AIBU to find my parents harder to manage as they age?

[newchaptermummy]

Am I being unreasonable to think parents become really hard work as they get older? I love my parents dearly and we are very close, but both are in their 60s and I can find them very awkward to navigate. For example, my parents have said a number of times during the school holiday that they don’t want to join in with days/meals out etc and that I should reach out to other family members who have children instead. They have cancelled on me and their other grandchildren. I have initiated a play date with this in mind and been offered a play date in return. For the play date I initiated mum was very supportive and happy, but since having said play date she has been very brief with me and shown zero interest in me as a person. She helped out with emergency childcare today and my daughter has come home telling me that ‘Nan’ has asked lots about what we have been up to etc. So, she is interested but just doesn’t want to hear about it from me? The other day I did reach out to my parents to check they were okay as they had been acting odd and they just brushed it off, yet it continues. Not sure I like the rock and hard place aesthetic I have been in these school holidays! There was a big family fall out at the start of the school holidays, but this was resolved in terms of my involvement and there has been no issues the last few weeks, so I am stumped at what is now causing the cold shoulder.

Because I didn’t choose the word ‘manage’ it was just the AI title given to the post. It seems people are misunderstanding the post because of the word. I don’t want to be in control or babysit my parents, I just find the relationship tricky at the moment and I am wondering if it’s because they are getting older and entering a new phase of life. How do I adjust to that and what are the boundaries? When I feel like I listen to their boundaries, I still seem to be in the wrong!

Just sending sympathy OP as you’ll get shot to pieces on this thread tonight!!

Seriously if you can’t post a message on Mumsnet without using fucking AI, you should go back to school.
Maybe this is why you are getting puzzled responses, your original post makes no sense, nor do your follow up cut and paste replies. 🙄

This is a your parents thing not a 60s thing, it's hilarious that you think they are old

It's not that unusual nowadays for those in their 60s to have children still in education and be working full time jobs

Talk about kicking a girl whilst she is down 😂 oh well, the joys of the internet but at least things are off my chest a little more - even if misunderstood.

I don’t think they are old - my post never says this? They are however starting to retire, downsizing their house and making plans for whatever years they may have left (their parents died young and suddenly). Regardless of age, they are moving on with their life and I can’t work out how to fit into it still.

I completely agree with you people do get more difficult as they age but sadly anyone with that opinion on another thread has been shot to pieces. So I was just sending you my sympathy.

I'm confused as to what you want your parents to do @newchaptermummy. Do you want them to come out and about with you and the children during the school holidays, and they don't want to? But now they seem upset that they haven't been doing things with you?

If they're willing to do some childcare for you though, they obviously do care about their GC. Perhaps continue to make the occasional suggestion and see what they're keen on doing. They may prefer to have the children over to their house more than going out and about. Everyone's different.

Handhold OP. And a hard hat.
It sounds like the issue is that they like their own company and don't need you to be in their lives as much. They've had their babies. They don't need to see yours as often as others might.
For those of us who have had less hands-on support, we are used to it. It hurts but you get on.
If this is a recent change then it will take getting used to. Maybe they see you as needy/a taker or maybe, they're just knackered or have their own things on. 60 isn't old but if working, can feel it.
All you can do is offer to visit or to have them over and don't let any perceived rejection get to you. It can hurt. 💐

In all honesty, I just want to know where I stand. If they don’t want to be hands on then I respect that, but I don’t want to feel like I have upset them if I make plans with other people (based on the example I tried to give in the main post). I feel like I am on eggshells at the moment and just don’t know where I fit in or how to navigate everything.

Thank you, this has been a really helpful response 🫶🏼

I’ve had 5 kids. I’m in my 50s with no grandchildren yet but I can guarantee my interest in children and doing kid things is non-existent. I imagine they feel the same. You’re the youngest. They’ve been there and done that. It’s not all about you. Don’t take it personally.

The relationship I have with my mother needs careful management, it's not that I need to manage her or her time but it means that I have to be conscious when communicating with her about the choice of my words and phrases as well as what parts of my life I talk about. She's late 60s but with her it's not age related and she's been like this for as much of my life as I can remember.
She takes things personally, there was one time when she fell out with me when I have a story of the time I still managed to get tonsillitis despite having had the remove 10 years earlier. She thought I had kept it from her ... I hadn't she came to my house for an afternoon as my partner was working away for 2 days, did my washing and we watched TV together as she did my ironing. She just hadn't remembered, she has memory issues and I guess being sofa bound hopped up in best otc pain relief and antibiotics, wincing when you swallowed was more memorable than spending the afternoon ironing watching call the midwife. Her not remembering wasn't the issue but her automatic assumption was not that she hadn't remembered the time I had tonsillitis as 25 year old but that I was deliberately shutting her out of my life.

