For feeling out of my depths with raising my children as a single mother

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

I’m a single mother with 1 DD and 1 DS.
I have no idea what I’m doing. I never will know if I’m doing it right until they grow up.
my DD I have more of a clue with how to teach how to be a woman and love her and of course I know how to love my DS, but I have no idea on “how to be a man” which boys DO need. His dad is not in the picture and will not be in the near future.
I do feel like I am “winging it” daily. I can love my children easily and naturally and show it, too. But being a parent is more than that.
i have no confidence with discipline with my children, but I do it when I feel fit. Nothing too harsh, but I tell them off when “needed”, confiscate items if they do not listen, send them to their room etc. I do not want any advice on my parenting skills when it comes to discipline, as no one agrees on one size fits all.
I am thinking more… advice on… well anything really.
My DS would be more helpful. I have heard I cannot be “soft” with him as he needs to be strong which I agree with but I’ll never stop showing my kids emotions, love and safety.

Being a single mother is incredibly tough at times.

Does your DS have any alternative male role models? I think that's important for boys.

You're being unreasonable to think you need to toughen your child up based on their sex. They both need affection and teaching how to deal with emotions and treat other people with respect. How old are your kids?

I’m sooo glad you know DS needs a male role model. Do you have anyone would you could have “step in” when needed? A uncle maybe? If I was you, I’d see who I could talk to and explain that going forward you need someone to keep DS in check to keep him on the straight and narrow. Boys need someone to look up to who they respect. I try with my son In all areas but I’m not a guy and don’t have an understanding of how they feel and think.

Where did I say I believe I need to toughen him up? You must mean the sentence I said other people have said that to me.

I think it’s a bit odd and off the way you talk about what your children need based on their gender. Children should be raised the same, they need love care and patience. None of this tosh about being harsher on boys

Im a single mum. Have been for going on 7 years. My DS is in his early teens. Sweet natured, kind, empathetic. I am proud of his soft side. It comes from an inner strength. Do not feel you have to be tough on him.

My daughter is younger, more insecure and far more challenging because of this. She does, however, talk to me and lean on me because she knows im safe.

Focus on building your children's confidence and self assurance and be a safe place for them. It is their greatest asset.

You will do fine. You care. You love them. You're their mum. That's all they need.

Being a single parent is so hard. But I'm a mum of 2 young men and I've never taught them "how to be a man." They did have other male role models as that's important.
They learnt to shave from YouTube. Other than that I've taught them to be polite, kind, to stand up for injustice. To think for themselves. To cross the road when walking behind a woman/group of women. To cook, clean, use the washing machine. How to put up shelves and fix things. How to sew on a button, or turn up a hem.
Basically all the things I'd teach a girl.

My ds never had a male role model and he is a decent, kind, sensible adult who respects women.

Yes I think the PP meant the sentence you said you agree with?

"I have heard I cannot be “soft” with him as he needs to be strong which I agree with"

They don't need to be 'stronger' than women, which I think is what the PP was pointing out.

No but boys DO require male role models. Do you have one of each? If you do not then you have no idea.

Make sure he has a sense of belonging. Whether that is church, sports, scouts. Somewhere he knows he matters and has responsibilities. You dont want him looking for that belonging in the wrong places.
Write down what your values are, what is important to you. Then what behaviour are associated with those values. Have a clear routines and expectations. Be consistent! If you are full of hot air at 5 they will know you are full of hot air at 15.

Have you looked at the services and support offered by Gingerbread for single parents?
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/our-work/support-for-single-parents/

They run events and groups which would help you connect with other solo parents who may be going through similar things

There are also private parenting coaches focused on helping solo parents such as
https://www.solascoaching.com/

Also: don't over think it.
Your children need love and security but also boundaries and discipline in order to become well functioning adults operating in society.
You'll get some things wrong. You'll get a lot of stuff right.

You don't need to do radically different parenting because one child is a girl and one is a boy. Be led by them as individuals, not by their sex.
Both boys and girls benefits from having good adult role models of both sexes - it's not just a boy thing. But these could be teachers, sport sports coaches etc. So don't over think it - as they grow up, facilitate their interests and encourage positive relationships with other adults.

I love this

Honestly, I think the fact that you’re worrying about doing right by your children already says a lot. Your son doesn’t need you to teach him how to “be a man” in some fixed way. He needs love, boundaries, good role models and a safe home where he can talk about his feelings. You don’t have to have all the answers.

is your son going to any groups that have other boys like beavers or something?

https://www.scouts.org.uk/

great advice.

You treat both your children exactly the same. Teach them to respect and be kind others, how to look out for themselves and others, that both are equal to one another, that both can do the same chores - no boy specific chores or girl specific chores. Encourage their interests whatever they are. No male specific careers, no girl specific careers - encourage them to aim for whatever they want. Explain and talk about the ‘facts of life’ to both. Let them know that they can always talk to you about anything. Chat with them all the time about all sorts and listen to their opinions so they know they can come to you with whatever issues they face.

I was in the same position but my dad helped as he was a great role model for my son and they still have a great relationship. My son went to cubs/scouts and both my son and daughter played rugby which helped with discipline and teamwork. I would point out positive behaviour of others (even in cartoons/films) to them from a young age and speak to them both about respect and responsibility. They knew what my expectations of them were - I went to work to earn money, their job was to try hard at school and we all were responsible for chores as we were a team. It was so difficult at times trying to be a good mum and dad on my own but I would just remind myself that everything was a phase and that it was easier than it had been when their dad was living with us (I also would have a good cry / chocolate when they were in bed on bad days as the responsibility felt all consuming). They are both lovely, respectful and responsible adults now but I do remember worrying that I would fail as a parent. I no doubt did / do lots wrong but I tried my best and that’s all you can do. Best of luck OP - it’s exhausting but worth it!

Teach your son (and daughter) to be a good person and treat people with respect. Bring them up to believe in themselves and work hard to overcome difficulties. Show him (and her) you will always have his back. Teach them both you three are a team and you are the captain.
yes, male friends and relatives are useful IF they are decent people. You don’t need them to show your son how to be the best he can. He needs to follow your lead and you shouldn’t defer to a man just because he’s a man.

its not relevant to have one of each to have an opinion on this.
I have two boys and a girl. Also no need to be so rude