Would you cut this friend off

[Whyisshecuttinghereyebrows]

I have a friend, we met online through having the same issues with our children and it was good to have a connection that I can't have with real life friends as they can't completely identify with my situation .
We often message one another and there have been periods where she'll send lengthy messages throughout the day and I'll listen, respond, give advice and sympathise.
If I ever message with a problem or when i'm feeling down (rare in comparison to her) she will generally not reply to the message until days later and then it's not in response to my message. It will be about what she's been up to and maybe say 'How are you?' at the end
It feels shit and I started having less contact with her, I think she realised and would give maybe a

bit of feedback but not much.

It's been three days now without a reply

Is this a crap friend? What would you do?
Do you think she realises she's doing this? Seems so selfish

I have been reducing my contact significantly with friends who don’t reciprocate. I heard a relationships expert on the radio the other day saying we should prioritise friends who are CARPP: Consistent, Available, Responsive, Reliable and Predictable. It really hit home for me and I realised that I was trying to maintain relationships with a few people who were very much not these things. Sounds like your friend is certainly not responsive, available or consistent.

It sounds a bit intense fir a new friendship, I would treat her similarly or drop her.

It's understandable that you reached out to someone dealing with the same issue for mutual support - but this isn't mutual. Just block her OP.

Oh I see, that’s not nice. Even a holding message would be better than being ignored. I think quite a few people make this mistake. Even to say I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I’ll message or call soon, take care. Sometimes people are genuinely busy and your don’t know what they’re doing. We’re all expected to reply to messages these days straightaway. Sometimes a reply needs thought and time. So sometimes it’s hard to know. Even my good friend does this, not about something like that. But she’ll often reply a few days later but I know she has a lot on her plate with family members. Having said that we therefore don’t really do text conversations. Can you see this person for a chat instead?

? It's a real person with children with the same illness as mine, she is real, on the forums, photos etc, has enough money of her own.
I have my friends irl, but as I said, they can't possibly relate

Bkock her

She obviously doesnt feel the same way as she ignores your requests for support.

I wouldn't mind that, but when she does finally reply, she doesn't acknowledge it and it's like it's all starting fresh and she talks about herself
Sometimes I wonder if she forgets...but every single time?

But it's ok to constantly message me with her problems....?

It’s so easy to get caught up in our own heads with these things, and we never truly know what is going on behind the scenes without talking directly. Airing grievances about a friend on a public forum isn't a kind way to handle things, and that's not how a real, loyal friendship works. If there's an issue, it's always better to speak directly as none of us know the full situation.

??

It isn't a true friendship though is it? and i'm really not the one being unkind here?!

If the point of starting a thread was just to get everyone to blindly agree with you rather than look at it objectively, then there's really no point to any of this.

It wasn't, it was to have advice about whether to confront/talk about it or just to let the friendship go. It wasn't to made to feel as though i'd done something wrong

If you genuinely want advice on whether to talk things out directly or let it go, getting defensive when people suggest talking directly isn't going to help you find clarity. All opinions on here are valid, and since I don't have the full context, your friend might be in the wrong or might not be, or you could both be, none of us know the full story, as we never do on MN. But for me, airing grievances about a friend on a public forum in this way isn't a kind way to handle things regardless. To my mind, that just isn't how a true friendship works.

It sounds like she doesn't have the capacity to support you, which is fine and understandable. She has children with complex health conditions, problems with her DH and who knows what else. I'm sure she has friends and family IRL. Someone she met online is not going to be her priority, if she's already supporting multiple people IRL she probably just has nothing left to give you. It sounds like you still benefit from being in contact with someone with that shared experience so I'd just carry on messaging but accept she can't give everything you want from her.

I wouldn’t cut this person off, but I wouldn’t classify them as a friend

I’ll be honest I agree with this perspective DarkchocolateAndtea I mean. OP you’re not in the wrong per se, but you are jumping to a lot of conclusions. If the friendship is worthwhile talk in person, arrange catch ups on the phone and ditch the texts. Sometimes receiving long text about difficulties mostly can be draining. Stick to using them to keep in touch, but don’t also base an entire friendship about what you’ve both got wrong in your lives. If you’re both just focussed on that or then just one of you, as the other persons situation has improved, you’ll drift apart and maybe this is what’s happening here.

Ok, thanks for that, not helpful or worth posting but ok
Have a nice day

I understand because i'm in exactly the same situation, child and relationship-it affects everything and have always been there for her, sometimes with messages for days on end until I could no longer as I was so overwhelmed. To not help really any time I need support in return does hurt and doesn't feel fair

'sometimes recieving long texts about problems can be draining'

Yes exactly! But I do this for her with so many of her problems, ive noticed she talks about herself 80% of the time. I'm not used to this with friendships so it's not for me as I end up feeling hurt each time ive been so supportive for so long and then if I feel down, it's radio silence

I wouldn't really call someone a friend if I'd never met them. Not in any kind of expectation type way at least. I would t cafe how long they take to respond to messages. I'd struggle to think too deeply about them to be honest.

I suppose it was just because we're both in a tough situation which most can't identify with, but yes I think you're probably right

It may be that the weight of her issues means she just doesn’t have the capacity to be the support you need her to be. I have some wonderful friends who have been an amazing support to me, and me to them, but there have been times where I have been so overwhelmed by my own life that taking the time, especially in the middle of the work day, to respond has just been too much.

Mind you, these have always been moments, not a pattern, and I’ve always explained this. Not quite the same.

No, you're not in the exact same situation. No two people ever are. You both have a child with the same condition, how it impacts the child will be different, how it impacts the two of you as parents will be different, you will both have different levels of resilience, different strengths and weaknesses, different support networks, different responsibilities outside of your children. Maybe you've over-identified with this person thinking you're exactly the same. That's not healthy. If you talk to her as if you are the same person she may find that overwhelming.

It's perfectly fine to form a bond with someone over one subject only. But outside of that you may well not have a huge amount in common.

Either way I wouldn't drop someone just for taking their time to reply to messages. I'm old school. Multiple texts per day to keep a friendship going is too much. I'd much rather meet up. So maybe that's why I see things like that. There is no expectation really from someone who's essentially a penpal.