AIBU to find my parents harder to manage as they age?

[newchaptermummy]

Am I being unreasonable to think parents become really hard work as they get older? I love my parents dearly and we are very close, but both are in their 60s and I can find them very awkward to navigate. For example, my parents have said a number of times during the school holiday that they don’t want to join in with days/meals out etc and that I should reach out to other family members who have children instead. They have cancelled on me and their other grandchildren. I have initiated a play date with this in mind and been offered a play date in return. For the play date I initiated mum was very supportive and happy, but since having said play date she has been very brief with me and shown zero interest in me as a person. She helped out with emergency childcare today and my daughter has come home telling me that ‘Nan’ has asked lots about what we have been up to etc. So, she is interested but just doesn’t want to hear about it from me? The other day I did reach out to my parents to check they were okay as they had been acting odd and they just brushed it off, yet it continues. Not sure I like the rock and hard place aesthetic I have been in these school holidays! There was a big family fall out at the start of the school holidays, but this was resolved in terms of my involvement and there has been no issues the last few weeks, so I am stumped at what is now causing the cold shoulder.

Another really helpful response - thank you! Perhaps it is just they are shifting with what they want in life and I need to do the same.

@intsjl26 Yes, I think it's harder for some parents to listen to/cope with problems/stresses as they age. DH and I are much further along in the process (parents in their 80's) and we absolutely can't share problems, it would stress them out far too much. It's gradually increased over the years.

I'm 51 and I might be like this in 15 years!!

I think there are stages in life where you try to adapt to the changes in family members' life phases, but risk getting it wrong if you don't communicate.

I made that mistake, but earlier than your parents. When I was about 50 and my kids became young adults, I recognised that they needed their independence, and that I needed to make my own life and give them that freedom. I didn't want to be a needy mum. That's certainly what I'd wanted from my own mum, to whom I wasn't close.

But I didn't communicate that to them. All they saw was me not being as available, not being as involved in their lives, and (in their eyes) prioritising my new friendship group.
Just as I'd failed in communicating, it was a long time before they opened up and communicated their hurt to me. Several years in fact.

It had never occurred to me that they actually wanted me around, and that our relationship wasn't like mine and my mum's. Despite my good intentions, I'd completely stuffed up. Thank goodness we're in a much better place now and enjoy each others company.

So, yes. You need to communicate with your parents. Don't waste years like we did.

They are trying to build a relationship with your daughter by asking her questions. I assure you they find the information about her playdate uninspiring but they try to build connection with her regardless. Not everything is about you. It sounds as though you are emotionally quite dependent on your parents which I am sure they are finding quite hard to "manage".

manage has more than one meaning! Think you’re getting criticised unfairly I read it as your feelings about the situation and what if anything your need to do about it are hard to manage!

maybe theyve got complex feelings about retirement/ growing older?

We are in our mid sixties . 2 adults kids in their 30 s . Tbh I'm finding them.much harder to manage as they age too !

Another in her 60’s
perhaps they objected to being reached out to. Try contacting them instead, or talking to them.
and lmao at needing to be managed in my 60’s as I am still managing people the age of the op at work.

What was the big falling out about at the beginning of the holidays? Could some resentment from that still linger? I would doubt that they are giving you the cold shoulder for arranging a play date. Maybe they're just busy and preoccupied with downsizing and planning their retirement?

It isn't what they want in life, it's a natural progression of age. They are doing the equivalent of chucking you out of the nest and then pecking at you, if you want something from them, that you are capable of finding for yourself. In past times, they'd be closer to death and we need our children to be independent and form a solid peer group. You're moving to an adult relationship with them. Your child still needs to be treated like a child, children need the attention of the adults around them, so that's what they are doing. I did have to remind two of my DD's, at around 28, that they were now proper adults.

Who said she wanted regular childminding or wanted them to be at the GP’s for the whole of the holidays?????

