To think my friend is trying to make me feel bad?

[ByLoftyUmberOtter]

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for close to 20 years. The last several years were very hard for me. She knows this. Well, the last year things have been looking up for me, not perfect, and I don’t say, “Oh my life is so great now,” but I’ve noticed she tends to bring up the past like very painful topics for me and not offer any support or kindness.

Like she brings up my painful family estrangement every few weeks unprompted and asks the same questions (they haven’t contacted you, how terrible!) knowing I’ve moved, changed my phone number, etc.

She knows the answers, it’s like she’s trying to provoke a reaction. I feel so terrible after talking to her. I’ve told her before I wanted to move on from this. She will also make random jabs about embarrassing moments from my past consistently out of the blue.

Shes going through a hard time now since she’s in her 50s with a young child and she’s never really worked. I stay positive and offer to help her find a job.

Her ex husband can’t hold a job and she was fully reliant on her mom’s income. Her mother passed away earlier this year, and my friend has always had extreme spending issues. I sent her some money for her mom’s funeral. She also stays up all night and will maybe get 3-4 hours of sleep.

I have to say she didn’t use to treat me like this before she was in such a vulnerable position, and I was doing horribly but it’s like since she’s stressed she lashes out at me. Life before she might say something randomly hurtful but now she really digs in salting my wounds. She had a history of being verbally abusive with her exes and her mom.

She also forgot my birthday this year which is no big deal but our birthdays are less than two weeks apart, and a text would’ve been nice considering she always remembers her other childhood friends birthdays.

AIBU?

You dont have to put up with this.
You can hang up on her.
You can decline her calls.
You can message her and tell her that since she seems to just want to hurt you, you are blocking her and she's not to contact you again.

I’d phase it out, she’s had her chance and has proven herself to be a poor friend. You don’t have to ghost or have a big row, just don’t be available and she’ll get the message.

If she's not physically in your life, like she can't just spring a visit on your doorstep because she only lives around the corner, then removing her from your life should be so easy.
To be honest, she sounds depressed and if she's never really worked before, then she's unlikely to get work for the first time in her 50's - let's be realistic.

Anyway, none of this is your problem.

F

in the moment it’s like I’m stunned and frozen

So have some stock answers written down and refer to them if she phones and starts saying this stuff. Maybe you could write/e-mail and lay out your concerns if that is easier than the immediacy of a voice on the phone. Give her some time to consider and change her ways. Mainly, I'd say she isn't much of a friend and you should distance yourself from her. You are not at her beck and call.

There's a difference between a request, ("Please don't bring up X", where she's got the power, either to respect or ignore) and a boundary ("I don't want you to bring up X ever again, and if you do, I'll hang up"/ "I asked you not to bring up X, you have, so I'm hanging up now" where you have the power.
You need to have boundaries and protect them.
This woman is not your friend. She may have problems but her putting you down to make herself feel better doesn't help either of you.
Unfortunately there are "friends" who are happier when you're down and she's one of them.
Long-term, you're doing her a favour by enforcing boundaries, because she'll have to find better ways of making herself feel good.
I'm glad you're in a better place now and hope things continue to get better and that you make some really good friends, who enhance your life and who make you feel buoyed up after seeing them. You deserve better than someone who causes you repeated pain.💐

She's just horrible and she's not your friend.

She's bringing up your past issues to feel better about her own problems. And she doesn't respect your boundaries when you tell her that you don't want to dig the past back up, which suggests that she doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. The forgotten birthday further reenforces my conviction that she's not your friend. I'd be done with her. But if you're not ready for that, at least stop giving her money, supprt or offers of help. Just be cordial and polite, and keep it at that.

Nah, get rid OP. As a previous poster says the friendship has run its course.
I've had this dynamic and after losing my shit didn't change anything, I phased them out. With hindsight they liked me being in a negative space and when I did something about it and changed things for the better the jabs started and they were nothing as bad as what she's saying to you. It's an appalling way to treat a friend of 20 years.

Voted YABU for staying friends.
When your friends drag you down, walk away.

Stop answering her calls and replying to her texts. You're under no obligation to continue a relationship with someone who is unkind to you and upsets you. Friendships should bring joy into your life - if they're not, then they are not a good friend.

She doesn't sound much of a friend, Op. Perhaps she was in the past but not now?

She's deliberately talking about a subject which is deeply painful to you and which you don't want to discuss with her. This isn't you being 'sensitive', it's self-preservation and she is being very insensitive. I'd be asking myself what is she getting out of doing this when she knows it upsets you so much?

