AIBU to think it’s rude to ask no questions?

[PestoPastaLife]

We just got back from visiting an older relative - older, but not “elderly” ie still working, active social life, fully compos mentis etc, but I mention older in case it’s a generational thing. Anyway, in the course of three hours he asked only one question “how are you?” and otherwise I had to make all the effort to sustain the conversation.

It made me think about a few other times over the years when I’ve met someone who has asked me no questions and I end up wondering why the conversation feels like an interview and/or why they find me so incredibly dull they can’t be bothered to ask anything!

Now I’m wondering whether some people regard asking questions as rude in principle? But in that case, does a conversation just become two people making polite statements about themselves (which I ended up doing a few times today)?

YANBU: good conversation involves two people asking each other questions
YABU: silence is golden, stop interrogating people

The thing about H and M would be a non-conversation starter with me.

… and that’s fine you could say “ooh I had missed that - I was watching a fascinating documentary about [My Favourite Topic] in the other side- you didn’t happen to catch it too?”

I agree very much with PM

Fair enough CaptainMyCaptain 😀

Respectfully though, speaking generally and not directing this comment at you in particular CaptanmyCaptain, whether you are interested in H&M, or loathe them, or think they are an inane topic of conversation, is completely beside the point if you recognise a conversation starter for what it is.

It’s not personal. It’s not intended to be intrusive. It doesn’t carry any great weight or meaning. It’s literally a device to get the conversation ball rolling in a setting where you have been thrown together with strangers at a social event. Aka politeness for the sake of your host who wants to see everyone getting on and having a good time.

It’s merely a way of two strangers indicating to one another than they are polite, friendly and open to showing interest in another human being for the duration of their time together. That is all.

Some posters are making far too big a deal out of it and taking it far too personally.

Jeez no wonder younger generations are afraid to chat to strangers in case they “offend”! When did everyone get so touchy?

I’m terrible at asking questions. It’s a fear of being thought nosy or inappropriate.

I don’t drivel on about myself either though - I’m quite good at reading people and often use humour. People do seek me out to sit next to me at work conferences and social events, even though I’m quite a loner, so I must be doing something right (maybe they’re sick of the questions too!)

I don't like answering questions.
If I am I usually repond with "No comment."

Now that is rude! So how do you have conversations, or you prefer to sit in companionable/oppressive silence.

Not necessarily rude, could be socially inept like me. Don’t be so judgemental as it’s no fun to be unable to socialise like a normal human being

But if one knows that they are socially inept (unskilled) isn’t that a signal to practice those skills.

As an example what are the topics where you would feel at home? Are you able to read whether the other person is bored? Is the intention to cut the other person off dead? We all started out incompetent, and it is through practice that we have become good conversationalists.

Do you honestly think everyone can learn every single skill as long as they just practise enough?

Ha! I don’t think that would be what I'd say but, it's OK, I am quite capable of having a normal conversation.

FWIW I am in no way part of the younger generation!

I could have posted this having just spent the weekend with DP’s parents. We don’t see them often sure to distance but I honestly don’t think DP’s Dad has ever asked me a single question about myself. He’s happy to tell
me all about his various health issues though!

I know not everyone likes small talk - I don’t really - but have people like this never learned basic manners?

I do expect people to share information without a direct question as part of a spontaneous conversation. If I am asked where I went on holiday and I say Valencia, I don't have to then say 'and where did you go?' it's more spontaneous if the other person says 'oh i've never been there, i worry Spain would be too hot in july' then the other person says 'actually it wasn't too bad this year because we had a pool to ourselves' or something random and then the conversation just flows back and forward.... it doesn't always have to be Q and A format like an episode of 'first dates'.

I have a PD though so haven’t been able to improve despite 40 years of trying

Exactly

But if one knows that they are socially inept (unskilled) isn’t that a signal to practice those skills

Sadly, that doesn't usually help at all. Just puts the pressure on and can make things worse.

But this whole back and forth relies on one person asking the question “where did you go on holiday?”

