AIBU to ask how to handle eating after childhood food trauma?

[Belissimoo]

Help.
I have got disordered eating.
I think it's because I grew up being regularly told by my mum and dad (who were divorced so I got it whilst at my mum's, then again when I went to stay at my dad's) that I was fat. I was taken to a chemist at 12 and made to stand on the scales (they had old fashioned weighing scales for anyone to use) and had my weight read out loud and then derided for it by my dad in public and was then told he was ashamed of me on the walk home. My mum would half starve me and I sat with 2 slices of wholemeal bread with no butter or spread filled with dry marmite and alfalfa sprouts throughout my entire school packed lunch years, with nothing else whatsoever to eat in my packed lunch and a bottle of water to drink, whilst friends ate ham & cheese & mayonnaise baps and crisps and yogurts and club chocolate bars and juice cartons for their packed lunch. Then I'd get home starving and be told to wait till dinner time, never got an after school snack, then at evening meal I'd be served vegetable stew. Nothing else. No pudding. I was told this was because I was fat. I'd then regularly be sent to stay with my grandparents by myself for 2 days because my mother 'needed a break' from looking after me, and they'd offer me trifle for pudding, cream cakes for afternoon tea, roast dinners, biscuits with a juice drink for 'elevenses', jam on toast for breakfast, all the things I was never ever allowed at home. Then I'd return home after 2 days and my mum would shout at me for "getting bloody fat again" over 2 days at my grandparents.
One time when she shouted this at me when I was 13, I said "At least they give me nice food to eat" because I was still being half starved at home, and I got sent to bed early for speaking back and then got woken up at 1am with my mother bursting into my room and pulling all my clothes out of my wardrobe and chest of drawers and throwing them wildly all over my bedroom floor whilst screaming at me to get out, move out, take all my things and go and live with my grandparents permanently if I loved it there so much, she was screaming at me and trashing my bedroom. I had to get up and go to school the next morning and I think it was the day after that that I stopped eating meals for about 8 years. I became very thin with barely enough energy to do anything energetic but was praised constantly by friends for how amazing I looked whilst so thin. Nobody knew I'd stopped eating due to trauma.
I look back at photos of me in childhood and I never was fat. I look in disbelief and think whatever were my parents ever telling me I was fat for? I was never fat.
I got train track braces on my teeth at 13 and they were so painful I cried and couldn't chew food, I could only drink through straws. Looking back I remember the Orthodontist tightening the braces tighter and tighter until I was in too much pain then we went home with me in agony. When I would cry in pain and couldn't bite or chew food, I remember my mother saying it was good because it would stop me being so fat. The internalised shame I felt at that comment was painful beyond words. But I've got a photo of me with those braces (that an aunt took) and I was thin. I was tall, thin and had long limbs. I was so pretty - I can't believe how pretty I was in that photo; I remember the photo being taken and feeling awkward because I thought it would show how fat and ugly I was just like my parents always told me. But only as an adult can I now look back and see I looked nothing like how I felt I looked.
When I was 16 and got a boyfriend, my mother stood behind me staring me up and down and said "Your boyfriend must have a thing for big women." And how did I look at the time? I was model thin. And I was absolutely bloody beautiful at 16 when I look at pictures that old friends have of me, though I felt I looked hideously ugly, and I know we should never say about ourselves that we are good looking but I feel it's ok for me to look back and say it about how I was when I was 16 at a time when I was repeatedly being told I was fat yet I wasn't. I was never, ever told I was beautiful or pretty, or looked nice. I was only ever told the opposite. So much emphasis was placed on how I looked all through my life but all of it was negative and critical (and false).
In my 20s I discovered independence and the distance away from my parents allowed me to start cooking nice food for myself and I gained weight. This led to years of negative comments about my weight from my mother. That led to a lifetime of disordered eating.
And here I am now at 45.
2.5 stone overweight.
Decided to go on a diet last week. Tried hard. Then yesterday something odd that my mother did yesterday triggered an emotional response in me, I could feel my emotions collapsing over night, and I got up this morning and ate 4 thick slices of bread each slice covered with butter, peanut butter and jam, all spread thickly on to each slice, 1 giant chocolate cookie, and 3 giant choc chip cookie. All in one go at 9am. Basically I've eaten a whole day's worth of calories before 10am. And now the shame has kicked in. The self loathing. The internal berating. My mother in my head saying see I told you you'll get fat if you eat.
So what do I do now?
Do I carry on with eating lunch and dinner today meaning I will eat way in excess of my total calorie intake for the day, or do I now starve myself for the rest of the day in order to avoid excess calories but knowing that will trigger am emotional response to my history of being half starved by my mother all my childhood and adolescence and then starving my own self for years?
Both options are making me want to cry. But I'm at home with my 2 wonderful and joyous DC and I just want to have a lovely, happy summers' day with them.

