AIBU to feel hurt after friends forgot my birthday plans?

[Rosie8880]

I organised two events for two groups of friends for my significant birthday this summer.

For both groups i checked in with everyone in March a date that worked for each and then by April set the dates for each celebration.

For first group I asked for deposits for the birthday activity and set out an itinar which all agreed to.

For the second group I shared times for the meal and then, as a group ee decided to extend the day to a weekend of camping too.

I didn’t send many notifications or reminders to either group.

Now in background, in the first group, one of the group a few weeks ahead of the actual birthday event, had shared with mutual friends( also agreed to come to the birthday event) the date for her husband’s bbq, that clashed with my event date.

(Except I didn’t know about the bbq directly from said friend until later. An invite for the husbands fancy dresss bbq was actually sent out to me only the day before the bbq, whilst I felt others must have had it earlier to book it in and also organise the fancy dress)

So long story short, I just let the first group event not happen as bar two people everyone (5 people) had forgotten).

compared to The second group that had organised presents paid for my meal and organised camping for me…

essentially group 2 not only didn’t need loads of reminders - they stuck it in their diary and made a really nice weekend of it.

the first group - people forgot, didn’t remember and also planned things over the event itself.

I’ve been mulling over the relationships I have in both groups and there are some in the first group that I just find lovely but I find that they forgot my birthday to the point of of booking another event over it (and haven’t actually come forward with any happy birthdays bar WhatsApp) tell me what place I occupy in their lives. What do you all think? AIBU to be a bit upset?

I can’t make head nor tail of this

YANBU to be upset. Thats valid. But I want to ask what have you done to perpetuate the situation?

What i get from your post is that you booked events in March; didnt mention them again in the 5 months since and are surprised that people invited to those events forgot them?

When i say mention, not even a "omg i'm so excited to see you" "it'll be so nice to meet up", "the X event will be the first time we've been/seen/done..." even a drop into conversation about an event happens as part of conversation, surely?

For first group I asked for deposits for the birthday activity and set out an itinar which all agreed to.
So they all paid deposits but then never mentioned it again? What about the two people who did remember - couldn't you still do the activity with them?

I didn’t send many notifications or reminders to either group.
What does this mean - did you give reminders or not? I think that when I heard about the BBQ from the mutual friend, I would have sent out a reminder in a breezy way to try find out what was going on.

I did a reminder in June. With an intinary x what I noticed is the other group of friends remembered, added it to their diaries, and on top of that self organised to extend the celebration - they had the same prompts and reminders.

Only two people have deposits. We decided to plan for a different day which was fine. When I heard about the bbq I was floored on two levels - one that said friend had totally forgotten about my event and sediment that I hadn’t even been invited at that point other mutual friends had and that I only heard about it via mutual friends.

What a complicated mess.

Ultimately op… no one was particularly invested in this birthday celebration. And nor were you it would appear up until it all fell apart

One group were: we had a great birthday and this group organised lots of things on top of the original plan plus didn’t need constant prompts. What I’m interested in seeing is a) why so much difference btw the two groups b) and am questioning is one group of pals just not as invested in friendship with me as the other group.c) do you really need to give prompts for a milestone birthday event in weeks leading up to it - shouldn’t it just be in diaries (as the other group had done). D) learning from this in terms of planning events for future

What was the activity you had booked for group 1 then? Had you paid for the deposit? I’m confused.

I would be upset by this to and would question how important the friendship was to those people. Wouldn’t fall out and make a fuss or anything but would be surface level friends only after that. The forgetting is one thing but then finding they’re holding an event that you’re not invited to but mutual friends are. Just suggests they don’t see you as a close friend or priority at all. Not who I would want to celebrate my birthday with anyway. Definitely don’t take it personally though. Your other group clearly love you and who needs any more than that! 😌

This is all so very strange

How old are you?

The issue I have is the first group consists of one of my oldest pals who I am close to.

many of said group are going through things BUT they remember others birthdays buy presents for them and also attend events.

I haven’t even had so much as an apology from two pals or even much in way of let’s do something to celebrate. In my actual birthday one of the closest oldest pals WhatsApp me happy birthday and then proceeded to tell me she was stuck in a train trying to get to another pals event - aka she made the majority of the text about her. Unbelievable

Indeed. ( and…..a fancy dress bbq? Quel horreur)

Have to say I’d reflexively feel a bit unenthusiastic were a friend to set out to enlist everyone into her own birthday bash (never mind engage in what might even be physical activity, beyond dancing!)
It just hits me as a bit off, and should be something organised for you, not by you. (I realise I’m probably very out of sync with most, on this)

But I hate being required to commit to (most) social things well in advance anyway, and feel quite suffocated by being denied any means of egress.
It all sounds very Girl Guide-ish to me (Miss Anne Thrope)

Well, I'd be guessing...

1. Only the two who gave the deposits were committed to going/committed to you
2. The others either didn't want to go or were seeing if something better came along
3. Something better, in terms of a free Barbie, did come along so you got bumped
4. You got an invite last minute

Now...

1. If you had not pushed for reminders or RSVPs especially with deposits involved, that's on you
2. Fairweather friends at worst or disorganised/busy or broke at best
3. Hurtful but understandable
4. Did you swallow your pride and go?

In your shoes, I'd have gone to the Barbie, seen them in person and said "Oh, I postponed because of the clash" and celebrated there, or took the hint that the activity was niche

I voted YANBU because the lack of card, gift or text/greeting, if you always remember and reciprocate, is hard to take

Did they know you have two separate groups and were celebrating twice. Which celebration was on your birthday proper?
Next year, take group 2 plus the 2 who did not let you down and amalgamate. 🥳🎈

That’s valid.

If you worded the invite like you worded your OP then it's likely no one quite knew what was going on.

Next time, for a meal out only arrange 4-6 weeks before and remind people. If you're expecting people to pay a deposit that's a bit kucb considering it's your birthday. You should have fully organised it, sending reminders etc.

Hi, thanks for the reply. It was organised a way in advance as it was a spa day. The deposit was for holding the activities. It’s really hard to leave things in summer hols that little advance notice as most are on hols etc. the plan was to set a date, do the organisation before summer, and then have a date that worked for all in advance. Sending out simple updates (reminders), a month before. But I think what I wanted was & reason why came to the madness that is mums net is seeing all sides.

I do feel once you get past a certain age so much emphasis shouldn’t be given to birthdays - it just seems childish, expensive, exhausting etc…

The only exceptions would be milestone birthdays where family may organise something for you.

I’m always surprised to hear that people still go over the top with friends (whom would likely prefer to forget) every year. I do think it maybe just so they can post about it on social media. But it gives the opposite effect than what they’re hoping for, I assume for most people they think ‘grow-up, get a life!’.

@Rosie8880 Unfortunately you’ve summoned your friends. One set were okay with it. One set not okay with it. And a lazy bbq is preferred.

The thing is I NEVER organise birthdays - this one I should have said did it under pressure from friends to actually do something which is why the whole thing has been both a Jesus Christ and also an eye opener.

When you found out about the bbq did you not say 'eh that's our spa day' or has no one acknowledged this

But surely if only 2 people paid the deposit, only 2 had truly confirmed?

I think this is poor communication from you tbh. The rest were probably wondering if it was still going ahead.

Why didn’t you get deposits from the others? You should have gone ahead with the two that had paid and cleared their diary for you, I would be miffed if I was them.