New baby visiting

[Nofeckingway]

Mentioned on a previous post about this.
Just wondering why and when this all changed . Is it a thing promoted by midwives or health service information. ?

The idea of bonding and having to exclude visitors for long periods is alien to me and probably women of my generation. As is the idea of childbirth being such a traumatic experience that you need weeks to recover .

The anticipation of a new baby in a family is lovely thing and members naturally want to see the new mother and baby .

Hospitals previously had visiting hours for people to come . I even had work colleagues come to see me as hospital was local. And I loved having visitors at home as I was so proud and happy. I wasn't lying in state in a frilly nightgown for people to admire. Nobody overstayed or were a burden . DH could quite easily make anyone a cup of tea .

And in the US there are big delivery rooms where many family members stay . They wouldn't do this if it was unsafe . Also waiting rooms where even more family go to do maybe the DF or DFIL can also join in

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want as it's their birth, their baby, their decision. But I just wonder why when on here you can see how difficult this is in practice. Family feel shut out and MIL in particular.

Then when you need childcare or want grandparents to be involved it's a problem.
Things seem to always be on such rigid terms .

Of course there are exceptions if health risk , or difficult recovery . But most births are normal and straightforward.

So enlighten me as to why this is such a common thing to read about here on MN .

You're assuming everyone has loving caring supportive family. That's not the case.

How keen would you be say for your school bully to turn up to your house uninvited to demand you feed them make them cups of tea whilst they refuse to give back your new baby even thought they are distressed and hungry. Whilst wearing the strongest perfume known to man smothering your baby in it. All the while you're bleeding leaking can barely walk. They are judging everything you do or don't,what you look like your capabilities as a new mother.

for some unfortunately the best case is some family members just don't care about you as a new mother they just want access to the new toy at worst they want to actively cause you all harm.

I think older generations don’t fully understand how maternity care works these days (and why would you unless you’ve seen it first hand).

I was out the hospital in less than 24 hours after having a c section. My mum thought I would be there 10 days (like she was in the 90s for a straight forward vaginal birth) and people would come and visit me at the hospital. That isn’t really a thing any more. You don’t get a long lovely hospital stay.

i spent the first 2 weeks after having a baby very sore. I didn’t really leave the house much or push the buggy etc. it was time used for getting used to baby, bonding. Bleeding lots. And changing lots of nappies. Saw a few close friends.

I had my children then too. When I gave birth it was standard to be in hospital for 3/4 days even for straightforward births as mine were. I loved having family visit and share the pleasure of welcoming a new baby into the family. My thinking was get the visits over and done with then we could concentrate on getting into a routine.
I’ve no doubt that some women do have difficult labours and take time to recover and have to do what’s right for them.

I think it’s just a MN PFB thing. Most people just get on with it.

Ive luckily never known this in real life but seen it all over social media. It seems so controlling to me

Women post here when they struggle. If you are a reasonable person with a reasonable, understanding family, none of this is an issue.

I loved having visitors. Of course we prioritised family coming over. Nobody overstayed their welcome, everyone pitched in a bit too and brought food etc.

Although I did take weeks to recover and was in an absolute state for about 3 weeks. In pain, barely walking, covered in milk, barely washed. Such is life.

Very off topic, but this definitely isn't a new idea. It's littered through the Bible, starting in Genesis, which was written around 2500 years ago!
"A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
It doesn't mean to completely ignore your parents, but just that when you marry you do indeed forge a new family unit and that is your priority, not your parents (whom you obviously still love if they aren't total arses).
You don't have to agree with it if course, but it is definitely a widespread and very ancient idea.

Totally agree-everyone invites everyone, and people help the new parents! None of the mums who got support ever seemed to get some of the mental health/precious baby problems that seem more common now.
And there are still tons of visitors around every bed in the postnatal ward, so even if you don't let anyone in, there will be a lot of strangers close to your baby. That was very recently, at out hospital, so it seems most or all new mums in our area have many visitors!
Covid made things difficult for a while.

Lots of people's visitors are not helpful at all! They show up, hold the baby, take photos, drink tea, leave you with their dirty mugs and leave!

People who have helpful families acting like everyone has the exact same experience are extremely annoying.

I had a section and was home the next day. I didn't have any visitors except my husband because I was so desperate to get home after being left alone with a baby that I couldn't pick up post section and very unhelpful nurses. It was a nightmare and a year later I'm still upset about it.

I can't imagine putting my want to see a new baby over the mothers feelings. If she wants space, no problem.

I had tons of visitors with my first (first grandchild on both sides) and honestly, it was exhausting. I was in tears my 2nd day in the hospital, sore and exhausted and the senior midwife on the ward said you've had too many visitors, just your husband from now on and honestly, I was relieved! I get that family members are excited to meet the new baby but it's often forgotten that the new mum is exhausted, bleeding, probably had stitches or a tear, getting to grips with feeding and changing a new baby and may not feel up to seeing a string if visitors! There's nothing wrong with saying wait till we're home and let you know when's a good time to visit.

Visitors do not help. They hog the sofa for two hours, ask for a cuppa and rock the baby so it sleeps and misses a feed then screams when they're gone.

It’s not just one single thing thats changed I don’t think, it’s a combination.

