AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

[Appleteeth]

Hi all, first of all I want to make it clear I’m not by any means saying I have been a good mother to my son, or that he doesn’t have every right to resent me for that, I don’t want this to read as woe is me.

Background
I have 2 children they are 41 and 26, I had my first child at 21, he was for the most part raised by my mother, I was completing my nursing degree then doing shift work, I provided for him financially, took him on holiday etc, but I will admit my mother did the vast majority of the day to day care. When he was 11 he wanted to try and live with me and my then partner, he moved in for 6 months but was having problems at school, we then trialled by partner moving out, nothing improved and he insisted he wanted to go back to his grans. So he did, my partner then moved back in.
3 years later my partner and I had our daughter, her father then left and never returned when she was 6 so I raised her alone.

Lately my son has increasingly been talking about the the injustice of his childhood, how DD did more hobbies than him, how the only reason DD now owns a home is because she had more support.

1. There was little in the way of financial disparity, actually I think my son got more money spent on him over all, he had a summer holiday every year, was taken abroad etc.
2. He always had the most fashionable clothes and toys, my mother and I worked extremely hard to ensure this

Yes DD did more hobbies, but my son never actually wanted to as a child, and as a result the last time DD left the country for a family holiday in childhood she was 4, we didn’t do a single holiday between 4 and 11, not even a uk break. DDs birthday and Christmas gifts were often made up of whatever she needed for hobbies that year.

She did go on to go to university being the first in our family to do so, got married and now has children.

She owns a home but I had no involvement in this at all, she and her partner (who had been together since they were 14 saved, and received help from his family, I didn’t have any money to offer).

Now I’m mortgage free but not very high earning as I left nursing for my own health 20 years ago.

I make no difference in the gifts I give to my son’s children and my daughters. I pay for us all to go on holiday once a year (just a uk break).

My son also borrows money every month which he doesn’t always pay back in full but I’ve accepted this.

This afternoon my son came over and he was complaining that his sons didn’t have their proper PE kit and went back to school last week, I told him I don’t have anymore money to give him, he has already had £400 this month and still owes me money from last month.

He then went on a rant that he knows I spent more on my daughter’s children’s school shoes than I did on his sons. This is true but I didn’t do it deliberately, I told them both I could afford £50 per child on school shoes, DD bought her children shoes from start rite so she spent it all, he sent me a link to some shoes which were only £30, I ordered exactly what he sent me.

This then spiralled into me apparently loving my DDs children more than his! This isn’t true at all. I see DDs children a little more as she is in the same town as me and a walk away, I babysit them one day a week for 2 hours and they come over for dinner once a week. I see my son’s children once a week as he brings them over and I try to stop in and see them when I can but it’s a bus away and I’m still working. He also asks me not to come to his ok the weekend so the only option is either the day I already have DDs children or after work. I have offered him babysitting countless times and he always says no he will get his partners mum to do it.

I don’t know what to do?

AIBU to feel I’m not currently doing anything wrong even if in the past I did mess up in having my mum raise him?

Im open to advice!

This.

Strongly suggest you have some counsellling with him - he has childhood trauma poor man. All he ever wanted was for you to love want him. Very sad…

If your DD has done nothing other than be the child that lived with you I don't actually think he deserves any extra effort from you. He doesn't sound like a nice man.

No matter what you do, I doubt he will be content. The whole spend exactly the same time is silly, this is a man approaching 50. Or tell him you’re levelling things up, so no money for either, given your DD doesn’t ask you for money. He is only asking you for a Wednesday so you choose his family over your DD’s. You’ve apologised for the past, you cannot change that. Stop letting him use you for money.

You managed to have a relationship and another child during these busy shift years though. Unfortunately OP you’re reaping what you sowed when your son was a child, and he has been emotionally scarred by it and it’s the inner child in him that is behaving this way.

I agree, not sure why so many posters are suggesting OP bends over backwards for him.

I’m going to have to go against the grain here. Your DS is in his 40s, not 14. At this point, it is his responsibility to deal with any childhood trauma he has. My guess is he doesn’t want to heal and instead just wants to make you pay by hurting the relationship you have with your DD. Why would you punish your DD, who has done nothing wrong, to appease your DS?