It sounds to me like what ever happened earlier in the summer has subtly knocked the relationship you have with your parents and the relationship that felt natural now feels awkward and out of step and you don't quite know what has gone wrong and how to get back to that easier relationship, if I have read your posts right.

Regardless of age, they are moving on with their life and I can’t work out how to fit into it still.

@newchaptermummy Perhaps the best way is to view them as adults with their own lives, and you carry on leading yours IYSWIM. That's how I approach it with my DD (21). She's busy with her own life now, but we keep in touch regularly (texting and calling) and see each other when we can. I don't really parent her anymore, but I'm always here if she needs advice or support.

You might have to ask them outright what they'd prefer to do with the grandchildren, it does sound as if they're being unclear! My in-laws weren't keen on trips out with my children either.

They're not even very old!

I agree.

"Managing" your parents? I read the title and thought they'd be in their 80s and refusing a stairlift, not new retirees expressing a preference for how they spend their time that doesn't accord with your wishes.

Typos

What happily-retired, still-active person in their 60s wants to spend all their time doing stuff with very young children? At the sorts of places catering to young children? When they'll also probably be drafted in to help with childcare?
It's been a beautiful summer, OP - It's not unreasonable for your parents to want you spend their time doing more adult things.

Thank you, it is really helpful to read replies for both sides of the relationship - so to speak!

Wh

I have no expectation for them to spend all of their time with me or my child. The boundaries in our relationship are clearly shifting as they start to plan for retirement, downsizing their house etc and whenever I think I am respecting what they want I feel like I am getting it wrong. The days out was just an example. They didn’t want to be bothered this summer, I have made plans elsewhere, but now feel like I am getting the cold shoulder for doing so. It’s like they are excited for the next phase of life but don’t want to let go of what they currently have - so what do I do?! That was the point of this post and what I am finding hard to ‘manage’.

Whaaaat? They're in their 60s? Is that all? They're at a different stage of life from you, just as you are from your DC. They aren't as interested as you are in boring family activities. The want different things. You shouldn't take it personally. They've been there, done that. And they don't necessarily want to carry on with same old, same old. Take a step back.

You say that you're very close, so I can't help feeling that there's something specific behind this sudden change in their attitude to you and in spending time together.

Are you sure that that big family bust up was resolved d fully? This smacks of them suddenly feeling differently about you. Is it possible that someone has fed them some misinformation about you?

I think you need to have an open conversation with them, rather than overthinking it and trying to walk an invisible tightrope.
Is there any chance that you can take them for a coffee or something without the kids, and say that you're worried because something feels 'off' and that you're worried about them, and about your relationship?

I think you need to start with some open ended questions.

What are you plans next week? If it's not full of things, ask would you like to doh something with the children and me?

My parents and my in-laws are similar ages. My parents idea of a day out with the children is going somewhere outdoors ideally with a playground and a café where we can spend a couple of hours together, they can get a cup of tea and a scone, see the grandkids but have most of the day to do their own things. This would bring my mil out in hives! Days out with them are days out, often a museum or aquarium type place with a full picnic and are a 4h minimum with lots of planning to ensure we are going at the quietest time of day, avoid any traffic and lots of panicking that it will be crowded or too busy or that we won't be able to find a bench to have our lunch where we aren't near any other people. Our alternative it involves going for a long walk, picking a route that no one else will take and finding somewhere not too sunny, windy or muddy for lunch and of course quiet!

I love all three types of days out, as does my daughter but I can't imagine respective grandparents liking the opposite person's days out!! I leave the question open ended when talking to them, if they don't suggest anything I let them know what my plans are - I'm thinking of going to X place on Wednesday or Thursday to do this, you are more than happy to join us but no obligation and go from there. Some times I get "we would love to" and other times I get "ok if you are doing that why don't we see you on Tuesday instead?" Or "have a nice time, we look forward to hearing about it next week"

My daughter is 6 now and the grandparents tend to prefer hearing from her about the day trips rather than us, they are less interested in "we saw this and this and that" and more in pure wonder at the things that she found truly amazing..., Even if it was the snail she saw in the car park!

I don’t really understand what you’re saying, I don’t understand what the issue is exactly. But I have found my parents have really changed in their 60s as they’ve reduced their hours, and tbh I’m finding it hard. I’m sure I’ve changed as well, we’re all aging and moving into different stages of life, I feel like I’ve got a lot on my plate right now and when I try to offload to them they recount on what is honestly quite miniscule things by comparison, but they’re big things to them, I just feel they’ve lost their perspective a bit so they’re not really who I go to for support any more which is a big shift. They’re amazing hands on grandparents though, I know I frustrate them with my withdrawing so 2 sides and all that!!

This is a really helpful response - thank you so much! I will definitely be giving your suggestions/wording a go to see if this helps!