I don't know really but I'd say eat but eat healthy, good food the rest of the day, light lunch and for dinner a vegetable stir fry with rice?

What your parents did to you was horrible, I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that, it shouldn't have happened.

Honestly, I'd suggest putting the diet on hold until you have the support of a therapist. Have you ever spoken to a professional about your past?

Edit to add: If a therapist not possible right now, please do forgive yourself for your binge. It completely makes sense that you'd feel compelled to do something like that with your history. It doesn't say anything about you as a person.

Eat normally today according to your appetite. I'm so sorry that this was done to you by your parents. I think you might need to sell counselling to undo the trauma they have caused you.

No I never have.
Too painful.

You need to do some inner child work.

I'm sorry you suffered neglect and abuse as a child. Reparent yourself. Treat yourself with love. You can and will recover.

Do not starve yourself for the rest of the day. Listen to your body, if you feel hungry eat something - preferably protein-based.

Tomorrow, stop the diet and focus instead on finding a therapist. You have had an awful childhood experience which has ruined your relationship with food and you can't fix it by yourself.

And I bet you are still beautiful by the way.

Your parents are awful, I hope you have distanced yourself from them. I really don’t think you should be dieting, I think you need therapy/support.

Today you should eat as normal and try not to consider calories at all. Moving forward maybe don’t have things in the house in large quantities and maybe consider some sort of meal prep service so you can take all thought out of eating.

Im really sorry for what you have been through

Why is your mother, who was severely abusive to you throughout your childhood, still in your life?

Just eat as normal today. You don’t need to compensate by eating less. You ate a few slices of bread. That isn’t enough, in isolation, to make you gain weight. If you were doing it every day for months, it might. But not as an occasional one off.

If therapy is an option I’d strongly recommend it in your case. You deserve way better than this.

Your parents are terrible people. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Today you should eat what you would usually have at lunch and dinner. I agree with others that it would be very helpful for you get some support. Maybe start with Beat, the eating disorder support charity. Well done you for overcoming this abuse in tour childhood and having two lovely children. Try to have that lovely summer’s day with them if you can. You certainly deserve it

I’m so sorry for what you have experienced in the past, that is so horribly abusive and psychologically damaging. I agree therapy sounds really important if you haven’t done it, especially if trying to diet in a healthy way.

For today, try to draw a line under this morning and eat balanced healthy meals for the rest of the day? You can eat lightly if it makes you feel better. I think you’ve done a good thing by posting here, I hope you can see in writing it all down, that there is no way you can diet without complicated emotions, due to all you experienced. Try to ditch the shame at least. None of it was your fault, you were a child who was treated appallingly

Poor you, are you still talking to your parents after this abuse? Definitely get some therapy for this childhood trauma. My dad bullied me about my weight as a child too, and my two sisters were all grew up with various problems with food/weight/body issues. At 46 ive just about got a grip on it, I still drink too much though!

I agree with forgetting the diet and going straight to therapy. This was emotional child
abuse and was very difficult to read. I’m so sorry.

Eat normally for the rest of the day. One day of binging isn’t going to do harm - but starving yourself for the rest of the day will cause you psychological harm.

You should definitely look into therapy to support you - and I’d honestly consider going NC with your parents as you are actively harmed by their attitudes.

I’m so sorry OP, I totally agree with forgetting about any kind of diet until you have unpacked this all emotionally with professional support.

Try to eat well, eat healthy, eat balanced meals, but don’t focus or impose any kind of “diet” until you are able to do so without it triggering these emotions because it will only lead to a shame spiral and no good will come of that. Good luck x

Out and out abuse.
There's a lot to unravel there.
Talking to a therapist may help.
I accessed therapy through a charity
And they linked me up with a volunteer therapist through Mind.org.

I have childhood food trauma too. But different to yours, and nowhere near as bad, if I could quantify I would say my experience was about 10% as bad as yours. I was forced to eat foods I found (still do!) revolting, berated, shamed and shouted at at the dinner table, then I was bullied and comfort ate, became fat, (I weighed more aged 10 than I do now!) was bullied for being fat, berated and shamed by family for same, comfort ate more, led to a lifetime of eating disorders from the age of 7-14 binge/starve cycle, 15-20 anorexia, unhealthy relationship with food overall once I recovered, until my early-mid thirties (I am the same age as you).

