AIBU to think it’s rude to ask no questions?

[PestoPastaLife]

We just got back from visiting an older relative - older, but not “elderly” ie still working, active social life, fully compos mentis etc, but I mention older in case it’s a generational thing. Anyway, in the course of three hours he asked only one question “how are you?” and otherwise I had to make all the effort to sustain the conversation.

It made me think about a few other times over the years when I’ve met someone who has asked me no questions and I end up wondering why the conversation feels like an interview and/or why they find me so incredibly dull they can’t be bothered to ask anything!

Now I’m wondering whether some people regard asking questions as rude in principle? But in that case, does a conversation just become two people making polite statements about themselves (which I ended up doing a few times today)?

YANBU: good conversation involves two people asking each other questions
YABU: silence is golden, stop interrogating people

DH and I do this too. We reckon about 85% of people never ask questions just talk and talk about themselves. I often feel like I am in an audience for a show rather than a conversation.

There are so many different types of questions that it doesn't make sense to me to say "I hate being asked questions". Questions are necessary in polite conversations as long as they are appropriate, polite and not too personal. People who don't ask questions are boring to have conversations with - they either drone on endlessly or leave the task of keeping the conversation flowing to the other person.

So I have noted some people don’t like asking personal questions, nor do they want to volunteer any personal information or be asked about it. So you pick generic news or other topical issues , places you have been on holiday etc……

I can be like this. I have to make a conscious effort to ask questions but I really don’t care about others people’s lives. I do it because you are supposed to

Just to add that I never ramble on about mine. I’ll answer any questions I’m asked but never offer information

Same here. I hate it and feel asking persinal questions is intrusive. If the other person raises a topic it's fine to ask for further information but not straight out questioning, that's just nosey . I'm over 70 if that's relevant.

I think a person who just talks about themselves is a different issue. It's perfectly possible to have a balanced conversation without an interrogation.

My dad is like this. Yes it’s rude.

Chat often involves both parties asking catch-up questions about life, summer holidays etc and also generic chat like the news etc.

I’m autistic and I find most people don’t know how to have a conversation. Yet, I’m classed as the one that should struggle. What is it with people just talking at you like an unpaid therapist? Apparently, asking too many questions is rude, and demonstrating that you are listening with relatable stories is wrong. 🤣 So I’ve come to the conclusion that people just want to talk at you.

YANBU Op. The worst is when people are guests and turn up, happily eat all of the food, drink their wine, but then do nothing to “earn their dinner” as it used to be called.

There used to be an unspoken agreement that if you were invited somewhere you at least made a bit of an effort to show interest in other guests and be pleasant company, but so many people seem to be incapable of basic social interaction nowadays or don’t feel under any obligation other than to just show up, hold forth and consume.

And of course it is fairly easy to show interest in others without being intrusive.

I attended.a wedding on Saturday and I think I used pretty much all of the following:

How do you know the host?

Did you come far today?

Would you like me to pass you something?

Are you staying overnight in the area?

The choir were incredible weren’t they?

Would you like some water?

It’s not rocket science.

Saw my dad a few months ago. He’d supposedly come over to see his grandkids. Spend the entire 2hrs telling me a long tale about each and every car he’d recently been to see or test drive. Didn’t ask how we were, didn’t ask the kids anything either. It was boring and draining. Attempts to change the conversation didn’t work 😣.

I interpret these kinds of “openers” as a demand to be entertained. To me it reads as, here’s your opening please entertain me with an anecdote. I hate these kinds of questions and dislike feeling obliged to do the heavy lifting.

Wow. Your interpretation is quite unusual I think?

I’d like to know how an offer to pass food down the table or to fill up your glass comes across as a wish to be entertained? Sorry that’s very strange.

Why do you assume someone is asking you to do the “heavy lifting” and that the responsibility is not equally shared?

How do you start a conversation? Or do you sit in silence?

I’m in my late 40s and I think a lot of the issues reading these posts is that in the past people were more relaxed about everything in comparison to now, people just said more what came out their mouths where as now young people are super mindful about every interaction. I have younger mum friends and they admit they dread baby groups etc as they are worried they’ll say the wrong thing, our fb feeds are peppered with posts warning us how selfish it is ever to deflect the conversation to ourselves etc. I work in healthcare and have noticed how most young people are far more uptight in their communication than they were years ago, where as if I have someone’s older relative accompany them they’ll be chatting ten to the dozen with me about their experiences etc. Those who were traditionally quite middle
class I think were always a bit more
mindful in their communication and I notice the older relatives in those families tend to not chat as much and only ask very considered questions

You used several very common questions as an example of how you feel it’s polite to interact. I’m sorry if I offended you in some way by saying I don’t enjoy the “how far have you traveled?”, “How do you know the family?”, type openers. What you are actually doing is throwing out a stock question that the person you are talking to is then expected to respond to, to get the conversation going. It requires very little effort from the questioner and rather more from the responder.
I don’t think it’s at all unusual to find it a bit tedious. It sounds like you feel confident socially. I feel the same way. It’s fine for us to enjoy or dislike different ways of communicating.

I agree with you @Ohthatsabitshit .

I have a long term friend who, I have realised, never asks questions. I get in her car after two weeks away in an exotic location and she will start to talk about her grand children. I think she has got worse over the years and now. . If I don’t instigate conversation, she will often just sit in silence. It can be very wearing.

I don’t understand the inability to have a conversation without constant questions. Surely it usually goes something like “did you watch Sewing Bee last night”, “I did, I thought the right person went out but I loved the fabric they used for the dress”, “yes, it was really nice, I had a skirt in that sort of fabric, I might still have it”, “that would look really nice on you, I’m trying to make a new top but my sewing skills aren’t quite there”, “I’m hopeless with a sewing machine, much better at knitting…” etc etc.

Its really not hard to keep a conversation going, you decide what you want to talk about, share your own perspective, listen to someone else’s experiences, mention something you’ve done or read and do it goes. I really don’t see the attraction of being bombarded with questions in a social setting.

It depends what the questions are really. I don't like to feel I've been interrogated and my adult children have complained at times that I ask them too many questions ! So it's hard to win really

There are some people in my family like this and it is so exhausting. They’re not just the older generation but in the same family side so tbh I think it’s learned behaviour. And it is so rude.

But the conversation then has to go somewhere, most of those questions won’t lead to a conversation beyond “yes the choir was great” and then you’re on to the next question. It’s a pretty socially awkward way of keeping talking - rather than a free flowing conversation where people comment, share and connect.

I was brought up thinking it was rude to ask questions and that if people want you to know they will tell you. It was tough learning as an adult to ask questions and to learn that invisible line of where questions become too personal which varies from person to person.

This is the wrong forum to ask this question because mumsnet is full of people who dislike other people, won't answer the door or the phone, don't want to be friendly with their work colleagues and are basically quite socially awkward and misanthropic.

They usually claim to be introverts, but introverts generally like other people and enjoy their company. They just need to spend more time alone to recharge.

@PestoPastaLife If the person you have visited isn't interested in other people or chatting I would just cut the visit short as they clearly want to be on their own.

You’re talking about small talk here, rather than conversation with well known family member, but nevertheless…

Of course it’s tedious, nobody enjoys that bit right at the beginning of meeting someone new why you’re trying to establish common ground. I wonder what you use as an opening question with someone you’ve just been introduced to if “how do you know X?” feels wrong to you? If you have a brilliant suggestion do share!

Thisssss

Me too. I hate those kinds of generic/stock questions. I’d rather be asked something much more interesting.