To stop ex seeing DS at our house after drunken night?

[Nc266]

I have changed my username for obvious reasons.

My exH ended our marriage earlier this year, on the basis he had realised his is no longer straight and considered himself to be gay. This was completely out of the blue and has been the most challenging time of my life.

We have a DS together. Ex is currently living in a rented flat, but all his time with DS is usually at our house still (every other weekend is usual routine with some midweek time spent also) to keep things as simple as possible for DS. I am attempting to keep the house myself.

This weekend, DS had a pre-arranged sleepover on Saturday evening at a friends, but was to see my ex as usual in the day. My ex asked me if he could stay over in the spare room last night (as he does quite a bit on Saturday’s to maximise time with DS), so he could see him in the morning when he returned from sleepover. I had no issue with this.

Ex went out last night - there was a local Pride event. He didn’t get in until 3am (made a load of noise) having told me the event only ran until midnight. At 7am I was already awake and he knocked on my door to ask about a washing machine setting - he said he had an upset stomach and needed to wash the soiled bedding.

He then went back to bed (with no bedding on) and re-appeared an hour ago. He has now taken DS out for the afternoon whilst heavily hungover.

I think it’s now the time for me to look at the arrangement of him staying here and seeing DS here every other weekend. He still owns the house with me which will be his counter argument, but I don’t feel it’s good for anyone.

I suppose I am looking for a bit of a hand-hold and any suggestions people have. It’s extra difficult because my ex has had a lot of sympathy from family after coming out, all saying how difficult it must have been and how brave he is. But I can’t see past him tearing apart our family.

This is dofficukt because, as you say, the house is technically still his. Is he still oaying towards mortgage and bills? I would be aiming to move forward with the divorce as quixk.as possible and seek the advice of a solicitor. Him visiting your ds at your house is not ideal so yes, the sooner you can put a stop to that, the better.

He is still paying towards the Mortgage but only a minimal amount towards the bills compared to before he moved out.

The house situation makes it hard because, as you say, he can just come in anyway.

The only thing you can do is to sort out the split properly so he has no right to enter the home.

In the meantime have a sit down with the ex and explain your thoughts above.

If he is reasonable then he will understand, if not then at least you know where you stand and you can escalate the above.

How would you feel if you agreed to continue the current arrangement but with the agreement about conduct, eg. Time that he comes in, and that he can't come if he's been drinking? Hard to argue about that.

If he is hungover on little sleep I can't think he's in a great place for looking after a child.

I’m on the fence with the sympathy. Yes brave but selfish. Selfish in the fact he’s wasted many years of your life OP on something that wasn’t true. You have your DS from it, so that’s something.

Put a stop to him coming to your house. He now needs to live his life separately to you and begin incorporating your DS into his new life.

Him staying over is sending very mixed messages to your child who will be hoping that you’ll both get back together. So this hope is false too.

Fresh start for you all is what’s needed. He can soil his own sheets!

I think you should tell him he needs to see DS away from the house from now on.

I would be inclined to start divorce proceedings if you haven’t already done so.

He shouldn't have moved out, if he gets legal advice, expect him to move back in. Will you be buying him out?
You can stipulate where he parents once the divorce is over (i.e. not in your future house)

I think you should start separating contact. Don't necessarily link it to the drunk night/disgusting behaviour as he may get defensive and difficult but it's not normal or fair to have the ex come to the home they left for days on end - he has a home of his own, he needs to start having DS there.

ETA he shouldn't be paying your bills though if he's moved out and especially if he stops coming there for contact. Mortgage yes, until sale/transfer, but the bills are your responsibility.

Has he got form for getting drunk or was it the euphoria of going to a pride event? As he endedvyour marriage I think it best not to let him stay anymore.

If the house is jointly owned and he is paying towards the mortgage, then I don't think you have a leg to stand on preventing him from staying there, until you either buy him out or the house is sold. I would expedite the divorce and financial settlement as quickly as you can. Would it be possible for you to stay with family on the night he's there? How old is your son? Could he not spend the night with his dad at his flat?

He shat the bed after being at Pride... yeah, that wasn't a bad stomach. Gross.

You could tell him
you won’t leave your son in his care unsupervised if he is in a inebriated state and you’d also appreciate if he didn’t wake you up at 4am when he stays please. But otherwise it’s his house too and his right to be hungover when caring for son as long as son isn’t in danger at all, physical or emotional.

Sorry, you’ve lost me on that?!

I could stay with them but it wouldn’t be every weekend, and he is 5.

Exactly my thoughts 🤢 his jizzy guts erupted over his ex wife's bedding. Rancid man.

It’s hard but I think you need to be dispassionate about it. Is it safer and less damaging for Ds to see his dad at home or to go off to his flat? Because you can’t and shouldn’t stop contact in general. I would suggest the home visits continuing is best.

But I would 100% definitely ban any further sleepovers when Ds is not there and your ex is behaving like an irresponsible single man I’d also be moving towards ending sleepovers in general even if ex wouldn’t dream of going out or drinking to excess when Ds is home.

Jesus I'm no prude but that's turned my stomach. Must you??

You’ve let your ex, who hoodwinked you that he was straight, then declared he’s gay, stay over and he shit the bed?
You need to ask other peoples opinions as to whether to stop him staying over?

It's also his house legally - she does need advice as it's not as simple as you're implying

While he is contributing the mortgage and bills (albeit minimal as he currently isn’t there most of the time) and the house is in your joint names it will be difficult to tell him he can’t stay. I understand it’s upsetting but he currently has equal rights to be in the property as you do. If you try to push this he could get legal advice which confirms he could move back in full time pending the sale of the property, which you definitely don’t want.

I think the best way forward, assuming this behaviour is a one off and the situation sounds like a one off - DC sleep over and Pride weekend, is to continue with existing arrangements but have a conversation to set boundaries about behaviours / drinking when there. Is there anyway you can bring the house sale forward ?

Sorry op but he went out and had sex last night. Not a dodgy tummy.

But yes you need to put boundaries in.

I would speak to him about getting drunk, coming in late, soiling himself, bothering you for laundry advice at 7am on a Sunday morning and then languishing in bed with no sheets until noon. 🤦🏼‍♀️

If he's a reasonable guy, he's probably already clocked that none of the above was okay and hopefully you'll get a straightforward "won't happen again".

Otherwise, if he's going to make a habit of partying so hard his sphincter develops a mind of its own, he might agree to stay at his own place and call you in the morning to arrange to see DS ... after he's given himself a power wash.

Legally or not, while he’s shitting the bed I’d be telling him he’s not staying over anymore. If he wants to challenge it, maybe he’d like to tell his solicitor why he’s
no longer welcome…..

How grim.
And he didn't know how to work the washing machine in a house he'd lived in for years? Woke you up to ask about it, then slept all morning on the bed with no sheets - you must have been worried it would happen again onto an unprotected mattress.
It's perfectly OK to tell him access can no longer be at your house, you need privacy, it's not fair for him to behave like this. It must be so upsetting for you for him to be coming and going.He can see DS at his own flat, he'd probably be more responsible if he knows you're not there to pick up the slack. As it is, he knew you'd be on hand to look after DS in the event that he was in no fit state to do so.
It's probably better for everyone, especially DS, to have an agreed schedule. If Ex wants to party, he can do so on the weekends he's not looking after DS.

this is disgusting behaviour - no respect for you and your home . Very confusing for DS .

put a stop to it asap