To think my friend is trying to make me feel bad?

[ByLoftyUmberOtter]

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for close to 20 years. The last several years were very hard for me. She knows this. Well, the last year things have been looking up for me, not perfect, and I don’t say, “Oh my life is so great now,” but I’ve noticed she tends to bring up the past like very painful topics for me and not offer any support or kindness.

Like she brings up my painful family estrangement every few weeks unprompted and asks the same questions (they haven’t contacted you, how terrible!) knowing I’ve moved, changed my phone number, etc.

She knows the answers, it’s like she’s trying to provoke a reaction. I feel so terrible after talking to her. I’ve told her before I wanted to move on from this. She will also make random jabs about embarrassing moments from my past consistently out of the blue.

Shes going through a hard time now since she’s in her 50s with a young child and she’s never really worked. I stay positive and offer to help her find a job.

Her ex husband can’t hold a job and she was fully reliant on her mom’s income. Her mother passed away earlier this year, and my friend has always had extreme spending issues. I sent her some money for her mom’s funeral. She also stays up all night and will maybe get 3-4 hours of sleep.

I have to say she didn’t use to treat me like this before she was in such a vulnerable position, and I was doing horribly but it’s like since she’s stressed she lashes out at me. Life before she might say something randomly hurtful but now she really digs in salting my wounds. She had a history of being verbally abusive with her exes and her mom.

She also forgot my birthday this year which is no big deal but our birthdays are less than two weeks apart, and a text would’ve been nice considering she always remembers her other childhood friends birthdays.

AIBU?

This is a person unhappy with their life who finds pleasure in trying to make you as miserable as them. Personally I would end this ‘friendship’ but I would not just ghost them, I’d call them on their behaviour so that they would stop it or choose to drop me - that’s just my style.
When they brought up the estrangement again, I would say something like ‘I’ve asked you to drop the matter so why do you continue to ask me?’ Accusations of sensitive - ‘yes perhaps, and you know this so why do you keep asking. Is your intention to upset me?’. “mothers love is unconditional” - ‘again, you keep referencing matters you know will hurt me - why?’.
If there is anything that would result in a similar response for her, I would use it ‘How would you feel if we spent this call discussing your x instead if you wish to raise hurtful topics?’ A final one if she was persistent would be ‘you seem to be using this call just to bring up matters I’ve asked you not to so I’m going to end it now as I’ve made my position clear’ then hang up. Then I would not contact her again. If she contacts me, OK, I’ll talk but when she raises this again I would go through the same routine. She will get the message that access to me relies on accepting my boundaries. If she is as sensitive as you say, she will probably not contact you after you call her out on her behaviour.

It’s especially odd to me that she brings it up so often when I’ve never expressed wanting to reconcile with my family.

Whenever I mentioned to her (this was over a year ago) my mom contacting me by sending me a card this friend would barely even respond. Just crickets 🦗

You sound like a decent person OP who wants to help others.

But frankly your 'friend' sounds like she only wants you around if she can make you feel bad so she can feel better about herself.

Basically when you were struggling she probably felt a sense of satisfaction that she was not in your position...now that she is struggling too she is trying to bring you down so she can feel superior again.

I would dump her and focus on making new friendships with people who bring positivity to your life.

That’s what it really feels like, it just hurts so badly considering how bad off I was over the past few years, however I didn’t try to make her feel like I did. I went to therapy for 3 years during this time working on myself.

I think she does have untreated bipolar disorder (she told me years ago she was diagnosed but seemed to dismiss the diagnosis) which may make her lashing out at others worse.