AIBU to ask my mum not to drop by unannounced?

[MiniRuRo]

Hi, I'm hoping it will get some advice here. DH and I have 3 small children 4 and under. We have worked really hard to find a balance over the last year or two of family time, personal time and time with extended family.
Our current set up, has DH and I doing our hobbies alternate evenings Monday-Thursday, Friday we go to my mums for dinner, me and the little ones from about 4:30, then DH and our eldest join us after her swimming lesson around 5:15, we stay until about 7, then Saturday we have one of our eldest's hobbies from 9-10, then we try to go out in the afternoon, a walk, the park, the beach, a museum, whatever. Sunday morning we go up to my in laws for 2 hours for breakfast/brunch. Then have the afternoon free, at home, ironing, cleaning, watching F1/Football, kids just playing and being a little bored.

This works well for us, however my mum has started visiting at random times, she lives a 10 minute walk away, and has to go to the street beside us most days to visit my gran, so she seems to tag us on. It is exhausting tbh, especially on Sundays when we are just trying to get on with our little cosy afternoon. I have asked her not to, but she claims 2 hours a week isn't enough with her grandchildren (she also has them for a sleepover every other month). She always claims she will just stay for a cup of tea, then lingers for well over an hour, any attempt to shimmy her on, is met poorly or with her wanting to take the kids to hers since we aren't doing anything. In the summer holiday she also started dropping in during the week and now our eldest is at school (Scotland so back last week), she has been coming in, in the morning!
Today I asked very politely that we stick to Friday and we will pop in with the kids if we have the time, she got upset saying that we aren't even doing anything on Sundays and my Gran sees more of the little ones than she does (broadly true I nip into my grans for an hour or so during the school day to give her some company, but my mum is at work 3 days a week!).
From this week on we will be pretty busy on week nights, with our eldest having hobbies 2 nights a week, and on a Saturday.

AIBU to not want her stopping in especially on our Sunday afternoons, which I really enjoy being just DH, the kids and I, or should I suck it up as they are her grandchildren and she is probably a bit lonely?

Why didn’t you deal with it earlier? My MIL was lovely but I couldn’t have coped with that. She also had her own life.

Why can't your mum help out by taking one or more of your kids to their hobby, they'd build their own relationship and you'd be more freed up?
The reason you feel like you have no time is that you're trying to do everything yourself. This comes across as quite controlling and yes, you're excluding your mum. She's just a compulsory add on to how you wish for things to be.
I'm not surprised she feels excluded. Because she is.

We all do things differently, but you seem to want a military style operation rather than teamwork and discussion. Fine. But very controlling.

I would hate to begrudge a family the only free afternoon they have together with “no plans”. Our family time is precious to us where we play games, have a movie afternoon, crafts etc. To others it might look like “no plans” but to us it’s important.

I respect other people’s boundaries and expect them to respect mine. Dropping by unannounced regularly is overstepping those boundaries.

Did you miss they spend every single Friday evening with her?! Or that she didn’t take the OP to see her grandparents weekly when she was a parent of young dcs.

Boundaries, boundaries, fucking boundaries. Your own mother too. You sound like an automaton

You have a few choices:

Alternate the Friday night and make a fuss over her, so she isn't making all the effort

Let her take the kids Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours so you and DH have some alone time, just the two of you

Make her a brew and treat her like you do your Gran

Stick to your guns

I'd do no.2

I don't think it's terrible for the grandma to want to see her GC more than once a week, but I can also see that you need downtime too.
I think in your shoes I'd suggest that she can come over on DH's hobby nights ( when you wouldn't be having family time anyway) but can she call first . Maybe she could help with bedtime routine, surely an extra pair of hands would be useful with 3 small kids. This is your Mum you're talking about, not some random neighbour.

So very rigid. I’d find that an awful way to live!

It does seem rather one sided @MiniRuRo . Basically your mum gets to see you if she cooks for you or if she has your children for a sleepover. When do you host her?

I think I would just ring fence Sunday, as that is important resting time for your household, and allow her to keep doing it other days but keep on doing what I normally do, ie not treat her like a guest.