Quite frankly, he doesn’t sound like a nice person and it’s about time he grew up and started taking responsibility for his own feelings and healing his childhood trauma. I would perhaps sympathise more with him if he genuinely wanted to spend more time with you but it’s not coming across that way, he just wants you to spend less time with your DD’s children and in doing so, force your DD to find alternative childcare arrangements.

You did wrong by him when he was a child but you can’t turn the clock back or punish your DD now to make up for the past. You also can’t beat yourself up over it forever and he can’t hold it over you forever either. When he’s 50 will he still be asking you for £400 every month and feeling no need to repay it because you didn’t raise him as a child? Come now.

My mum is still alive, she was only 41 when he was born so perfectly fit and healthy. He was spoiled by her, she had very little in the way of rules for him. No grandfather.

Tbh DS never wanted me over on weeknights until I started having DDs kids on Wednesdays.

I will tell DD she needs to find other childcare so I can go to his on Wednesdays but I have a feeling this will upset her (the only reason I have the kids on Wednesdays is because her childminder doesn’t have space that day so it may mean finding a whole new childminder), and I don’t even think it will help DS, he will just find something else to be angry about.

This this and this.
Move off of this thread fast.
Your son is 26 an adult with kids of his own. He sounds like a manipulative whiner.
Everyone e cent a few are bashing you for something you cannot change. We make wrong decisions all through life and I think a lot of the posters are overlooking the fact that your son chose to go back to his gran.
He's blaming you for his own weakness.
Don't lend himmore money. Remind him that he's an adult and if he throws a strop ignore him.
Now run for the hills before the morality monitors beat you down.

Her son is 41!

I think I would start with a letter apologising for his childhood. Don’t try to minimise or justify what happened. Asking about moving forward and how he sees the next few decades? Having it written in black and white may help. Invite him to write back so you can see his pain in black and white.

Therapy for you alone. Offer to pay for therapy for him alone. There may be time in the future for therapy together.

Learn to drive yourself. It will give you more flexibility in every circumstance.

Accept that he may never be able to forgive you. Don’t give up the relationship you have with your DD and GC.

If you want to keep giving him money, work out what you can afford and don’t deviate from that. Be consistent in all dealings with both DC.

I get the feeling that whatever you do it will be wrong in his eyes, unless you cut you DD off completely.

She seems to have become the focus of his issues.

He needs therapy to be able to move forward, without seeing everything that you do with her as a slight against him.

Apologies for jumping about on this.

Was he happy at his grans? If he was loved and cherished by both of you ( it sounds so) it wasn’t such a bad upbringing? Lots of kids grow up like this. It sounds like you made the best decisions you could at the time.

Why on earth would you let your DD down in this way?? It’s been suggested upthread that you should have some therapy to work through your feelings of guilt because what you are proposing sounds misguided. You can’t cancel babysitting for your DD just to make yourself or your DS better because you’re now seeing their respective children exactly the same amount of time - in this case, equality does not mean equity as she actually needs your babysitting to work whereas he just wants to “feel better”.

You may have made regrettable choices when he was a child OP, but you weren’t a monster and you have owned it and apologized. At some point he has to take responsibility for his trauma and rejection and sort himself out. It sounds like he has his own character flaws which may have been present however he was raised. I especially don’t like the fact that he is bullying you for money. Can you afford this? There is no reason why you should be funding his life and it won’t heal the void. I don’t think there is going to be a magic solution for this, but don’t feel you have to put up with anything he demands of you because of the past.

I can't decide if he is trying to bully you into more money using his childhood as leverage or is actually trying to punish you for his childhood. It could be both, I guess.

Anyway - you'll never make up for being a 24/7 parent to DD and actively avoiding parenting your DS so don't bend yourself into a pretzel trying and don't give him more money or stop seeing DD's kids. It's none of his business how much you see her.