I had a very similar situation with a cousin of mine. I rarely heard from her but whenever I did she would bring up a very painful situation from my childhood which had affected me but not her. Like you, I expressed my boundaries to her and she would ignore them. I believe she was getting some sort of warped pleasure out of stirring things up. The last time she did it, I very calmly told her I wasn't going to discuss the subject, she tried to change my mind, I told her 'no' a second time and ended the call. Then I blocked her. Some people don't deserve our friendship. Only you can decide whether this friendship is worth having any longer.

OP this is no friend!!! Fade fade fade her out of your life. She sounds horrible!

This person is not a positive force in your life. You have shared history which makes it hard to cut her out but she seems so toxic. She is needling you, it’s nasty and a problem with her. We all have things in our past that we don’t want to discuss/revisit. Speaking from experience of a similar person, I would avoid. Hope you’re ok.

Try to get some boundaries in place OP.

I have a similar dynamic with a friend nowadays. She’s going through a rough patch. I’ve tried to help. I’m also going through a terrible patch, but she doesn’t even know about any of it. The reason she doesn’t know is she will call and tell me every negative thing in her life for two hours then go. Or I’ll text something nice and get a list of awful things going on in her life. In reality she has nice things happening too but I’m not told about them.

the part that resonates with me is I’m estranged. My friend also knows this and I get the nasty comments about it. Even when i say I don’t want to talk about it or its the same. It’s like my family estrangement has to be a topic of conversation always.

we haven’t spoken on the phone now for 6 months which is sad but at least I don’t have salt rubbed in my wounds.

I’m guessing your family are very toxic or you wouldn’t be no contact. It seems you have a toxic friendship too. When we grow up around toxic people we attract them as adults because it’s what we’re used to, until (if we’re lucky) we start having a sort of awakening and making changes.

I’d say leave her in the past and move forward. She’s dragging you back.

Yes definitely, my family was abusive. I met her when I was young and didn’t know how to spot toxic behavior. It’s just now in middle 30s I’ve gotten better at spotting toxic behavior but I still question myself sometimes.

It’s just very hurtful to feel like someone you care about would want to make you feel bad it’s hard for me to accept that.

Yes she use to be wonderful I thought although in hindsight I can think of random nasty comments she would say, it’s like when it happens in the moment I’m stunned and speechless

Needling is the perfect term for what she’s doing. It’s just bizarre to me that she can say hurtful things too (directly) as well as then bringing up painful topics but she is extremely hyper sensitive to benign things people say to her, and now thinking about it she can be quite competitive especially when it comes to her child getting awards at school, having the best clothes etc

I’m not a big birthday celebratory person but our birthdays are two weeks apart and both are parents birthdays are in late July through August so I have a hard time thinking her not even sending a text wasn’t intentional.

Thank you. I felt so bad after speaking to her I felt physically ill, and just all these painful emotions welled up. Not just the subjects she brought up, but the fact that I’m on the phone with this woman and she’s trying to hurt me.

its hard to fathom a friend would want to hurt me knowing I’ve had an abusive family, estrangement, horrible workplace trauma(I finally left the job after 5 years) chronic illness and struggle with depression and she would still try to bring me down.

In fact I don’t even tell her much positive going on in my life (like kind things my husband does for me)because I don’t want to make her feel a certain way

A friend would not.

But this has happened so many times you have no excuse now for not preparing a good response.

Just practise a couple and deliver them - clearly and firmly.

I’ve asked you not to keep bringing that up. I expect you to respect that.

If you can’t respect that, I think it would be best if we stopped talking. (end call.)

Shes walking all over you and you’re letting her. Call her out on it and protect yourself.

I have some years of my life that I am really trying to put behind me and I get really anxious/(pissed off) when anyone mentions this.

I shut it down and say that's a time in my life that I've moved on from. I really can't talk about that any more.

Eventually the message gets through but I get you must be really disappointed in your friend who continues to bring up triggering subjects.

You might decide that you need to distance yourself from the friendship.

X

I'm so sorry, but this woman is not your friend. She's part of your toxic past and what's more, she's happiest when you're upset. She doesn't sound like a nice person at all - she sounds greedy and entitled, tbh.

Given she lives so far away then I'd either block her or I'd get another phone number altogether so that she can't get hold of you. I'd ask your husband to monitor any messages that arrive through the post because she will certainly try to drag you back into her life, especially as she's lost her other friends (wonder why?) and you give her money.