What to do ..

[marthasmaw]

My son was divorced for 18 years.
He had his children (2) every weekend until the oldest started choosing teenage friends above seeing dad.
the youngest has now chosen the same route .
he tries to maintain relationships with them
and will go to any lengths to see them.
They no longer answer txt messages or visit..
No birthday / Father’s Day or Xmas gifts .
They live 5 miles from us .
Should we ( grandparents) stop the gifts ( money) for their birthdays and Xmas .?
23 year old working and 19 year old part time and college ( he still pays maintenance for her)

They’re older kids with their own lives. They’re not pay per view! Why would you stop acknowledging their birthdays?

Do you have a relationship with them?

How often do you see them? I always hand over gift/cash in person. If you can’t fit me into your diary you don’t get it!

No you don't punish kids for being kids, you work on the relationships.

If your son doesn't see them and neither do you stop the gifts.

23 year old isn't a kid and should know better.

They are still your grandchildren, so I would continue to send cards but stop the gifts now they are adult and old enough to make their own choice to ‘not bother’ acknowledging birthdays etc of their father and grandparents.

That’s an incredibly childish perspective. They’re adults with their own lives now. How much effort do you make to see them and fit in with what’s going on for them. Do you even know what their life looks like?
If you want to end the relationship permanently then you’re on the right track.

Do you not go to them?

Why on earth would you make your relationship as a grandparent dependent on their relationship with their father?

If you put in the bare minimum effort with your children you will receive the bare minimum relationship in return. It’s unlikely both his children make this amount of effort with him without it being related to him.

@marthasmaw Your relationship with your grandchildren is separate to your son's relationship with them.

Do they thank you for the gifts? If not, then that's just rude so I'd probably just send a birthday card but not send any gifts if they don't acknowledge and thank you for them.

If they don't bother contacting your son then he needs to decide what to do. He can just keep messaging them and send a card on their birthdays.

There is nothing wrong with stopping gifts for whatever reasons. It is not a matter of give to receive. And maybe it will make no odds to them anyway.

Birthday cards can be posted and birthday texts sent.

It would be nice if the family relationship could be maintained though.

Arrange to meet up for lunch/coffee/a chat every couple of months.

We are starting to do this now with siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins. Not necessarily all together and doesn’t have to be anything grand, small groups but mixing it up.

Family dynamics are so complex and modern day life encourages individualism. Take small steps to make it happen.

Should we ( grandparents) stop the gifts ( money) for their birthdays and Xmas .?

Why does your gifts relate to them wanting to see their dad? Are you suggesting you stop gifts as a way of punishing them or guilt tripping them into seeing their dad?!

Your son being a shit dad should make you more, not less, interested in those kids. Regardless of age. Unless you genuinely don’t care. At which point, draw the line and stop everything, you are not holding the cards here.

You're asking if you should no longer be giving them money because they no longer see their father.

No. You should no longer be giving them money because at some point they have to age out of that.

Of course you should continue to acknowledge their birthdays, send a text.

At 23 I lived 3000 miles away from my parents. I saw them at most once a year. At 19 I lived at university most of the time. I saw them a few weeks a year.

at those ages, you need to be thinking about transitioning to adult relationships. Make plans to see them for Christmas or other special occasions. Invite them for a Sunday dinner.

I may be totally wrong here but have you tried to see them independent of your son? Do you contact them regularly and have you done so over the years?

What is your relationship with the grandchildren? You only describe how your son doesn't see them.
I was expecting them to be early teens, not an adult and late teen!
Do you have any contact with them?