumatic time and needs to recover, though even then, I don’t think isolation is a good idea.

Why assume isolation? It could easily be not being around family members who make things harder, stressful or more uncomfortable for you.

This. There used to be waaay more care on wards and longer admissions. That’s not been the case for a while now. I had twins, hadn’t slept properly the few nights before, lm in hospital with them overnight on my own and get zero sleep. I am discharged 26 hours after the birth, get a good nights sleep leaving my husband caring for the twins. Then we are both exhausted, lm in pain, l can barely walk, we are both caring for newborn 37 week gestation twins and not really in entertaining mode!

Parents choice as well at the end of the day, it’s not a debate

Because a lot of MILS seem to be absolute pricks to the DILs for years and then want to grab her baby the second it’s out of her womb and carry on acting as if she doesn’t exist.

Not mine, I have no skin in the game of shit in-laws. my MIL is lovely and never even mentioned seeing my babies before I asked her round. She just used to send FIL round with takeaways to shove through the front door at dh.

There are a lot of young women on MN who seem very focused on proving their position as number one. “Our little family” is part of that. Obsessing about proving that my husband had left his mother behind and cleaved only unto me wasn’t really a thing in my day. I wonder if it’s something to do with not being married.

A vaginal birth doesn't mean getting up and walking straight away. Some of us take weeks to recover.