Would you cut this friend off

[Whyisshecuttinghereyebrows]

I have a friend, we met online through having the same issues with our children and it was good to have a connection that I can't have with real life friends as they can't completely identify with my situation .
We often message one another and there have been periods where she'll send lengthy messages throughout the day and I'll listen, respond, give advice and sympathise.
If I ever message with a problem or when i'm feeling down (rare in comparison to her) she will generally not reply to the message until days later and then it's not in response to my message. It will be about what she's been up to and maybe say 'How are you?' at the end
It feels shit and I started having less contact with her, I think she realised and would give maybe a

bit of feedback but not much.

It's been three days now without a reply

Is this a crap friend? What would you do?
Do you think she realises she's doing this? Seems so selfish

There are and I do post on them and get feedback, it was just initially to have someone in the same situation messaging directly and we got to know about each others lives etc

I have a friend like this, I didn’t notice at first as I don’t usually reach out to others for support but every time she asked me for support she would say she’d always be there for me too. However, the reality was that on the few times I did reach out she didn’t reply/ acknowledge it or gave a half-hearted response before turning it back on herself. Meanwhile whenever she was struggling she would be constantly messaging or calling for my support.

I realised that I wasn’t getting what I needed from the friendship and so I pulled back massively and started to respond to her as she was responding to me. Once I stopped putting effort in things faded out but I haven’t burnt any bridges, we are still in contact but not very frequently now. If your child’s needs are rare and she is part of that community I would possibly be wary of cutting her off completely so you don’t lose your support network but you don’t need to put in effort that isn’t reciprocated. I’d just stop giving her your time and energy when she asks for it if she’s not willing to give it back and let things fade out naturally.

I don't think this is a real friendship. She's just seeing you as an extension of the message board or whatever you use in your support group.

It's sad that she's not as invested as you, that always stings, but when people show you who they are, believe them. Wishing you all the best.

I have tried this and maybe she noticed as she put a bit more effort in and then we'd get back to being ok, but it's just happened too many times now

This stood out to me - how does she understand in the same way when she ignores messages that you send about things you are finding challenging? I wonder if you are projecting what you would like this friendship to be rather than what it actually is. If you take out that she is in a similar life-situation to you, is she behaving like someone who understands and cares about you?

She has sometimes and more in the past than now. Her Dc is getting better, which is fantastic so now she talks about het Dh a lot amd focuses on that a lot. She is seeing a counsellor now too
This illness and everything around it can be extremely exhausting and it's hard to support others sometimes, I get that, but I'm able to try mt hardest to help her

I would not cut her off. Because she is so far away she may be dealing with issues that she doesn't want to burden you with on top of everything else.

It's a casual but good friendship and as long as you see it in those terms I see no reason to stop it, just don't rely on her as your "go to" person.

What, so you’re offering support and she’s blanking whatever you ask for support about, clearly crap. On the other hand maybe she’s not coping and can’t give anything in terms of support to you and is just using you as a crutch.

She tells me all the issues she has, but it's a noticeable shift when i'm upset about something

I'm not a confrontational person, but do feel like saying it to her somehow. I mean, does she even realize? Or does she think 'Cba to go through all this and help her'

Hit the nail on the head and she doesn’t want it the other way round.

I'd say 85 % of the time she leaves the message on read, doesn't acknowledge it and then appears up to a week later saying 'How are you?' then messages full of what's happening in her life. So there's not even an asking of if things have improved in relation to what I messaged-nothing.

Occasionally if we're messaging a lot back and forth and I mention something, she'll say 'So sorry that's hard' but that's mainly it. Whereas I ask lots of questions, try to offer advice...at least I did, but it got to the point where it was night and day and I backed right off and she seemed to notice and now has a counsellor

Sounds an unequal situation not a friendship. Perhaps you could get the support from someone closer to home or maybe seek professional advice. This doesn't like a very pleasant relationship as you describe it. Some people do find it hard to empathise.

I would bring it up and be ready for it to be over. If you're thinking of dropping her anyway it doesn't hurt to give a chance to change. Otherwise let it go. It is really rude to ignore your messages and then come back days later not even acknowledging what you said. Very selfish. Online friends can be real friends, people who don't have that don't get it, so maybe don't listen to those comments

Why do you think she does it?

What would you say to her?

@Whyisshecuttinghereyebrows
I'd just leave it.. when she gets in touch, just reply briefly - if she cares about you, she'll respond, if not, just let it die a natural death.

Yes, saw that hence my message. I wouldn’t be bothered with that ‘friendship’ if I were you. It sounds too one-sided. Also did you mean to say on read, or did you mean unread (meaning she doesn’t read your message for a few days)?

Could she just be tired/going through something or busy genuinely? Was it something serious you needed help with? Words can get misconstrued, and intentions can as well. Do you talk on the phone? How often is it before you usually reply to her?
I think it would depend on the nature of your issue, and the speed of the response needed.

I agree with that. My friends and I often don't reply for days sometimes weeks when we're busy. If it was an emergency I obviously would, but we have busy families.

But does she understand in the same way if she's not responding and ignores your message? Is's a bit like messaging into the ether.

Is it a neurodiversity issue you message about and is she neurodivergent?

She reads it but no reply and this can be when something really upsetting has happened

It's whenever I text something hard really, always the same

That's how it feels

No, no Nd

Ffs
you could be messaging anyone!
find some real life actual friends who’ve got your back! Has she asked to borrow money or anything strange?????? Jesus this is beyond crazy

I think a friend is someone you enjoy spending time on and chatting to. If you aren’t enjoying the interaction, cut back a bit.