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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to find my parents harder to manage as they age?

75 replies

newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 17:13

Am I being unreasonable to think parents become really hard work as they get older? I love my parents dearly and we are very close, but both are in their 60s and I can find them very awkward to navigate. For example, my parents have said a number of times during the school holiday that they don’t want to join in with days/meals out etc and that I should reach out to other family members who have children instead. They have cancelled on me and their other grandchildren. I have initiated a play date with this in mind and been offered a play date in return. For the play date I initiated mum was very supportive and happy, but since having said play date she has been very brief with me and shown zero interest in me as a person. She helped out with emergency childcare today and my daughter has come home telling me that ‘Nan’ has asked lots about what we have been up to etc. So, she is interested but just doesn’t want to hear about it from me? The other day I did reach out to my parents to check they were okay as they had been acting odd and they just brushed it off, yet it continues. Not sure I like the rock and hard place aesthetic I have been in these school holidays! There was a big family fall out at the start of the school holidays, but this was resolved in terms of my involvement and there has been no issues the last few weeks, so I am stumped at what is now causing the cold shoulder.

OP posts:
CorporalJohn · 22/08/2026 18:21

Speaking as a grandparent, YABU. I thank God you aren't my DD..

user1471538275 · 22/08/2026 18:22

They are not yours to 'manage'

Especially in their 60s

Twiglets1 · 22/08/2026 18:23

They’re in their 60s not their 80s - not liking someone’s behaviour doesn’t mean you have the right to “manage” them.

newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 18:27

Perhaps ‘manage’ is not the correct word (AI title). I just mean I find the relationship can be a little testy..perhaps? Not sure how to word it. I by no means want to manage anyone in my family, it was more about how I feel in the dynamic that I think is of the result of my parents aging and changing phases of life etc.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 22/08/2026 18:30

It could be to do with the fall out, for whatever reason they are wary around you. Or it could be that they are growing out of, young-children-things and want you to look to other people in your peer group. They could be starting to feel their age and are nervous that you are going to ask for childcare. I'm my DD's childcare but have never been interested enough to want to talk about a play date, or party etc that I didn't have to get involved in. Your Mum is still engaging with her grandchild, but you need to spread your wings, by the sound of it. I'm made up that my DD now has a fiance. I'm past being her wanting to treat me like a best mate.

Createausername1970 · 22/08/2026 18:30

They are a similar age to me and I don't believe I need managing.

I do have less oomph than I did 10 years ago, and if I had grandchildren I don't think I would be willing to do regular childminding or want the grandchildren around constantly for the whole of the summer holidays. You had them, so you keep them entertained.

Could it be that they feel you are not respecting their boundaries?

ThatPearlSnail · 22/08/2026 18:31

They're getting older and probably a bit more set in their ways and maybe they just want a quiet life. There's nothing wrong with that. It's nice of them to help with childcare occasionally. Are they still working? Any illness?

Daffodilsinthespring · 22/08/2026 18:32

I’m nearly 60. My daughter does not manage me. They are in their prime and can do what they like when they like

OnlyUsername · 22/08/2026 18:33

I don't know if it's your example but I'm not sure what they have done wrong. What has the playdate got to do with anything? My mum is a fab grandma and she is no more interested in what DS did on a playdate than I am in what her friend I have never met said at lunch the other day.

Gatekeeper · 22/08/2026 18:34

Christ!! I thought you were going to say they were in their late 80s /90s!!

60s? I'm 63 and nee body manages me...I manage myself beautifully

FloofyKat · 22/08/2026 18:35

ThatPearlSnail · 22/08/2026 18:31

They're getting older and probably a bit more set in their ways and maybe they just want a quiet life. There's nothing wrong with that. It's nice of them to help with childcare occasionally. Are they still working? Any illness?

Dear god! Older and more set in their ways? Wanting a quiet life? They’re not in their 80s, for goodness sake. If they are like all the other 60 (and 70) odd year olds I know, they are likely very busy living life - working if they still do, or extracting the most from retirement.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 22/08/2026 18:35

I’ll be in my 60s soon. Are they still working? Wait until they’re in their 80s. You’ve seen nothing.

It sounds more like a mismatch of expectations, you have an idea about what they should be doing with you and their GC. Their idea is different.

UniquePinkSwan · 22/08/2026 18:35

I bet you were a pain when you were a toddler

newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 18:36

Ponoka7 · 22/08/2026 18:30

It could be to do with the fall out, for whatever reason they are wary around you. Or it could be that they are growing out of, young-children-things and want you to look to other people in your peer group. They could be starting to feel their age and are nervous that you are going to ask for childcare. I'm my DD's childcare but have never been interested enough to want to talk about a play date, or party etc that I didn't have to get involved in. Your Mum is still engaging with her grandchild, but you need to spread your wings, by the sound of it. I'm made up that my DD now has a fiance. I'm past being her wanting to treat me like a best mate.

