To ask how you get past people who have treated you badly?

[WryJadeWren]

I don’t mean in the sense of sitting around dwelling on them constantly, or wanting revenge, or waiting for an apology. I mean when something from years ago suddenly resurfaces and, for whatever reason, certain people or a particular period of your life are back in your head again.

I had a really horrible experience with people in a previous workplace. I received a significant settlement and left a couple of years ago and moved on with my life, but every now and then something seems to trigger memories of that time and I find myself thinking about people I genuinely do not want to think about.

That’s the bit I struggle with. These are people I don’t speak to, don’t look up and have no desire to have anything to do with ever again. They treated me badly and, as far as I’m concerned, they don’t deserve a space in my life now, even mentally.

Obviously I know you can’t literally erase memories or control every thought that comes into your head. But how do you get to the point where something can resurface without it dragging you back emotionally or making you start thinking about the people involved again?

Has anyone found a way of genuinely putting people like this in the past, even when the memories occasionally come back?

It's hard isnt it?
Usually with therapy, and distraction techniques when it comes up. You can't let them drag you down.

These are people I don’t speak to, don’t look up and have no desire to have anything to do with ever again. They treated me badly and, as far as I’m concerned, they don’t deserve a space in my life now, even mentally.

I’m sorry to hear you went through this - I’ve been in some dreadful workplaces myself.

I think you’re actually halfway there with the bit of your post I’ve quoted above - These people mucked up your life enough back then so don’t let them now; Have you tried actually saying something to yourself like “I’m not going to let them get to me anymore”?

You can move on cognitively eg you understand the situation and don’t dwell on it but you may need to still deal with the emotional impact, because that’s what’s getting triggered. There’s some useful writing about emotional flashbacks, generally referring to trauma but useful in situations that keep popping up again. Therapy can help but there are self help methods, like journaling, that help you process the impact on you. James Pennebaker has an excellent book about journaling exercises for emotional processing which are very effective for that lingering emotional response.

@Jellycatspyjamas I journal a lot when I find thoughts overwhelming me. Thanks for the recommendation - I've just googled him and I actually do that technique. I think allowing yourself 15 to 20 minutes to get it out, then that's it for the day. They are no longer living rent free in your head.
Depending on the severity of the situation, I also try to learn from it. Some people in my past treated me badly because I let them, so I reflect on what I could do differently next time ( this doesn't apply to all situations obviously - I've had a very close relative ghost me for no apparent reason. They also ghosted lots of others, so I'm not alone there - that is, I wasn't at fault).

@WryJadeWren I've been treated badly in a workplace too. Pushed out of teaching after nearly 3 decades.
I try to look at the positives of being 'pushed out' - I too received a settlement, I was able to travel, spend quality time with family, etc. And I'm much happier in my new job.
It's hard though - especially when it's raw.

Counter-intuitive but Buddhism and people like Eckhart Tolle would say don't resist the thought, it only makes it stronger. Imagine you're on a riverbank and the the thought is going by. Tolle is witty on how you don't have to go chasing after it like his dog chases after a scent! Lots of Tolle clips on YouTube. I sympathise because I've had shitty colleagues. I do a mixture of things. Sometimes "There's those thoughts again, they're understandable, but they'll pass, they're part of a river flowing by", sometimes active distraction. Remember that happiness is the best revenge. Wishing you all the best.

I have reached the stage where, if The Shitty People come into my head, I can happily say “You’ve come into my head today so that I can tell you to fck off. Go. Off you fck. Fck the FCK OFF!” Makes me feel better every time.

It’s such a good way of processing stuff. He takes that further though, he recommends writing for 15 minutes a day every day for 5 days, stream of consciousness style. At the end of 5 days you read what you’ve written, look at whether what you’ve written has been the same each day, if different aspects of the situation seem consistently there (so maybe something to work on), whether your feelings seem different each day etc. it’s a good way of using writing to actually move forward and avoid rehashing the same stuff each time.

He has other exercises too like writing as if you were telling the story to different people (your partner, a friend, your doctor) to think of the different perspectives etc. I bloody love his work.

@Jellycatspyjamas I'm definitely going to do that in depth approach, the writing.
I love the idea of writing a letter. People often advise that on here - write a letter to your ex (for example) then burn it !