AIBU to think it’s rude to ask no questions?

[PestoPastaLife]

We just got back from visiting an older relative - older, but not “elderly” ie still working, active social life, fully compos mentis etc, but I mention older in case it’s a generational thing. Anyway, in the course of three hours he asked only one question “how are you?” and otherwise I had to make all the effort to sustain the conversation.

It made me think about a few other times over the years when I’ve met someone who has asked me no questions and I end up wondering why the conversation feels like an interview and/or why they find me so incredibly dull they can’t be bothered to ask anything!

Now I’m wondering whether some people regard asking questions as rude in principle? But in that case, does a conversation just become two people making polite statements about themselves (which I ended up doing a few times today)?

YANBU: good conversation involves two people asking each other questions
YABU: silence is golden, stop interrogating people

I have a few people in my life that unfortunately do this. Me and my husband often play games to count the number of questions we get asked about ourselves in general catch up conversations. I always ask questions about them, work, family, plans and yet there is never the polite bounce back of how about you… it is a very strange dynamic, and very rude.

I think some people lack self awareness. They are so fixated on themselves and their own lives that they don’t ask questions because they are just not interested in other people. They do however expect people to listen to their self involved monologues. I also think they lack curiosity.

For those who think it’s rude to ask questions, would you consider it rude if a friend asked you if you’d been away over the summer / found the heat difficult / have plans for the weekend? If it’s a stranger at a bus stop yes possibly too much but a friend or colleague? It’s weird because I find it rude if people don’t ask questions or don’t stop for breath to let someone else talk.

I’m rubbish at asking questions. I’m autistic and really struggle with social skills and small talk in general. If someone asks me something I’ll answer and will often add “what about you?” at the end but otherwise I’ll just comment on something in the room or talk to their animals and hope that sparks their interest 😂

Oh god the self absorbed non questioners are the absolute worst. Best thing you can do for your children is to teach them social skills.

Orherwise it’s me me me me me. Awful.

The first thing I thought of as I read this post 🤣

Brilliant episode (in fact I love all of them but I digress!). First thing I thought of when I read the title!

It's more of a man thing - I dated extensively and the vast majority had no idea what a balanced conversation was meaning you had to lead them through the interaction like a child who's too young to understand. It was exhausting - they always said they had a great time and wanted further dates but I tended not to, funnily enough. I'm not super interested in everyone in every situation and don't go around striking up conversations with strangers, but surely on a date you're there to make the effort to get to know the other person (or start that process off). I have met women like this too but there are definitely fewer of them and to be fair, I wasn't dating any of them so there's no real obligation to show an interest. It is nice when someone makes the effort though.

You don't need to ask questions in order to have a conversation.

For example, I could say - "I was reading in the news today about xyz etc" and you could respond "yes, I saw that too. I thought abc about it" and I could say "that's interesting - I thought differently etc etc".
Or
"I went to see xyz last week. They're getting on very well which was nice as they've had such a hard time recently" and you could say "oh I know - but I heard abc was in a bit of trouble etc."

Two conversations (parts of) and no questions asked, the discussion just naturally flows and meanders.

I tend to ask questions, but try not to pry too much at the same time, usually following up on information the person last told me.
I think you kind of get an idea on how much the other person feels comfortable sharing, and match each other's energy naturally. I definately prefer to ask them than be asked for some reason, might be because I'm rubbish at thinking on the spot! I do make an effort to share about myself too when asked though. I know somebody who will ask too many questions but give very surface level answers back, and I find with that it is a struggle to form a deeper connection.

Conversation is a skill and not everyone has it. But yes, being a good conversationalist involves asking questions and follow up questions. I don’t know that it’s completely rude to not ask questions, some people just have no instinct for conversation. It’s only rude if they ask no questions while talking about themselves non stop.

I met a friend like this earlier this week. When I said something to start a conversation she wouldn’t ask me any questions at all but would immediately tell me something she had been doing. It was really annoying as the conversation was stilted and it felt as if she wasn’t listening at all or was trying to compete with whatever I said. I was doing the asking but stopped after a while to see if she noticed and she didn’t. It’s not the first time so I don’t see her very often because of it.

I agree to some degree but questions can help to draw people out or dig deeper into a subject. If someone isn’t responding to your conversational prompt or asking any questions then it is hard work.

I don't think it's fair to call it rude as some people just don't possess the skill to have a conversation. They are poor communicators through no fault of their own. Maybe they had little chat at home or lack education or sometimes are on the autistic spectrum. Expecting them to ask questions etc is like expecting a lame man to run; he can't. I think if we look at it in a compassionate way it is totally different .

I find it so odd that people think it’s rude to ask questions.

There’s a lot of middle ground between showing zero interest in the person you’re talking at, and hounding them with invasive questions about sensitive personal topics.

I believe it’s called holding the conversational ball, each party is supposed to do their bit i.e. hold the ball. So YANBU to find it rude.

I have a couple of colleagues like this. Most conversation with others is give and take but with these two, if I don’t ask them questions, they would sit in silence all day and then be bewildered about why I ignored them all day. In their case they don’t mean to be rude though, it’s just they don’t seem to get the concept of naking an effort.

I had a friend who never asked me anything,or actually let me speak.
It was more or less a constant monologue about every detail of her and her families lives.
Only time I spoke was when she paused to take a breath,but whatever subject I mentioned was dismissed with hardly a word and back to the fascinating subject of herself.
I came away feeling so resentful that Id wasted time and money to sit like a child being lectured by an adult that I stopped it completely.
What a relief it was,I had actually been dreading those meet ups.
Self absorbed people are so selfish and utterly boring.

I hate people asking me questions so I avoid it as much as possible.

I think it’s an age thing. My parents {are boring tbh} but they have lost ability to converse.

if I needed directions to a random place though inc the name of the shop on the corner where the left turn in Leicester might be they can do that.

i think it’s to do with long term / short term memory - mine can recount in minute detail something that happened 10 years ago - but can’t remember or are not interested in ‘new’ things.

frustrating and not that much fun to be around though.

What was the purpose of the visit? Did he want a visitor for 3 hours? I suspect I would have left earlier. I think if you don’t know someone conversation is easier if doing something like walking somewhere so you can talk about stuff on the walk and not just ask lots of personal questions that some people dislike

It’s definitely not an age thing. I think more men are like this than women.

I know a few people who do this for varied reasons - think it’s rude, don’t want to pry, lack basic comm skills, rude, narc, MH issues, in pain, emotional capacity, the list really goes on. For me - it’s the I don’t want to pry ones, I know of one who literally asks nothing and it does across that he doesn’t care.

It drives me batty. When someone makes no effort to carry their end of the conversation. Usually wonder why they have no friends…

A conversation is a discussion, not an interrogation.

I thought that your complaint is that the relative didn’t ask anything about you, which you interpret as a lack of interest in you. Are you in fact saying that the relative didn’t want to talk about anything at all?

Exactly this. I am always baffled when these threads pop up at how limited people's communication skills are if they can't possibly comprehend having a conversation without questions.

This is more my understanding of conversation, questions and answers not so much.