I’m not sure where you’ve got the idea that “most births are normal and straightforward”, actually the stats show that less than 1/3 births now are “low intervention” or straightforward, even of those births there are tears, long labours, inductions etc. But even with a straightforward birth, it is a big thing to recover from both mentally and physically, not everybody wants to do that with an audience.

I don’t think wanting some space is a new thing, just that we now feel more able to say actually I want to take care of myself a bit here. We did have visitors from the start even in the hospital with my first baby as it felt like the done thing and it was exhausting, I was overwhelmed, I was frazzled, tired, sore, trying to establish breastfeeding and it did me no favours. I ended up crying in my own bathroom 1 week postpartum because it was just too much and I needed some space. It was only when I really spoke to family about it that both my mum & my gran told me they had felt the same in their postpartum and never felt able to say no and were glad I felt I could.

It also depends on the family/friends. If you have a lovely close family who are respectful and don’t have unreasonable expectations then it is so so different. My parents are amazing and turned up with some meals, snacks, my mum helped me get showered and checked my stitches while my husband looked after our baby, they came to help and never really felt like they were putting any extra stress on us. My PIL turned up when baby was 2 days old and expected lunch made, endless cups of tea and coffee, commented on how rubbish and tired I looked, commented on the pile of washing that needed doing and how we were slacking on the housework soooo no, they weren’t happy family visiting at all.

Maybe your family and friends are crap but that doesn't mean everyone's are.

I didn’t want my IL’s visiting when I was sore, tired and trying to learn to breastfeed because she wasn’t one for making herself a cup of tea or doing anything helpful for us. She just wanted to cuddle the baby, which I was doing!

I wished I’d have been firmer when both mine were born, we have a big family and whilst I did appreciate everyone making the effort, all of them bar one just rocked up unannounced and it wasn’t always convenient when you are sleep deprived and not feeling your best, especially getting to grips with feeding.

Not sure what the answer is though?

If that were the case you wouldn’t have so many women on several different social platforms non-parent and parent related asking how to cope/ is this normal to have people who don’t care that they’ve had a baby and use the old ‘ women have been having babies for centuries’ or ‘I just got on with it and you should to’ while the latter types of people obviously wasn’t happy with their experience but think other postpartum mums should suffer like they did or keep quiet like they did.

The things I overheard on the postnatal ward and in baby groups made me cringe.

I was the first person to meet a colleague's baby, after his dad. She delivered where we worked and texted me to come down.

No one ‘promoted’ it to me 14 years ago. I simply didn’t want to see anyone while I was recovering from a post-CS haemorrhage and then an infected CS scar, trying to establish breastfeeding and getting used to parenthood. I mean, if there’s ever a time to do exactly what you want, this is it, surely? It’s not as if the baby is going to go stale,

Obviously I understand the reference. My point was that I didn’t need constant reinforcement, validation and evidence the way many posters on here seem to and I wonder if the insecurity displayed by many is rooted in the fact that no marriage has taken place. I hope that’s clearer.

I don’t understand this either. When I had my babies I was proud to show them off! These days it’s all over the top

When did you have them, and how long did you stay in hospital?

Absolutely agree. I loved seeing family and friends. Both after a CS and a lengthy vaginal birth.

In real life I haven’t known anyone like this. I. Mumsnet it’s the norm. My mam did come help me once do a good clean of the house as I was getting a little stressed (as I can’t function in an untidy house and I was sleep deprived) but other than that I liked my visitors to be visitors.

I had visitors in hospital with my daughter, I felt great after birth and wanted her family to meet her! If I felt rubbish after birth they wouldn’t have came.

I loved having visitors to ‘show her off’ as a new mam I loved it and it was good for my mental health to see people. Our parents and my sister brought us the odd meal to
reheat for the first couple of weeks.

They weren’t there all of the time and most just asked when they could ‘pop in’. I also think for me a large part of it was she was a summer baby, longer lighter days and shorter nights were good when she was awake every 1.5 hours. I’m not sure how I would fare in the winter.

It does seem to be a trend now. I've known friends and colleagues keep family away for weeks, or sometimes months! Then the child gets to toddler/school years and parent seems very confused as to why they don't have a 'village' supporting them.

I think part of it is that people forget what really happened to them just after birth.

I spoke to a friend of mine recently who remembers her family visiting almost straight away after birth, and she was looking out pictures, and we realised that, actually, she had totally forgotten that she spent five days in hospital with the baby and her family showed up a week after that. In her mind it was 'they came straightaway to see my newborn' and of course, that's because you are blurry early on, and you remember the lovely bits not the boring bits. But there's a massive difference between how you feel on day 1 and how you feel on day 12!

FWIW I recently had a very straightforward birth; drove myself home via M&S food hall; got on with life. I was very lucky. I still felt pretty sore in the days after the birth. People who dropped in for half an hour for a cup of tea were lovely and lots of people did; there was the full range from those who let me make them a cuppa to those who insisted they didn't want anything, and I appreciated it all.

OTOH, my parents came down, sat waiting to be entertained and fed, talked about how boring it was for them that we were just sitting around, and expressed surprise I was (according to them) in so much pain, coping so badly, struggling to breastfeed, that the baby was sleeping so much. They came again a bit later and required a lot of support as one of them had slept in a draft and needed a heated wheat pack microwaving at regular intervals; they complained about how little sleep they'd been getting and had a three-hour nap on my sofa.

I think I'm justified in finding that fucking annoying, TBH!