I understand that you did the best you could and made choices that you thought were the right ones at the time. I think your DS may be framing things as your DD has more spent on her but really what he is talking about is the attention and care she had from you as a child. I think you are looking at it too literally. From his perspective she had a mother by her side when she was young. I’m sure your DM tried her best too but your DS is bound to have internalised as a child feelings of abandonment/rejection. And now as an adult wondering why he wasn’t ’good enough’ to be treated the same way your DD was. I get the practical reasons why you did things differently but emotionally that hard for him to fully understand. The fact your DD had a more stable home life to the extent she lived with her mother at least is likely to have been a factor (although not the only one) in her feeling supported, loved etc which provided a better springboard to her being successful in navigating life as an adult. I’d suggest you and he both have therapy to work things out individually. I think you’re right to some extent that no matter what you do now he will feel it’s not enough. And that’s because he has a deep hurt in him from a child that he cannot easily erase. I

He is an adult and should have a heart, looking at how young you were when you had him, and you were trying to get a decent job to provide for him. Its 44 years ago, so he should grow up and stop bullying you.

I absolutely would not do that. Your son is a frown adult and would benefit more from counselling/therapy that from being able to bully you into submission.

If I were you id have a talk with him. You have owned the mistakes you made. What he is doing now is bullying you and behaving like a spoiled brat.

I would stop giving him money, continue to offer to see his kids abd him more but not at the detriment of uour daughter. It is not a competition and he needs to understand that.

Right now, it doesn't matter what you do, it is not going to appease him or make him happy. He very likely is suffering from attachment issues abd is using destructive and controlling behaviours to manipulate you in an attempt to soothe himself. He needs to work on himself, maybe together with you in family therapy.

OP I think you shouldn’t let down your dd. Ds will be delighted that she’s inconvenienced and out of pocket since she has to pay for a childminder but it’s not going to improve your relationship with your son. He is angry and bitter about the past and the only person who can try and deal with the hurt is him. Even if you never saw her kids again, he will be angry with you and come up with new hurdles that you can’t jump.

It’s not your dd’s fault that she grew up with you, don’t punish her and her kids for something that thy do isn’t choose. Your dd can’t change the past and nor can you. If you punish her kids then you are creating another generation of issues.

I am taking a different slant here. Your ds has spotted your weakness which is your guilt over his childhood and he is using that to manipulate you and get money from you. He should be able to buy his own child's back to school stuff as that is his responsibility not yours. I don't like the sound of him.
My sil was brought up by her Gran whom she adored and l never heard her say a bad word about her Mom. Same circumstances as her Mom was 18 and not ready to be a mother.
Your ds will have suffered issues but he cannot be blackmailing you now just to screw more money out of you. I suggest you get some counselling for yourself where you will get some wisdom in how to deal with him.

Honestly, I would not drop babysitting for your daughter. She is not the problem. You have explained your choices, you have apologised for them, you have helped him financially as much as you can, you have offered as much practical help as you can and he has declined. He has a victim mindset and is being unpleasant to his nieces and nephews for no reason. Time to give him some home truths. He's a grown man, he's perfectly capable of standing on his own two feet. He needs to grow the fuck up.

I suspect I am being a lone voice here but your ds is being completely unreasonable.

your dd is innocent in all this. It is not her fault he did not go to uni, or does not own his house. He is a 41 year old man punishing his sister and her children (and by proxy depriving his children of their cousins) over perceived favouritism. If he doesn’t speak to her how does he know about the shoes and the babysitting on a weds!

Stop telling him anything. He is seeing victory in destroying your relationship with your dd and taking what he sees as ‘his money’. You are not innocent in this, you laid the foundations, but he is a 41 year old man acting like a spiteful teenage boy.

you both need family counselling.

Have you considered family therapy for the two of you. He obviously has a lot of unresolved issues that he hasn’t been able to let go of as an adult. He also needs to take a bit more responsibility for his life choices at 41 instead of blaming everything on his childhood.

IMO what he resents is that from the moment of her birth, your DD was in your care. Living with you. Experiencing life with you every day. Even when you split up with her father, she still had at least one parent with her, caring for her, loving her daily, until she was an adult.

His grandmother may have loved him and cared for him, but he wasn't in YOUR care for 11 YEARS. He didn't live with a parent until he was 11 and even then he had to share you with your DP.

Yes, your shifts made life complicated, but you could have found a way to have your son in your care and use your mum for overnights etc when necessary, if you had really wanted to have your son with you. It sounds like it was just too inconvenient to actually be a parent to him.

11 years FGS.