If Person A never asks any questions, they are leaving the work of moving the conversation forward entirely up to Person B. I think it’s reasonable for Person B to find that hard work and think Person A is rude/lazy/socially inept/doesn’t want to interact.

At least you have moved on from automatically assuming they are rude

Think it’s a possibly a class issue. Was listening to a book written by a senior journalist who married a drug addict / dealer. She was literary upper middle class he….was not.

She found their friends clashed over this issue. In his world asking questions was not done and seen as intrusive / nosy. In hers it was the basis of polite conversation and a way of showing interest in the other person. When she did what she did usually did socially a friend of her dhs asked him afterwards if she was actually an undercover cop asking so many questions.

I remember someone put a post on here about this. She (and her family) had hosted another family for a few days and made lots of effort to ask them questions and show an interest in their lives. But the houseguests asked no questions back. Sometimes, in sheer desperation, they would volunteer something and would be met with blank stares until they stopped talking. They were totally exhausted (and quite fed up).

What if the person you are asking hasn't been on holiday? Why would you assume they had?

I think sometimes it’s a male female thing too. I remember at university accompanying my friend on an evening to the pub with his mates. It was all “ banter”. Non stop word play, taking the piss out of each other, competitive bragging. The men had a great time I hardly said a word as I don’t talk like that and found it both exhausting and boring. My husband knows hardly anything about male friends and colleagues. They don’t ask each other personal questions as they don’t care about the answers.
I think if I’d asked a few questions and they hadn’t been forthcoming I would chat generally about day to day stuff, leaving long gaps. Some people need more gaps to know they aren’t interrupting and think about what they are going to say than others.

Definitely a male thing - although I do know a few men who aren't like this. I think a lot of men just aren't socialised to actively take an interest in other people the way most women are (not that all women do so). And in marriages and relationships, the woman often ends up carrying the load for both people. Heavy lifting is definitely the term I'd use for when this happens. You might argue both approaches are equal but different but men's friendships aren't as strong and they struggle more with adversity in some ways. They cope with divorce less well etc, have higher suicide rates. Women married to men report far lower levels of satisfaction than men married to women etc.I wouldn't say I've noticed it's a class thing so much in my own personal experience.

Just in case you are asking this question genuinely and not as a wind-up…

‘Where did you go on holiday?’ is an example of a type of basic conversational question.

You might ask that particular question if someone says, for example, ‘sorry I’m late, I’m so jet lagged after my holiday!’

You’d ask a different question if the context was different.

It’s always an option to ask an open-ended question like, ‘have you been up to anything interesting this summer?’ Or ‘what’s new with you?’

Or you might remember something you already knew about a person, and ask about that, e.g. ‘are you performing much with your jazz quartet this wedding season?’ ‘How’s your allotment been holding up in this heat?’ ‘Is your auntie Mabel still breaking hearts in the retirement home?’ ‘How’s your stamp collection shaping up these days?’

If you can’t think why you might want to ask anybody these sorts of questions, or if you’d be bored rigid by the answers, or if it pains you to be expected to know anything about the lives of people in your social circle, then chances are you are not particularly socially motivated.

This means people probably find you rude or hard work, not just because you don’t know how to have a conversation, but because you are genuinely not interested in other people, you don’t want to hear about them, you find their experiences boring, and by not asking any questions you are communicating to them that you have zero interest in them whatsoever. This doesn’t feel nice to be on the receiving end of.

Most people are at least a bit interested in the lives and experiences of people they care about. They’re not just going through a script of asking specific questions and pretending to listen to the answers.

I don't know why you think I need lessons in conversation. I am the sort of person who chats to people at bus stops (Northerner here) without interrogating them. Obviously if they bring a subject up its OK to ask for further information and open ended questions, as you suggest, make for better conversation. When I'm with friends conversation flows without any formal structure. If talking to a complete stranger it's best to start with the here and now and, maybe, expand from there. It's also fine to just be quiet sometimes. I can't stand inane prattle just to fill the time.