What helped me was 3 things;

Enjoying cooking from scratch and learning about food (a lot of 'food' is not food, in the western world).

Deciding to become fit and strong.

Working out my TDEE (for weight loss once I had become chubby in my twenties/thirties).

If you haven't, you really need to cut off your parents or at least become VERY LC with them if NC is not practicable.

Work out your TDEE. Decide to stick to it most days. You'll find your body adjusts and then if you can safely reduce to around 200cals lower, the weight will drop off. If you have a 'day off' do not beat yourself up, everyone, even athletic people, eats rubbish sometimes.

Look at your good points. If you were beautiful as a teen, and have not had substance issues, you still are, excess weight can and will come off.

Get some foods/meals in mind that are good for you, that you like. Learn how to cook them healthily. Do this, expand on it as you get more confident. Go for veg and pulse rich foods if you can. Learn more about food, develop an interest.

Avoid UPFs, they're not only bad for the body they also encourage binge eating and do not satiate.

I am now not overweight, have biceps larger than my boobs, and am in control. You can do this.

ETA Learn to listen to your body. If you're feeling empty and hungry later on today, fine, eat something. This day can be a positive turning point at this stage. I truly beleive that the issues you've developed in your formative years will have stopped your body signalling hunger 'normally' that's not your fault, and it can be undone if you learn to recognise hunger versus an emotional urge to eat.

Oh my goodness OP you actually reduced me to tears. It's just inexplicable what some parents do to their own children. I'm so sorry you went through that .

I think you are incredibly strong and resilient, probably more than you know. Eat whatever you feel like eating x

Painful but incredibly necessary!
You wouldn't put off going to the hospital with a broken leg as the treatment may be painful. You have been broken in a different way! And you can't stay like that, for your children's sake!

There is a book by Jeanette McCurdy called Im glady mother is dead (might not be the exact title), she was a teenager actress whose mother constantly went on about her appearance and weight and taught her how to stay thin by developing an eating disorder. It might ring a bell with you, worth a read.

@Belissimoo that's awful. Your parents were abusive and I would urge you to seek therapy.

My mother was was 10% of yours and it resonates and still took me decades to get over it. I was a quiet child, fine mouse brown hair and spectacles. My mother said I couldn't wear pink because it was for pretty girls. I rebelled and pink became my favourite colour.

PS: regardless of what MNetters say, 2.5st isn't very overweight and I bet you look great.

Have salad for lunch and a sensible dinner. Tomorrow's a new day. Book a therapist and your hairdresser, buy a new bag, give your mother a metaphorical kick up the arse. Mine's ill and 90 now and needs me. She's become very nice strangely.

Please don't worry.
You know that you emotionally ate and it's done now. You can still regain a sense of control.
Try and think of how you filled your belly with something tasty and filling and you don't need to think about being hungry now until quite a bit later.
Can you do some exercise, some housework, go for a walk or jog?

I'm so sorry your parents treated you so badly. I hope you can seek counselling?

Oh honey, your post made me cry (that’s not a bad thing) sending huge hugs.
What your parents did was shit!! They treated you so badly and abused you!
Have you been able to seek therapy/ counselling for your trauma? If you can I really think it would help.
1 crap meal/ morning does not define you, I’ll let you in to a secret I had crisps this morning straight after my breakfast and bloody loved them! Well done for acknowledging that it was an emotional reaction. Have your lunch and dinner as normal and enjoy and savour them with your DC. They are going to be looking to you for normal eating habits.
You are an amazing mum and a wonderful woman, don’t allow your parents abusive behaviour to define you, you are so much better than them. Sending more hugs.

Also to add I don’t think you should diet as that can have a negative connotation especially for you with your past. I would look at is as healthy eating which sounds more positive. I’m overweight by more than I care to admit but I refuse to diet as it makes me miserable! I try and drink more water and make better choices by adding fruit and salad to meals, choosing wholemeal bread, eating slightly smaller portions, having a little bit of chocolate for pudding but adding berries and nuts to the plate with it.
I still have shite eating days especially during the school holidays when I’m pottering at home on my own. But it’s only 1 meal or 1 day and I just tell myself I can do better next time and move on and forget about it.

Just re reading your post and noticed you said something odd your mother did yesterday triggered you. Are you still in touch with her? Do you feel able to limit contact with her if she is still triggering/ upsetting you?