AIBU to ask my mum not to drop by unannounced?

[MiniRuRo]

Hi, I'm hoping it will get some advice here. DH and I have 3 small children 4 and under. We have worked really hard to find a balance over the last year or two of family time, personal time and time with extended family.
Our current set up, has DH and I doing our hobbies alternate evenings Monday-Thursday, Friday we go to my mums for dinner, me and the little ones from about 4:30, then DH and our eldest join us after her swimming lesson around 5:15, we stay until about 7, then Saturday we have one of our eldest's hobbies from 9-10, then we try to go out in the afternoon, a walk, the park, the beach, a museum, whatever. Sunday morning we go up to my in laws for 2 hours for breakfast/brunch. Then have the afternoon free, at home, ironing, cleaning, watching F1/Football, kids just playing and being a little bored.

This works well for us, however my mum has started visiting at random times, she lives a 10 minute walk away, and has to go to the street beside us most days to visit my gran, so she seems to tag us on. It is exhausting tbh, especially on Sundays when we are just trying to get on with our little cosy afternoon. I have asked her not to, but she claims 2 hours a week isn't enough with her grandchildren (she also has them for a sleepover every other month). She always claims she will just stay for a cup of tea, then lingers for well over an hour, any attempt to shimmy her on, is met poorly or with her wanting to take the kids to hers since we aren't doing anything. In the summer holiday she also started dropping in during the week and now our eldest is at school (Scotland so back last week), she has been coming in, in the morning!
Today I asked very politely that we stick to Friday and we will pop in with the kids if we have the time, she got upset saying that we aren't even doing anything on Sundays and my Gran sees more of the little ones than she does (broadly true I nip into my grans for an hour or so during the school day to give her some company, but my mum is at work 3 days a week!).
From this week on we will be pretty busy on week nights, with our eldest having hobbies 2 nights a week, and on a Saturday.

AIBU to not want her stopping in especially on our Sunday afternoons, which I really enjoy being just DH, the kids and I, or should I suck it up as they are her grandchildren and she is probably a bit lonely?

Seeing them once a week is loads and I can’t believe you don’t ever get a full day to yourselves as a family! I think you are right to set a boundary but it is hard to balance against the emotional response.

I love my mum & MIL but this would yank my chain!!

So its ok for you to pop into your gran but not ok for your mumto pop in and see you.

I can see her point

This is completely different. OP’s gran probably lives on her own and is grateful of the company. OP and her family are busy.
OP, I think this is enough time with your mother. You need to keep to your boundaries. Don’t open the door.

So you assume that gran won't have friends or other family members of her own visitsing and it's just ok for OP to rock up whenever. Obviously if she phones gran and checks first that's fine

My Mum lives a few streets away and is welcome any time because she is my mum.

I would hate her dropping in

If the kids are bored, what harm would come from her taking them to her house whilst you watch the f1?

it’s hardly quality time spent together.

It's an odd one. Our house is open house. No pre booking needed !
But I wouldn't dream of showing up at any of my adult dc's homes without an invite!
1 has a dc i see several times week whenever dd decides to come round.

Currently trying to navigate another dd (older than dd2 and no dc yet )having moved out and expecting same lifts as dd2...

Well I think OP probably goes because her Gran wants her to.

This makes me feel glad neither my mum or DH’s dad are local. Visiting once a week is plenty considering the busy schedules the children have.
Stick to your family Sunday afternoons, your mum will have to suck it up.

My gran doesn't have many friends, well any, she is in her late 80s, and hardly leaves her home, she is always appreciative of us dropping in.

As I said as long as she makes arrangements first to ensure gran is free then that's fine

Too many people seem to assume that anyone of grandparents age must have sod all to do except wait indoors for grandkids and get grandkids to pop in.

Haven't forgotten my mum pointing out to my DD that she actually does have a life and DD should text and check before bringing her child over

I would hate to be your mum and have you begrudge her some time. What's your relationship like generally? I think treating other people as you'd like to be treated if you were in their position is a pretty good rule to live by. Would you be happy to see so little of your children when they're adults?

By bored, I mean no set activity, our eldest enjoys the F1, playing in the garden, playing with toys.
It is the only time we get at home together the 5 of us, if they are out every Sunday then owning toys at all is pointless, I think kids need time at home where nothing is being asked of them, they get to play with each other, colour, be imaginative etc.

I guess it doesn't seem like that little to me? Growing up I didn't seem my paternal grandparents other than maybe 2 times a year, and my gran maybe once every fortnight?

I think I’d have to move.

Absolutely they do, but what would the children prefer?

To go see her at her house, or play and colour at home?

i’m just thinking about my own Sunday afternoon experiences, and as I don’t see the time we spend watching f1 in the same house as the kids as quality family time, if they would prefer to visit a family emmener during that time I’d allow it.

I hate anyone dropping in, so my door is always shut and locked. If it’s inconvenient, I just don’t answer the door. Even if it’s obvious I am in, I don’t care.

If anyone queries it (MIL is the only person who ever has) I just say oh yeah I was busy. You can’t just pop round, you won’t get in!

You aren’t wrong to have some of the weekend that’s not budgeted for something else- apart from the fact dcs need time to relax/play with their toys etc, you aren’t long off homework.

I really would consider if long term living this close to your mum and gran is going to be possible when you want some time as just a small unit and your mum doesn’t believe you have a right to a boundary. (Her coming round after you’ve told her not to is a worrying sign she doesn’t think you get to decide what happens with your family.)

I think you need to reinforce boundaries. You said no but she’s still doing it and ever more frequently. This would drive me nuts. You’re allowed down time without visitors. She’s training you to stop objecting, tho, by becoming emotional and comparing it to you dropping in on your gran who appears to want the visits. It isn’t the same! Tell her no. She shouldn’t be stomping on the lines you’ve drawn.

Dropping in unannounced is just plain rude. Being someone's mother is irrelevant - and the OP's mother already sees a lot of her, so it's also unnecessary.

Keep your door locked, OP, and don't answer when she turns up, because YANBU.

Put in boundaries now. This happened with my MIL at one point for 3 years straight she came every night for dinner until I imploded. 🤣

She sees them every week - that's lots! Most people see their relatives 2 or 3 times a year.

I'm with OP. She is obviously a planner. When you have a busy life you have a hierarchy of things to do - kids, work, etc - and a time table to do them. Random visitors do not fit into that schedule and have to learn their place. I hate random visitors - it doesn't matter who it is, Most often I simply don't open the door or hear as I stream music if I'm on the computer. If its important they will text or email me later.