AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

[Appleteeth]

Hi all, first of all I want to make it clear I’m not by any means saying I have been a good mother to my son, or that he doesn’t have every right to resent me for that, I don’t want this to read as woe is me.

Background
I have 2 children they are 41 and 26, I had my first child at 21, he was for the most part raised by my mother, I was completing my nursing degree then doing shift work, I provided for him financially, took him on holiday etc, but I will admit my mother did the vast majority of the day to day care. When he was 11 he wanted to try and live with me and my then partner, he moved in for 6 months but was having problems at school, we then trialled by partner moving out, nothing improved and he insisted he wanted to go back to his grans. So he did, my partner then moved back in.
3 years later my partner and I had our daughter, her father then left and never returned when she was 6 so I raised her alone.

Lately my son has increasingly been talking about the the injustice of his childhood, how DD did more hobbies than him, how the only reason DD now owns a home is because she had more support.

1. There was little in the way of financial disparity, actually I think my son got more money spent on him over all, he had a summer holiday every year, was taken abroad etc.
2. He always had the most fashionable clothes and toys, my mother and I worked extremely hard to ensure this

Yes DD did more hobbies, but my son never actually wanted to as a child, and as a result the last time DD left the country for a family holiday in childhood she was 4, we didn’t do a single holiday between 4 and 11, not even a uk break. DDs birthday and Christmas gifts were often made up of whatever she needed for hobbies that year.

She did go on to go to university being the first in our family to do so, got married and now has children.

She owns a home but I had no involvement in this at all, she and her partner (who had been together since they were 14 saved, and received help from his family, I didn’t have any money to offer).

Now I’m mortgage free but not very high earning as I left nursing for my own health 20 years ago.

I make no difference in the gifts I give to my son’s children and my daughters. I pay for us all to go on holiday once a year (just a uk break).

My son also borrows money every month which he doesn’t always pay back in full but I’ve accepted this.

This afternoon my son came over and he was complaining that his sons didn’t have their proper PE kit and went back to school last week, I told him I don’t have anymore money to give him, he has already had £400 this month and still owes me money from last month.

He then went on a rant that he knows I spent more on my daughter’s children’s school shoes than I did on his sons. This is true but I didn’t do it deliberately, I told them both I could afford £50 per child on school shoes, DD bought her children shoes from start rite so she spent it all, he sent me a link to some shoes which were only £30, I ordered exactly what he sent me.

This then spiralled into me apparently loving my DDs children more than his! This isn’t true at all. I see DDs children a little more as she is in the same town as me and a walk away, I babysit them one day a week for 2 hours and they come over for dinner once a week. I see my son’s children once a week as he brings them over and I try to stop in and see them when I can but it’s a bus away and I’m still working. He also asks me not to come to his ok the weekend so the only option is either the day I already have DDs children or after work. I have offered him babysitting countless times and he always says no he will get his partners mum to do it.

I don’t know what to do?

AIBU to feel I’m not currently doing anything wrong even if in the past I did mess up in having my mum raise him?

Im open to advice!

With the updates you’ve goven I very much doubt that the childcare thing you are proposing will help in any way, shape or form to improve the relationship. In that case it’s not worth upsetting your daughter and risking spending way less time with your DD’s children (if you enjoy it).

Since he values money more than anything I’d offer to take the kids to the zoo, or whatever outing they might enjoy, once a month if I could afford it. It’s fun for the children, it builds a relationship with them, and it might be harder to refuse. I’d rather spend my money on this than on loans that don’t get paid back for people that earn good money.

OP, you say you go on holiday with him and his partner and children. Can you say a little bit about his partner and your relationship with her?

Spoken like someone who doesn’t have a relative who will put their kids in last years shoes and keep the £50 for themselves

She gave them a gift, the only response should be ‘Thank you’

Hear, hear.
wPoor OP, she does not deserve this constant abuse and exploitation from him, no matter how much he feels he is owed.

@user1471538275
Your right in what you're saying
But
Most mothers do at the time what they thought right and the sons
Feeling that he should make his mother literally "pay" in this situation so
Even if she coughed up
(Which I personally wouldnt)
Will not stop his thoughts and
Just because he's so far gone with how he thinks
Will just in his mind
Cement your admitting to your "cruelty" towards him
You're not going to win this one @Appleteeth
No matter how you play it
Sorry

I wouldn’t stop childcare for your DD as I expect your DS wil turn round and make up an excuse why you can’t visit on a Wednesday either, if he truly wanted to see you, he would be welcoming you at weekends

I would also cut him off, if both him and his partner work and he earns £50k a year he shouldn’t be borrowing £400 a month off you and also off your mum especially if there’s nothing to show for it, I would suspect an addiction of some sorts, so be prepared for backlash. what is your relationship like with his partner, could you speak to her to arrange visits? Although I suspect all he has told her is how rubbish a mum you were

I wouldn't cancel the help you give your daughter. You have offered your son other times and he isn't interested. Letting your daughter down won't solve the problems with your son.

He has complex issues and feelings and they won't easily be solved by giving in to his unreasonable demands.

I'd be tempted to say you can no longer give him money as you can't afford it. If he needs help with a certain item e.g. to fill the fridge you will try to help but do it direct. If he earns 50k and his partner works he shouldn't need to borrow hundreds every month from you and from your mum.

I don't think you should let your guilt about your son's childhood lead to you allowing him to manipulate and financially abuse you.

