AIBU to feel hurt after friends forgot my birthday plans?

[Rosie8880]

I organised two events for two groups of friends for my significant birthday this summer.

For both groups i checked in with everyone in March a date that worked for each and then by April set the dates for each celebration.

For first group I asked for deposits for the birthday activity and set out an itinar which all agreed to.

For the second group I shared times for the meal and then, as a group ee decided to extend the day to a weekend of camping too.

I didn’t send many notifications or reminders to either group.

Now in background, in the first group, one of the group a few weeks ahead of the actual birthday event, had shared with mutual friends( also agreed to come to the birthday event) the date for her husband’s bbq, that clashed with my event date.

(Except I didn’t know about the bbq directly from said friend until later. An invite for the husbands fancy dresss bbq was actually sent out to me only the day before the bbq, whilst I felt others must have had it earlier to book it in and also organise the fancy dress)

So long story short, I just let the first group event not happen as bar two people everyone (5 people) had forgotten).

compared to The second group that had organised presents paid for my meal and organised camping for me…

essentially group 2 not only didn’t need loads of reminders - they stuck it in their diary and made a really nice weekend of it.

the first group - people forgot, didn’t remember and also planned things over the event itself.

I’ve been mulling over the relationships I have in both groups and there are some in the first group that I just find lovely but I find that they forgot my birthday to the point of of booking another event over it (and haven’t actually come forward with any happy birthdays bar WhatsApp) tell me what place I occupy in their lives. What do you all think? AIBU to be a bit upset?

No, if they were good friends they would have said no they cant make it and wouldn't have treated the OP badly.

Its not grabby, people weren't forced to say yes. All OP was doing was asking people to join her to do an activity.

MN is baffling at times.

Exactly!

I find the attitude on MN so bizarre, I have a few different friendship groups so I would do different things, my school friends, my work friends, my sports team friends, my mum friends and my besties. Unless I am planning a massive party then I would do things with these groups separately. Everyone happy to get together and never any angst about it.

Its definitely not unusual to do this either as I have been the invitee for these sorts of events also. The organiser never pays for it or, nor would ever be expected to. No one expects the people to say yes.

Personally I don’t think you did anything wrong OP, you organised something, you all set a date and everyone said yes. I hate it when people use the excuse of “life gets busy” or “life gets in the way” 🙄 If they said yes then you’d assume it’s in the diary and it’s to go ahead and you shouldn’t have to chase or keep sending reminders - they’re all grown ups for goodness sake!
But maybe in this case they had no real intentions of committing as didn’t pay the deposit and jumped on the free BBQ and I can see why you’re upset as I would be too.
In future I’d focus on the friends that did show up.

But you haven't explained why it's unnecessary? Is the misunderstanding cos you assume I'm inviting anyone I've ever met, rather than friends I've been friends with for 33 / 26 years?

urely the longer you've been friends with someone, the more likely yo u are yo celebrate? My point was I'd try and find something that suited but also met some of their needs, which would probably mean two meet ups and different locations. Because I would want to consider my invitees.
. For my hen do, I did one centrally to me and expected more of people re travel but for something smaller like a birthday I would rather have a couple of smaller celebrations than a huge one.

In our case, cos we went to Uni / school together were the same age we tend to do group birthday celebrations at milestones so that does help make sure e ery one can come! S

How old are you OP?

But a BBQ at your house where they're travelling several hours, can't drink cos they're driving and then travelling back home is to me a worse proposition than staying over somewhere, a full day at a spa somewhere central. And only ever celebrating something I wanted to celebrate if someone else put in alll the work to organising it for me feels massively entitled.

The point someone made us it's about what works for your friends and if they're low effort / commitment friends then that's fien, but op needs to mirror that energy back, focus on the ones who paid the deposit but she then cancelled on, and the second friendship group.

I feel genuinely sad for some peoe that their lives are like this.

Why aren't you excited your friend is excited to celebrate? Why aren't yo u excited to get together with your friends and spend time together?

Is my mate turning 45 of grave importance to me? No. But she is. Her happiness is. Supporting her is. Enjoying time together is.

Weddings and babies also get this attitude on MN. I got a taxi, train and a lift to a wedding where I pitched in and helped set up the room and sort food to do the same journey back home. I left mine at 7 am and got home at 9 pm. Not because her WEDDING matters so much as SHE matters. We had a lovely day together with mutual friends celebrating something that matters to someone I love. The same would honestly apply for a birthday or a christening or a divorce party or a housewarming.

I hope you fine deep meaningful friendships in your future.

OP, what stands out to me is that you say you got the bbq invitation the day before the bbq / birthday event. So after arranging the spa day well in advance there was then no further communication by the sounds of it.

If I had arranged a spa event I would definitely ensure communication before the day before. Some people are flaky, some are disorganised. So leaving it so long with zero communication i am not surprised people forgot. Sorry.

You split the groups for a reason - they are different. Whether they don’t generally mix, or some from different parts of your life, group A are more like acquaintances and group B are your real friends. This is your proof of that so invest your energy in group B.

I think there’s potentially no single reason but contributing factors.
it sounds like with group 2 you suggested a meal and then the group decided to change this to camping? Presumably an activity they all enjoy and had a hand in choosing.
Did group 1 get a say in the spa day? It sounds like from the off you didn’t get much buy in as only 2 paid the deposit. If people have missed your deposit deadline then they’re already telling you they don’t want to go.
Also people tend to go with momentum. If you’ve got 1 or 2 people organising a collection then people go with that energy.

You asked for deposits? To something you’ve invited people to? Did they pay up? I’m surprised if they did and still forgot.

It's just too much hoopla for a birthday. Your friends are rude for not replying but I guess this would be a sign that I wouldn't plan anything "big" like this again. Just go out for dinner and drinks in the future.

It seems the two who paid deposits remembered, no one else did. But yes, if you're suggesting you all go to the spa, in most circles that doesn't mean op is paying for everything,

Nobody cares about birthdays for grown-ups. It really isn't that big a deal. I used to have a Main Character friend (note the 'used to') who would practically have a Birthday Week every year and by golly nobody was allowed to forget it! The hoo-ha would start ages beforehand and she would be constantly reminding people all the ruddy time. Meal out with family one evening, lunch with work colleagues another plus cream cakes in the office, nightclub with one lot of friends, bowling with another, a pub crawl, Sunday lunch round mum and dad... on and on. Honestly, it was just a great long succession of people giving her birthday presents and cards. 🙄

Well one group and several friends from other group did care enough to go, and plenty of people on this thread care too so you mean YOU and SOME PEOPLE don't care.. Your ex friend sounds hard work but that clearly isn't what happened to op