AIBU to feel hurt after not being listed as my mums closest living relative?

[Franv]

This is a long post, I apologise. Don’t even know of this is the right place to post it? Anyway I have a very strained relationship with my mum who is now 85. I have no siblings, no cousins, and my dad died 17 years ago. I live about 150 miles away.
My mum can be very manipulative. She fakes illnesses both mental and physical; she pitches people against eachother, is a master at gaslighting, she’s stolen money from me, she’s lied about me, she’s destroyed my possessions, over the years has driven lots of people away from her, including me. I hung in there as long as I could before establishing some boundaries. That didn’t go down well. Upshot is I ended up going no contact for a couple of years 12 years ago. After that we texted, and called until she’d do something awful and I’d have a short break again just to recalibrate and then try again. Nevertheless, whatever’s happened between us I’ve always sorted out things for her- getting in handymen to fix stuff in the house for her, getting her benefits sorted, etc etc. Still, 18 months ago, she did something truly horrendous. I called her on it and we haven’t spoken since. Eventually I sent an email to try to get her to understand that she can’t keep doing these awful things, that I would always be there for her, but I don’t deserve this sort of abuse. But she never replied.
Anyway last week I was abroad when I got a text from my uncle, her brother. He's now 83 and lives in Wales, about 300 miles from her so he doesn’t see her regularly. He told me she’d just had a stroke and the hotel had called the hospital who had called him because he’s down as her ‘only living relative’. Only living relative? Hotel?
It turns out her house flooded 5 months ago, he’s been dealing with the insurers but hasn’t made much headway and the place is still standing in flood water. He also told me she’d made him her next of kin when he was the executor to her will about 5 years ago. We were actually in a good place then, talking regularly, getting on well.
So triple whammy- your mum’s had a stroke, she has no home to go back to anytime soon, and I’m not in existence.
Anyway, I called the hospital and they didn’t know she had a daughter. But they did let me speak to her and she was muddled and distressed but happy I was there and that was good.
I do care about her, I want to help her, I always have. But it was a real kick in the teeth to find out that I’m not even listed as an emergency contact, let alone next of kin. It was like she’d erased me, back when we were actually talking and getting on well. I could have dealt with the insurance companies, the builders etc and sorted the house out for her as soon as the flood happened! She needn’t have been in a hotel for that long. Now, unless my uncle makes arrangements with the insurance company for me to take over from him, I can’t even do anything to speed along the process. I can’t make arrangements for her care.
Anyway, sorry again fkr the long post but I wanted to get some perspective and possibly advice?
cheers!

Probably not what you want to hear, but if I were in this situation I'd walk away. You're not being treated with any respect at all. Your entire existence has been denied. That would be a red line for me. Your mother punishes you every opportunity she gets. Protect yourself, show yourself some self worth and leave her to her poison. I imagine there will be some more punishment in the will, so why put yourself through it?

Daughter Detox by Peg Streep navigates the journey adult women have to travel when they have toxic mothers. Kindly, your mother is toxic, she is there in the pages of this book. You've put boundaries in place previously, it might be worth reading this book to get some perspective on where you're at and how to move forward.

I didn't vote because I wasn't sure which bit you were asking was unreasonable. I would say you are being unreasonable to yourself to want to try and help her. If it comes at such cost, and it looks like it does, why would you put her needs and emotional wellbeing over your own?

I was wondering if I was being unreasonable for being hurt that I’m not listed as a living relative. Thanks for your reply; I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years, and I don’t feel any sense of guilt or shame. I’m much happier and healthier for not seeing her and rarely speaking to her and I definitely don’t want that to change. It’s less a sense of personal responsibility as in ‘she’s my mother’ and more of an ‘this elderly guy needs help coping with another elderly cantankerous woman, and I can offer that help’ thing. Still, in situations like this with someone this toxic, theres always something they do that takes the wind out of you…..

You can of course still provide help and support to your mum if that’s what you want to do. I guess your relationship with her causes you both pain and that sounds very sad.

You’re not unreasonable to be hurt but this sounds like standard behaviour from your mum and another way that she could hurt you. Sending hugs.

Exactly this. YDNBU to be hurt, OP, but you’re probably a bit unreasonable to be quite so surprised by this stunt, as it sounds like your mother is vindictive, toxic and has lifelong form for doing stuff exactly like this.

You’re doing very well if you feel you’re in a good enough place mentally to still offer her support, albeit with boundaries, but in this scenario nobody would blame you for walking away and leaving her to live out her days in a lonely stew of her own spite and bitterness.

People like this are unfathomable, spending their one precious life spreading misery and pain to everyone around them, and leaving a legacy of nothing but unresolved conflict and the memories of their hurtful words and actions.

DH’s mum died recently. She was very much like this, and although he and his brother never cut her out entirely - mainly through guilt and obligation - contact with her was about as minimal as it could get. Not one person shed a tear when she died, and both her children refused to do a eulogy as they could find so little good to say. It was a sad end to a small, self absorbed and destructive life.

Hope you’re ok 💐

Thanks all. Im not surprised by the stunt exactly…. It was just mad finding out that a. She’d had a stroke, b. The house was flooded c. She’d been in a hotel for 5 months and d. The hospital didn’t know who I was. Plus I was in Slovenia.
So it was a shock rather than a surprise. But the shock’s worn off now, just that last little bit of ‘am I the bad guy?’ feeling you get when you’ve been relentlessly gaslit your whole life. It’ll pass.

I don’t mean to offend but perhaps your mum’s actions could be interpreted differently. I get that not being listed as a relative or being contacted when she desperately needed help must sting but perhaps in sadness and despair, she feels she has effectively lost you as a daughter.

Ignorant speculation of course, but we all have emotional triggers and blind spots, sometimes the closer you are to something the harder it is to see clearly. We look for explanations that affirm our beliefs rather than face uncomfortable truths.

My advice is to take a step back and decide a course of action that you will be comfortable with in the years ahead.

Your mother sounds like mine. People do not understand the pain it causes both being noo contact or still in contact.

The relationship broke down and you were non contact with her. In those circumstances it makes sense that you are not listed as nok. Im not sure that having a flooded house, living in a hotel and having a stroke is a stunt, that's her life.
End of the day you chose out and got out and that's fine. Her continuing her life without you is fine. No need to be sucked back in now but if you are, that's on you not her.

I completely understand you feeling guilty but there's no need to be. Your mother sounds truly awful. You could chose to help or not. Make that decision yourself don't allow her to manipulate you. Take some time to think about it.

I think you're over thinking it. She may have just made him NoK whilst he was dealing with her will 5 years ago and then she forgot to change it to you.

Have you actually talked to her about whether she wants you as her NoK now?

So OP should erase her mum because she's not NoK? That's crazy.