Edited

I do think we are in a change of season in a lot of ways and it’s just hard to navigate. I am incredibly close to my parents so I don’t deal with ‘withdrawal’ very well, but useful to look at it from the perspective of spreading my own wings a bit more (I am the youngest).

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 22/08/2026 18:36

Stop focusing on the word manage! She didn’t mean it like that.

She means why doesn’t she have an easy, cosy, relationship with her parents in which they actively want to see her and her children.

newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 18:37

Createausername1970 · 22/08/2026 18:30

They are a similar age to me and I don't believe I need managing.

I do have less oomph than I did 10 years ago, and if I had grandchildren I don't think I would be willing to do regular childminding or want the grandchildren around constantly for the whole of the summer holidays. You had them, so you keep them entertained.

Could it be that they feel you are not respecting their boundaries?

Perhaps ‘manage’ is not the correct word (AI title). I just mean I find the relationship can be a little testy..perhaps? Not sure how to word it. I by no means want to manage anyone in my family, it was more about how I feel in the dynamic that I think is of the result of my parents aging and changing phases of life etc.

OP posts:
newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 18:37

Daffodilsinthespring · 22/08/2026 18:32

I’m nearly 60. My daughter does not manage me. They are in their prime and can do what they like when they like

Perhaps ‘manage’ is not the correct word (AI title). I just mean I find the relationship can be a little testy..perhaps? Not sure how to word it. I by no means want to manage anyone in my family, it was more about how I feel in the dynamic that I think is of the result of my parents aging and changing phases of life etc.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2026 18:38

I'm nearly 60 and I am very glad to be managed 😀. I am very happy to be involved in my DCs lives but dont want to overstep. So I am happy to be told what to do.

We have brand new grandchildren. Lots has changed since my DCs were babies so I am happy to take their lead.

Createausername1970 · 22/08/2026 18:39

What's with the repetitive responses?

newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 18:40

OnlyUsername · 22/08/2026 18:33

I don't know if it's your example but I'm not sure what they have done wrong. What has the playdate got to do with anything? My mum is a fab grandma and she is no more interested in what DS did on a playdate than I am in what her friend I have never met said at lunch the other day.

It was just an example of how I do what I think they want me to do (give them a break and find connection elsewhere) but now feel like I am getting the cold shoulder for doing so. I have tried to speak to my parents the last few days (general two way chat) and I keep getting brushed off and pushed away. It hurt when I then found out from my own little one they was asking her lots of questions, just felt like they want to know but not from me.

OP posts:
newchaptermummy · 22/08/2026 18:40

Gatekeeper · 22/08/2026 18:34

Christ!! I thought you were going to say they were in their late 80s /90s!!

60s? I'm 63 and nee body manages me...I manage myself beautifully

Perhaps ‘manage’ is not the correct word (AI title). I just mean I find the relationship can be a little testy..perhaps? Not sure how to word it. I by no means want to manage anyone in my family, it was more about how I feel in the dynamic that I think is of the result of my parents aging and changing phases of life etc.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 22/08/2026 18:40

@newchaptermummy "I think is of the result of my parents ageing and changing phases of life etc."

Well yeah Sherlock. Doesn't take a lot of insight to work out that someone in their 60's isn't going to be in utter raptures over 2 hours of soft play or party bags or whatever. Maybe, just maybe they don't want to get stuck with childcare and they actually want to enjoy their retirement.

Eyesopenwideawake · 22/08/2026 18:41

my parents have said a number of times during the school holiday that they don’t want to join in with days/meals out etc and that I should reach out to other family members who have children instead.

Which bit of this are you finding hard to understand?

DeftGoldHedgehog · 22/08/2026 18:42

My parents have said a number of times during the school holiday that they don’t want to join in with days/meals out etc and that I should reach out to other family members who have children instead.

By "join in with" do you mean "provide childcare for"? @newchaptermummy

I found my parents probably if anything easier to get on with as I had children myself.

sausagetheorangecat · 22/08/2026 18:42

Yes you get 60 year olds who are like they are 40, and that’s great. But you definitely get 60 year olds who are ‘elderly’.
I feel you OP, my parents are late sixties and they may as well be 85 the way they are. Completely lost all ability to use phones/technology/booking anything online. They weren’t as bad even a couple of years ago. Mine are VERY sedate lifestyle, they do nothing, go nowhere and life revolves around food shop, drs and reading. Their world is small and they moan a lot. It’s took me by surprise as I never thought they’d be this bad. They make every excuse not to do anything and partly anxiety and partly they just like doing nothing. It’s hard. It’s certainly not how I am going to be when older but I cannot change it x