Would you cut this friend off

[Whyisshecuttinghereyebrows]

I have a friend, we met online through having the same issues with our children and it was good to have a connection that I can't have with real life friends as they can't completely identify with my situation .
We often message one another and there have been periods where she'll send lengthy messages throughout the day and I'll listen, respond, give advice and sympathise.
If I ever message with a problem or when i'm feeling down (rare in comparison to her) she will generally not reply to the message until days later and then it's not in response to my message. It will be about what she's been up to and maybe say 'How are you?' at the end
It feels shit and I started having less contact with her, I think she realised and would give maybe a

bit of feedback but not much.

It's been three days now without a reply

Is this a crap friend? What would you do?
Do you think she realises she's doing this? Seems so selfish

Yes I get it. You’ve had plenty of helpful suggestions to see if you can change that or cut your losses. Make a decision, if it’s not for you don’t put up with it. Just ghost her.

What on earth are you talking about? I don't talk like that at all to her?!
I have less support where I am, for various reasons
Thsnks for the input but it's hard for someone outside of it to understand, for me now, I can't keep giving all of myself and listening to all of anothers woes without any support for myself occasionally, it's not fair or kind

But please read my posts, it's not multiple texts per day from my side, that is overwhelming for me too, but I felt bad for her, so always reply and help her. As I said before I have no problem with friends not answering back for a while. However, in this situation, the minute I talk about something that has been hard for me, the text will stop and she'll text days later as if nothing has happened-usually about herself and won't ask how things are going with the situation I was upset about or acknowledge it at all

I wouldn't consider her to be a "friend" to be honest, she is someone you have a close connection with as you have children with the same needs, but that doesn't equal "friend".

I think she is getting more out of the relationship than you are. It is quite likely that in real life she is like this too - self absorbed.

If you have this connection then there is no needs to cut it off, but I would suggest revisiting the same websites that you visited previously, where you originally met her, and seek support from there, as well as her, when you need it. You could change your user name if you didn't want her to see you were posting.

I understand that when you meet your real life friends you want to talk about other stuff. I had an extremely hard time with my DS, my friends were aware and we're supportive, but I needed to talk about other stuff, to be a person in my own right, not just the mother of a PITA. (Not that your child is - mine was!).

With regards to her messages - don't read or respond immediately, do it at a time that suits you. Put your needs first, it's what she is doing to you.

Thank you, I think you're right and I will seek support elsewhere and not give as much of myself anymore
I hope things are easier with your child now X

You dont even "know" this person. Very strange if you think this is a friendship anyway. Youve never met!

It sounds very one sided. Just leave her on unread and move on.

You give the impression of being lonely and in real need of support with the various issues going on in your life. This woman is getting counselling in order to cope with the difficulties going on in her life and I suggest you do the same. So that you have someone to talk to, and in order to have someone who can help you with coping strategies and to help you identify how you might need to change. Such as helping you to understand why you need to have stronger boundaries.

You seem to be having a hard time accepting that this woman is not interested or is not in the right headspace to offer you support. She's messaging you because you make yourself so readily available and because you seem interested by asking questions and offering advice and sympathy, this doesn't mean she has the same interest in you.

It's understandable if you don't want to talk about all of your problems with your real life friends and want to switch off when with them, but it's unfair to place this burden on the only person that you think understands.

You're also being unfair to yourself and not displaying a healthy sense of self respect, by giving so much of yourself to an online acquaintance who has clearly demonstrated that they don't view your relationship in the way that you hoped.

Okay, you're probably right. I didn't think I was burdening her with it all as I say, the majority of it is about her problems. I cannot afford counselling at the moment as so much is spent on my child's treatment, but I will not be engaging now

She hasn’t forgotten what you have said, by not acknowledging you she doesn’t have to acknowledge that she hasn’t bothered to respond. She just wants to talk at you about her problems so that she doesn’t have to deal with them. She’s zapping your energy. She is not a friend and she just wants to use you as free therapy. I’ve had a friend for many years that does this constantly complaining about various relationships, I had a miscarriage last year and she was annoyed because I wasn’t as available to listen to her whinging as I usually am. She actually moaned at me about it when I eventually had the capacity to go and visit her . It’s astonishing how self absorbed people can be. What’s hurtful is that now I am less available to her she hasn’t messaged me at all to ask how I am . Which is good because now it’s clear that’s she’s just selfish and I can get on with my life . Can you use the forum to talk to other people about your child’s condition and seek support that way, there might be much nicer people
yo talk to

How do you even know she is who she says she is?

Maybe she doesn't have a child with the same issues. Maybe she just gets a kick out of stringing people along.

Just tell her, kindly, that she never replies with support when you need it where you always reply to her. You've got nothing to lose. She ought to know this. Good luck. 🤞

I think you're right to step back and focus on yourself here. You're not abandoning someone in need, she has a counsellor to turn to and very likely other people, remind yourself of that the next time she sends a message looking for someone to listen.

I think you should turn to the forum where you first met her and ask for advice there on your dc's illness. You'll get advice from a range of different people going through the same difficulties and get different perspectives.

Check your local library or buy some kindle books if you can, based on self development and establishing boundaries, to help you learn to say no and step away at an early stage when you're not being treated very well.

Start a new hobby, something free or low cost, so you get a break from your difficult situation. Exercise would be great,if you're not already doing something like this, even jogging - the fresh air and exercise will help clear your head when you're overwhelmed.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you ☺️

Yes I think I prefer to say how I feel than just cut off from it

She's definitely real it's ok

Nope not for me. I have much higher standards and self respect than that.

Sums it up. Find someone else you can have a mutually supportive friendship with, rather than being her unpaid, unappreciated therapist.

Sorry you've been in a similar situation, it's hard not to feel a bit hurt/annoyed about it. It's also something i'd never do, I couldn't just ignore someone's message when they're in a hard place and then just come back with my own issues all the time