I agree councilling with your son would be a good idea but probably very expensive unless you can find a charity or something that will help. Does being a nurse allow you to access any help from your employer with therapy?

I think money has become your love language and you can't undo the hurt of the past. its very sad.

Well, quite aside from the issues of his upbringing, I really think she should stop lending him all this money. Frankly, I think you should have stopped years ago but as you can’t turn back the clock, I’d focus on NOW. Stop trying to buy his forgiveness/affection because it’s clear that’s never going to happen.

Time for him to hear some hard truths. That you know you let him down growing up but that you are done with the constant feeling that you’re being made to pay - both in reality and metaphorically- for your undoubtedly shortcomings. That he is in his 40s and it’s time for him to face up to the fact that the past cannot be changed. That you are no longer going to be handing him large amounts of cash. That you would like to have a healthy, adult relationship with him and his family. But that his punishment of you stops now.

He sounds like a 41 year old man who tries to emotionally blackmail you when he doesn't get his own way.

I dont really understand why you moved out of your mothers into a flat... without your son

Its not even like you were a very young teenage mother you were 21 years old!

I know it is a complex situation but paying for school shoes for HIS children is your son's responsibility.

He is 46 ! he can go for counselling if he needs / wants.

Does he not work ?
why does he ' borrow ' money each month ?

Op you don’t seem particularly concerned by the fact your high earning, clearly quite damaged son, is having to borrow £500 a month.

That indicates that something very serious is likely going on here. Either drugs or gambling. Does his partner know you’re lending him £500 a month?

Does it take 11 years to train as a nurse?!

When my mother had her first child and first grandchild for her mother, she was in a similar position.

Living at home and needing to work, my grandmother took over looking after her grandchild. My mother said she in effect pushed her aside and over-rode her opnions then her child called her by her first name and the grandmother was Mama.

I think the OP became a victim of an overbearing strong mother and was pushed away, damaging her son in the process.

My mother left and moved abroad and had me and siblings.

I had a different father to siblings here in UK and my father also moved abroad when I was very young.

So I understood the effect on sibling abroad and how they might feel to be abandoned. I do feel it is particularly worse when it is the mother doing it and unfortunately, it did make me judge my own mother more.

My sibling had a great career but was a functioning alcoholic.

My mother and sibling passed away many years ago and father is also gone now. I often think of that situation and the impact it had on my sibling abroad, me and siblings. It has messed us up emotionally in different ways.

So I can sympathise and also judge the OP at the same time.

He puts things in monetary terms OP, because this is what you taught him love is. He’s gran raised him while you paid for everything, he got: fancy clothes, fancy toys, fancy holidays- he didn’t need any of that, he needed you to skip some night shifts and spend time with him and give him attention on a daily. So now he equates your love with money but what he wants is the relationship you and DD have. He is also likely chasing lifestyle he can ill afford if he had whatever material things he asked for as a child. To me, it’s all rather tragic, because what he always needed was for you to pick him: over your training, over your work, over your partner (i.e. moved him in with you not with your partner and you; moving your partner out did nothing there really as he knew sooner or later he’ll be back no matter what your DS wanted) and finally over your daughter. And this is what he, on some level, still needs. Hence why he wants you to visit him only when you babysit for her, that’s why he’s “picking” his MIL to babysit over you. The sad part is - I honestly don’t think it will change anything in his life and in your and his relationship. This is what the child in him needs but it won’t make zilch difference to the adult- at some point he needs to come to terms with his childhood and take responsibility for himself as an adult- likely leading to him going NC for some time till he sorts out how he feels about all this (and possibly understands there was no malice in your actions really, just mistakes we all make). It probably would be best for him if you and your mum stop loaning him money - potentially buy shoes for kids or food for the house if they need it, but not give him money whenever he asks. However, if you stop, it will probably mess things up between you even more at least for a time being. It’s a really hard situation - it’s sortable but he’d need to take responsibility and do a tonne of work on himself for his own sake.

A spot on post

He should not be using emotional persuasion to obtain money - he is an adult who needs to take responsibility. You support them both a lot.

However this accusation is sort of displace anger at you for not ‘raising’ him and he’s reaching for comparisons and using these instead.

Either way it’s unfair and you need a calmer more focussed conversation than this.

He is a 41 year old man with kids of his own. He needs to choose to move on from the hurts of the past or he will never have a happy life. Stop giving him money unless it’s for counselling. If he decides to get counselling, pay for it directly - don’t give him the money.

No but she was then a shift worker and the child was probably settled
he sounds like he’s just trying to pick arguments and now financially manipulate his mum which is so wrong

@Appleteeth he resents you, and no amount of money will change this. I suspect he sees you as a ‘cash cow’ now as you owe him. But you’ll always owe him in his eyes so he feels he shouldn’t have to fight for the cash he expects from you.

The cash will never rid the resentment. In fact stopping the cash help to both your adult children would maybe a way to help to him see you in a different way.

You can’t buy someone’s love and respect.

As someone of 52 who was effectively abandoned by their parents to all of you saying he should get over it, it’s not something you can get over. I have PTSD from trauma inflicted by my parents and as much as I try not to keep blaming them for my shitshow of a life it’s very hard not to sometimes.

You need to stop making excuses. You were 21 not 15 when you had him. I was 21 and doing a nursing degree when I had my dd. It was hard to say the least but I still raised her. She's 14 now