FIL calling me a bitch

[fireflies9]

it was my daughters birthday party and my FIL called me a bitch, however I’m not sure how much of it was a joke or if he meant it.

My husband and I were in a group talking about possibly moving away in the future and my husband left to get a drink leaving me with the in laws.

My FIL asked me point blank when I was going back to work as I’m on mat leave and pregnant again with my second, to which I replied I’ve got time to think about it with the second on the way and my FIL replied saying ‘well you won’t be going on our payroll, bitch’

The payroll he’s referring to is my husbands business, my husband owns 100% shares but my FIL helps out with admin. My MIL has been a SAHM mum since the kids were born and not had a job since so it’s not exactly like it’s something he fundamentally disagrees with.

It all felt a bit weird and out of the blue and in the moment I laughed it off and just said ‘we’ll see, I’m off to get a drink’ and left but I got upset and had a cry in the bathroom after I left lol probably hormones from the pregnancy.

He does have a track record of bad jokes but im just a bit fed up with them because it feels like he means them and only says stuff like this when my husband isn’t there.

Next time he comes out with a vile remark, fix him with a stare and say "and what do you mean by THAT?"

Make the nasty bullying wanker squirm in front of everyone.

I would honestly think twice about working for him DH’s business. God forbid, you split up and you’ll have no income of your own. Build your career separately.

The in laws have recently offered my husband early inheritance for house reno so I feel like I can’t fall out with them because they’ve been generous financially. It’s too late building wise to cancel but probably a lesson learnt to decline any generous gifts in the future as it feels like more of a burden.

This is often the case on MN.

A fair few adults still living off their parents/inlaws and so feel they have to put up with shit.

Lesson learned indeed.

And remind him that it was his son who got you pregnant in the first place.

I'll get shouted down for this, but I think so much depends on the tone here. I like irreverent humour, so if he obviously seemed to be joking, I'd probably genuinely find this funny.

OTOH, if he said it while glaring at you, hissing the word...obviously that's very different.

Either way, I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. Even if it was honestly meant as a joke, he owes you an apology for that.

I think you need to speak up. No one wpuld get away with calling me a bitch. What a horrible man.

@fireflies9 what did your husband say when you told him what his father had said to you?

How is being called a bitch funny? Especially when it's your FIL. 😕

The best way to respond to that type of passive aggressive comment is to feign confusion.

Smile politely, tilt your head, look mildly confused, maintain eye contact, and ask nicely "What did you say?".
If they repeat the comment or say it was just a joke, double down:
"I don't understand?" "Your not going on our payroll bitch, is a joke?"
Then you need to ask the key question:
"Where are you going with this?"
Don't say anything else, just maintain eye contact until they are finished with whatever response they come up with.
No matter what they say next say respond with "ok." and a knowing smile.

Surely his tone and expression would have indicated if it was a joke. You saying you laughed along sounds like it was. Was he and MIL laughing?
It does sound like a joke to keep, especially given MIL being a SAHM.

Maybe you didn't cry because of hormones but because your partner's dad was an arsehole to you. It's a perfectly reasonable reason to cry.

Like I said, I have an irreverent sense of humour. Wouldn't bother me if it was clearly meant as a joke.

Its not “irreverent humor” —irreverent literaly means without reverence/resoect for that which is superior. So if OP made fun of her FIL that would be irreverent. An older man, her dh’s father, who has offered money, calls his son’s wife a bitch? That’s not irreverent. there is an unsubtle difference between punching up and punching down.

To me, it would land as irreverent humour. Obviously this is a subjective thing that we're not going to agree on, and that's fine.

This is awful. I can’t imagine my FIL ever calling me a bitch, joking or otherwise. And my husband would not tolerate it anyway. YANBU at all.

No tone changes calling someone a bitch at a fucking birthday party. He sure didn't do it in front of her husband.

Blah blah blah, bitch.

That is pure aggression from her FIL.

Some people, both men and women, use that and other terms some consider really bad in a jokey way (when I lived in Glasgow, pal was seen as the danger word, friends called each other the x-rated ones). Beeyatch and so on have been used on all sorts of shows in a lighthearted way, and it's only recently some people have objected (ok, some people have objected to swear words forever, but many don't, so it seems OTT to get mad about him doing it; he probably assumes younger people are more likely to be ok with swearing; my grandparents would have objected to bitch and other swear words, my parents wouldn't). If you don't want him to swear in front of you/your kids, be clear and say you know lots of people swear, but you don't. Or if there's some words you don't mind, say which you do, like if he's still doing the Britney Bitch thing.
As for working or not, tell him that's really between you and your husband, but it's not strange he'd be surprised at a woman not working in this time period-it was more normal for his wife, assuming she's a good bit older than you, not to work, as mums of her generation often didn't work as much, so there's no reason to be upset unless he pushes it.

This ^
it wasn’t a joke even remotely. It wasn’t hormones on your side - you were hurt by FIL’s nasty behaviour.
He showed what he thinks about you. So I would think carefully about the situation and what would be best for you. Maybe taking their money for the renovation is not best for you.

I would have said “our payroll? I think you mean DH’s payroll. Know your place bitch”

Honestly if my Dad spoke to my wife like that about my business, which employed him, I'd be telling him it was time he retired.

Indeed.

"At least our household has at least one person capable of sourcing employment a job without begging their son for a handout"

@Livelovelaughfuckoffknow your place bitch 😂😂😂 This made me laugh thank you

@Spoollhe doesn’t take any money from the business so technically he’s not an employee, he’s already retired & just does admin including payroll lol to help my husband out

Is that concern? He thinks you'll take on the part time admin he's been doing?

Absolutely no excuse for speaking to you like that and DH needs to deal with that, but maybe also needs to soothe his staff member's concerns unless he decides this is grounds for dismissal

Don't blame your crying on your hormones OP. He was horrible.

My dad called me a bitch 3 years ago. I haven't seen him since because instead of apologising when I asked him to, he told me what a terrible daughter I am. Now I've come to terms with it it's a relief to be honest.

Not acceptable.