AIBU to object to my ex using my account for her birthday gift to me?

[Giraffe82]

Im in the final stages of divorce from my wife of 15 years and unfortunately my birthday has come around. We're in the process of separating all the joint bank accounts and I have already come off any linked to her while she is about to relinquish those related to me.

I've said to everyone not to buy any gifts this year and a nice meal or drinks out will be fine. I may choose to buy myself something though. Pay day for me has just come around and almost immediately I've seen an expensive charge to my bank account. Upon querying my ex-wife she explained it was for my birthday and obviously she didn't want to tell me. Bearing in mind she has her own income and bank accounts she went on to explain she couldn't afford what she bought me with her money.

I'm considering asking her to divulge what it is and potentially straight up return it on principle.

That doesn't sound right. Best to find out all the details now before it's too late. Strange behaviour from your ex.

Tell her you can’t afford to lose that much from your account unexpectedly, and that when she can’t afford a gift it’s better she doesn’t buy one.

She sounds well dodgy. Get her name off those accounts asap. Return whatever it is she's bought - I'll be amazed if it's something for you.

Tell her to give the money back right now and that you don't want a gift, especially not one you're paying for yourself.

Why can you not remove her name from the accounts? Or move money to a different account and freeze these until she relinquishes herself?

Even phone the bank and say it wasnt you

Tell her to return it now. Really odd for her to be buying you a present given you’re separated. Why can’t you immediately stop her access to the joint accoun or set up a new account in just your name and transfer the correct amount?

Ask her to return the gift and the money.

You don't want to set a principle here. She has no entitlement to your money, nor any obligation to buy you a gift.

And surely there's a way for you to stop access to your account? If not, you need a new account.

Thanks for the responses so far.

WRT the joint bank account, we need to physically go into a branch with ID and both sign a document confirming one of the joint holders can be removed from the account. That appointment is booked for next week (personal circumstance timing). We went to her bank last week, and will go to mine next week.

We're largely on good terms, but yes I feel this crosses a line.

This is ridiculous. How can it be her gift to you when she’s effectively stolen the money from you to buy it?

Its a marital asset, joint account. She doesn't have to give it back.

OP was silly not to set up his own account straight away to transfer his wages in to. Morally yes she's vile but legally he can't do anything about it as far as I'm aware

Yes, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be told
to give it back.

I'd tell her you don't want the gift and please to return money to joint bank account.

Maybe not odd to buy you a gift this year but very odd to buy you an expensive one that she can't afford!

I would definitely be speaking to her about it, pointing out it's not the time for either of you to be spending significant amounts of money and asking her to return it or let you do so.
Was the split your decision and the extravagant gift her way of showing that she still loves you/wants to be with you?

The divorce was her decision.

I've said to her that its very thoughtful but given the circumstances and I'd said no to buying gifts, she should not have made an expensive purchase without first talking to me and I'd like it returned and the money refunded.

I fully expect her to act highly offended and there to be fall out. Probably 50/50 she'll just refuse or put it on me to deal with.