Sounds like your life is full on and you have your own routine which we all need. Perhaps she could do a pick up once a week so she gets a little bit more time but say no more to random drop ins.

Surely your mum popping in is no big deal? I know people hate impromptu visitors but with a parent you can still be yourself, doesn’t matter if the house is a mess and the kids can carry on playing - she just mucks in.

My lovely dad had a key and would let himself in - the kids loved it. He’d always bring a treat or some family news. Never stayed long. But it was never an imposition or a hardship.

I think it’s sad that so many people would be too busy or too precious for their own family.

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. Regular unannounced drop ins wouldn’t work for me. I don’t feel guilt about this.

Yes boundaries, something I learned from years of therapy which I needed because of my mother. The other option is no relationship at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t make me an automaton.

Hell no I do not want anyone dropping in unannounced. Once a week is loads. We don't see grandparents anywhere near that often.

Or perhaps she could be allowed, just occasionally, to interact with her daughter and grandchildren in a social way, with no demands placed on her? Maybe someone could even offer her a cup of tea?

My mum lives 5 minutes away and pops in ALL the time. She knows I finish work at 6pm so half the time she's already at my house by the time I'm home. I tell her all the time but she just laughs and thinks I'm joking and I just know it will cause a fall out if I say anything seriously so I have no advice OP but your not alone. Luckily my mum does get the point and promptly leaves if I am actually busy (which is all the time lol)

I think that never having a free day at the weekend sounds tough. I wouldn’t dream on imposing myself on my adult children or my grandchildren just because I’m bored or a bit lonely. I always wait
for an invitation. You need to ask your mother to back off. You need time with your family. Your mother must learn to accept that.

But they seem to have Saturday free also after 10am so it's not as though Sunday is the only " free" day. Fair enough if she doesn't want her mum to pop in but it's not quite sure Sun afternoon is the only time they get to do stuff as a " family"

And as a PP pointed out it seems that the mum has to cook for them and have kids to sleepover etc but the OP begrudges making her a cuppa

I have a similar situation with my mam living nearby and dropping in without checking. I work full time.have 3 DC & 7 grandkids and its exhausting.
My DC all work too but they do visit her a lot as do I. To help her out with anything she needs.My dH is a taxi driver and works 7 days a week (also runs her about for appts etc)and we dont have a lot of spare time together but she is so demanding of my time.
She also has a friend next street from ours who she visitis a lot and just pops in on her way back via our back gate and can see me through rhe windows so I cant pretend I am not in. Cant lock the gate cos of dh in and out for work. I have tried to explain how busy we are but she wants to be included in everyrhing. Mr brother on the orher hand is allowed ro live a conpletely sepearte life with no responsibilty and has told her not to visit his home so she respects his wishes and not mine!

Come over to help out with a LITTLE ONES in the evening when the eldest has got her hobby or on the Saturday take the eldest to the hobby and you have time with the LITTLE ONES

You say your mum lives a street away from her mother, so you lived a street away from your Gran but only saw her once a fortnight growing up ? If your mum only works 3 days, why cant you pop in on her, on the days she's not working, like you do with your Gran. Take control and tell your mum when you can meet up, not when she can't. Ok, definitely not Sunday, but one day she isnt working ? Also you didnt answer the question, would you be happy seeing your children/grandchildren for 2hrs a week when they're grown up ? My children and grandchildren are an extension of my family, I sometimes take them to school, or pick up, babysit, have them rd or go to dinner there. Not all at once, not every day, but definitely more than 2hrs a week.

You're going to get mixed responses OP but I am in the camp of agreeing with you. I cannot bear anyone dropping by unannounced, we are exceptionally busy too and genuinely don't ever spend a day at home due to the various commitments etc in our lives. My mother takes it upon herself to usually turn up just shy of 7pm when I am either putting the baby to bed, feeding all our animals, out training my dogs, working on my main job or the business etc and then seems cross that I am busy at that time, despite usually seeing her (her choice) on a Thursday.
Keep reiterating your boundaries, I know some people here feel like its weird to not constantly want to see a parent but we don't all have the same time/flexibility/relationships etc.

Wow sounds like you know OP's Gran so well!