Your parents are allowed to not want to go on family days out.

@Superscientist You’ve just unlocked a memory - my mum in later years did get very indignant if you mentioned something she already had been told about but didn’t remember.
She would insist that I hadn’t told her whatever it was.
My memory is already shocking - I’d better prepare my kids for this scenario and will apologise in advance 🤣

@newchaptermummy you’re close to your parents - can you sit down with them and discuss this? Ask if there’s anything they need from you or in what way they’d like to be involved with their grandkids?
Or some other more delicate and tactful conversation but one that will let them know that you understand they might prefer some quieter interactions or fewer of them, or whatever it is. I think a loving relationship can encompass this conversation and be better for it afterwards. Good luck 💐

The pendantic kicking that OP's get on MN is SO tedious and distasteful.

So many have literacy, comprehension and nuance deficiencies.

We all 'manage' relationships with those around us, it is a common use of language 🙄.

Sorry OP that you got so many dud responses.

I think grandparenting is different for people.
Some are all in and it is their life.
Others are interested but on their terms.

As someone in my 60's with no grandchildren, I could see myself being the latter.

You have been given good advice.
I think you should give them space and let them get over their huff.
Don't chase them.
They have rebuffed you several times, so give them the space they crave.

I think you need to invest in your own age friendships and build up your network.

Then when things settle and they feel better you can tell them what your plans are and tell them they are welcome to join you if they like, but no pressure.

The smallie stage flys, so make sure you enjoy it.
Don't stress yourself trying to include grandparents that wish to be only peripherally involved.
People have different energy levels and interests in their 60's, especially as yours are makingba lot of decisions and life changes.
They may be feeling overwhelmed in their own lives at the moment with it all.

Good luck.

This sounds like it’s about some very specific interpersonal relationships and not much to do with age.

Forgive me if this comes across a bit harsh but how much interest do you take in your parents as people? Do you ever ask how their day went or about things going on in their lives? Just from your posts (and I appreciate it's a snapshot not a life story) it seems like you're only interested in them in terms of what they can do for you and your kids.

Grandparents are not obliged to do child caring any more than children are obliged to do parent caring. There is a time to drop the rope and step back.

When did you last send your parents, all expenses paid, on a nice holiday? Without strings attached?

That? Why would she do this, and why do you think she can afford to do so?

You’ve said they are planning on downsizing and retirement, well we have just done that and it’s taken a huge amount of time, effort and emotional energy! My own DD has been really disappointing during this time, we weren’t asking for physical help, but just space and acknowledgment that it can be a very stressful and emotional time. Maybe your parents feel the same? I may have completely got the wrong end of the stick but just a suggestion.

That's unusual. I don't know anyone in their 60s who behaves like that.

OP maybe you've upset them. Maybe they don't like the way you parent, maybe they find your children badly behaved or noisy or irritating. Why not ask them rather than posting on here?

Indeed, why the fuck would she do that, it always only works in one direction, I apologise.

I think it’s more common than you think. Maybe not in your social circle but there’s definitely those in their sixties who make the most of life, some who have a sedate lifestyle or some don’t have their health . Also retirement doesn’t suit everyone and some fall into the life of doing nothing.
I think it’s a shame that some, like my parents, don’t make the most of life 🤷‍♀️

Things don't have to happen in one direction. I just don't understand where a all-expenses paid holiday fits in to the situation in the OP.

I suspect the "big family fallout" may have had more of an effect on them than you might think,even if you weren't really involved.
It wasn't very long ago so maybe you just need to give it time.

They are a similar age to us. We love our family but at times it can be overwhelming. We've done it all, seen it all and bought the T shirt, sometimes we just want to shut the world off and have our time.

It's not you but you need to respect that they are still young enough to do what they want when they want and lunches/days out with children and grandchildren is sometimes more to be endured than enjoyed.

I know where they're coming from ... They've become grumpy old men/women and one day it will happen to you too.