AIBU to feel hurt after friends forgot my birthday plans?

[Rosie8880]

I organised two events for two groups of friends for my significant birthday this summer.

For both groups i checked in with everyone in March a date that worked for each and then by April set the dates for each celebration.

For first group I asked for deposits for the birthday activity and set out an itinar which all agreed to.

For the second group I shared times for the meal and then, as a group ee decided to extend the day to a weekend of camping too.

I didn’t send many notifications or reminders to either group.

Now in background, in the first group, one of the group a few weeks ahead of the actual birthday event, had shared with mutual friends( also agreed to come to the birthday event) the date for her husband’s bbq, that clashed with my event date.

(Except I didn’t know about the bbq directly from said friend until later. An invite for the husbands fancy dresss bbq was actually sent out to me only the day before the bbq, whilst I felt others must have had it earlier to book it in and also organise the fancy dress)

So long story short, I just let the first group event not happen as bar two people everyone (5 people) had forgotten).

compared to The second group that had organised presents paid for my meal and organised camping for me…

essentially group 2 not only didn’t need loads of reminders - they stuck it in their diary and made a really nice weekend of it.

the first group - people forgot, didn’t remember and also planned things over the event itself.

I’ve been mulling over the relationships I have in both groups and there are some in the first group that I just find lovely but I find that they forgot my birthday to the point of of booking another event over it (and haven’t actually come forward with any happy birthdays bar WhatsApp) tell me what place I occupy in their lives. What do you all think? AIBU to be a bit upset?

You have one birthday why not have it on the day for everyone to come, instead of planning 2 different days.

People have busy lives so sending reminders is a must, even a "can't wait for xdate, or doing xthing" is a reminder.

It is hurtful but it was also mainly your fault.

It is hurtful, and rude. Everyone invited who said yes sounds great should have then put it in their diary. Perhaps one person forgets, and they then organise a bbq, but by the time they've invited other people surely someone says to them, oh that's the same day as the spa, did you mean the weekend after? And they get a chance to rectify it.

But if a whole group doesn't bother to actually save the date so that when something else comes along they say yes because they think they are free, then yes that's hurtful, rude and inconsiderate.

A milestone birthday is really only of interest to the individual and their immediate family - partner, dc, parents, siblings. It is not all that much more of a big deal than your normal birthday.

Other people really do not care all that much about a big all-singing all-dancing celebration for someone else's milestone birthday. They really don't. It is not a big event in their lives.

All sounds a bit complicated to me!

In future just have one event?

I would imagine it's down to how the people in each group approach and value birthdays rather than how they value you (based on this alone, obviously if you have other reasons to feel overlooked then that's different).

Some people I know love any excuse to involve themselves in a birthday gathering and others barely register their own. Neither are better, just different interests and approaches.

I understand you feeling a bit miffed though. At least you had the one celebration! I think I'd be more upset about the last minute invitation when it was a close friend's event tbh.

Why did you have two birthday parties? I would suggest the first group aren't as close as the second. Next time scale things down and celebrate with close friends only

Only on mum'snet is someone suggesting something fun for their birthday supposed to pay for the whoek thing. Some of you either lvie very charmed lives or very quiet, isolated ones.

And who, with a group of friends likely in a variety of ife stages which involve work and caring repaknsibilities, can organise a group trip with a month's notice???

Op I think is focus on the friends who did show up. I think it's a shame a couple of friends did hold the date, did want to come and you cancelled it? I'd find that pretty offensive personally. We're they nto good enough to hang out with?

The other thing is, it seems you don't talk to your friends much in between? I wouldn't need formal reminders because my friends and I keep in touch and it would come up. We just had a wedding, we set up a special chat without the bride to sort gifts and travel, a special birthday activity would be similar. But we'd also be talking on and off about looking forward to it and what other plans do you have etc. It wouldn't be an invite months in advance and then an update a month before. I think if you're not keeping in touch like that, maybe the friendship isn't what you think. I'd pull back and see if they notice.

But that's assuming it works geographically. If I met up with my uni mates for my birthday I'd look for somewhere a bit Chestetish, but for School friends I'd look a bit Oxfordy. The expectation on some of those friends to go to the other place or even in the middle would he a lot, and we're nto even talking big distances

It's a bit shit of group 1 but you say all bar 2 so don't lump those 2 in the shit friends category but the others are out of order and you might want to step back from that friendship - they don't sound very good friends imo
X

You don't have to celebrate with every single friend? I don't know anyone who has big birthday celebrations with their old school friends or old uni friends unless they are about 23...

Why wouldn't I celebrate with my old school friends in my 40s? , which friends am I permitted to celebrate with when I turn 50 for example?

Sorry about your birthday, I’d be upset by that too. You and group one had a day out planned that means it would have been in their calendars months ago. So none of them were free for a bbq. The friend whose husband it was did she not originally say she can’t do the spa day with you its her husbands birthday? Not sure why she didn’t tell you that then preceed to invite everyone to the bbq instead. I would distance myself from that friend, is that your oldest closest one?

Everyone I know does. I see SM for old friends, who I was once close to, but no longer see. for their 40ths, 50ths and 60ths. I’m in my 50s.

also when people are saying why two get togethers I think that’s normal too. One old friend had a three week sort of celebration. She recently went to Europe with one group of friends two of them had birthdays in the same week and had a big celebration there plus meal with other family and friends. Same friend also had a weeks holiday with some of her family and other friends. Then a city break on the actual day. And then a big celebration in a posh restaurant for a huge group of friends.

It's really only on MN that the "but why would you do anything for your birthday? You're past the age of 12, grow up, no one cares" attitude

You have one birthday why not have it on the day for everyone to come, instead of planning 2 different days.

I have different friendship groups that I've made through different interests. With a couple of exceptions, they don't know each other. They live in different parts of the country and have different family and work commitments. It would be a nightmare to try to get them all together at a single time and place.

I think you should probably have realised that people who hadn't paid deposits had also not booked the day in their diaries. It may be that group of friends are a bit more flaky or disorganised? There may be just one person in the other group who is very organised and kept the others on track? I'm glad you had a great birthday with that group of friends. The first lot I would match their energy, invest less and expect very little from most of them.

That's not my point. I'm saying it's unusual in adulthood to be thinking 'i must arrange two birthday celebrations at least one in a town I don't live in so that my friends from 10-20 years ago can attend' - it's just so unnecessary and as OP has discovered people don't want to attend things like that on the whole.

That's all lovely if you have large groups of friends who want to do that sort of thing I suppose. It's not usual in my circle but I'm not saying that's universal! But OP has discovered it's not a priority for these friends, so rather than getting upset about that, she should accept that's not a priority and not try to do it again in future!

But then surely you say no, dont commit to it then let the friend down last minute in quite a hurtful way.

Its totally valid thats how you do things, however my firends and I have busy social diaries due to sports/kids/other stuff so have to book well in advance to be able to see each other. One of the group doesnt like committing in advance (mainly as we're not her priority which is fine) but shes honest about this and comes if she can closer to the time. She doesnt ever let us down and generally would make the effort for a big birthday.

Maybe I'm old school but organising your own event thats just about you and then asking people to pay for it sounds grabby to me. Instead, they've opted for a free BBQ. If they were good friends you should of waited for them to organise something for you. Not ask for money from them way in advance.

Thats fine, they just need to say no then surely 🤷🏻‍♀️