Was it a bad idea to move in with my ex when he still loves me

[YourDreamyFox]

Me and my ex have always got on, we still love each other, although mine is more practical, more grounded, deeper, I would say his is more romeo and juliet, more cinematic, as I approached retirement, he suggested we move in together, it would mean him paying the bulk of the bills as I have a very small pension. I made it clear it would be as friends, so we took the plunge and now have a very nice house, a dog, a garden, etc. He works 16 hour days, 7 days a week, just as he did before we all moved in, I am enjoying retirement, everything at the start was great.

However, lately, the financial pressures of being the sole income are getting to him, I want us to have a good friendship, I do have some saved money but he refuses to let me dip into my savings, and is intent on covering all the expenses alone, but then he burns himself out and he is starting to look to me to emotionally support him, I find this hard, I have tried, but its not something I am good at, and I have never been good at it, I struggle with it, sometimes he says he needs a hug, a kiss, but i know it will end up more, the more I give, the more I know he will want, and that is not what was the initial suggestion. He is trying to ignite our relationship again, and all I want is friendship. I am quite happy to move out and find my own way, I just dont know what to do, or how to move forward.

Should I try, or should I point out that he knew how hard it would be when he made his offer and put his big boy pants on and get on with it as he did before we moved in,.

Im in my sixties, he is in his fifties, I am done with all the love stuff, the arguments, the compromising, I just thought we would be two friends living together and doing our own thing. HELP.

no, I am not, I have blunty told him I will never be able to love him, and if he wants that he needs me to move out and find someone that can, I am fully prepared to move out, which only makes him upset, as he wants to find a way to make this work, I do too, but in my heart, I think I will end up moving out, I cannot live like this, so no one is stringing anyone along, I am just disappointed that has lied to himself about his feelings, it could have saved a lot of heartache and trouble if he had been honest from the start, now I have to uproot again and I have lost my best friend as well.

I currently contribute about £1000 a month from my work pension, I get my state pension next month, but I suppose he pays 80% of all the bills, at which point it will be about 60%...

Do I understand this correctly? Currently you contribute £1000 a month which equates to 20% of all the bills, with him paying 80% i.e. £4000. So the total for all bills is £5000?

Do you live in a mansion with a heated swimming pool and shop exclusively at Fortnum & Mason?

I don't understand why you'd move in with someone and not pay half of the bills.
You act like you didn't have a choice but you could have refused to move in until it was all 50/50.

I am sorry but you are a complete idiot - he literally has you wrapped around his little finger because your very existence is dependent on him allowing you to live there.

You stupidly thought that you could have your cake and eat it too.
And he thought he'd give you this lovely life, that would be difficult to leave and then you'd have no option but to start a relationship up.

He is already asking for hugs and you know it will escalate.
Have you never heard of the saying - no such thing as a free lunch?

He basically sees you as a prostitute.
He is paying for you to have a relationship with him.

The only way you could ever get out of this is moving out.
He is not going to stop wanting more with you because that is why he is allowing you to live there free of charge.

It was always gonna be a bad move. You saw it as a practical arrangement. He said that he had feelings, but lied (at least to himself) about coming to terms with it.
End it now, live separate lives and just move on.

no but prices for rents in the South are around £2400, once you have added council tax, insurance, his expenses, insurances, and mine, vets bills, its over 4K a month

Some background to explain why he did this, when we were together, for many years we lived off my income, as his business was failing, then, he was in the position I am in, at one point, when we had split up, he asked me for my life savings to help him, which I gave without question, it was in his bank account 10 mins later, he always said that when the time came, he would look after me, so although I expected nothing back, he was adamant that he would keep his promise, which is another reason I ended up here,

You are incredibly naive thinking this would ever work.

Where were you living before you moved in together?
You must have been able to afford it then?

Are you legally single? If you can't afford your own accommodation in the area you'll need to move.
If you're not on the deeds of the property you urgently need to secure your own home and financial independence.

I rented as I was working, he convinced me to take early retirement before my actual pension was due, and move in, I was not keen, but given our history, I trusted him.

I don't think we can blame him for wanting her to have a back up plan. If she lost that he would feel even more responsible for her.

So you ‘reluctantly’ took really retirement, and you ‘reluctantly’ moved in with an ex who’s still in love with you.

Why not reluctantly take responsibility for your own decisions?

Stop acting like you have absolutely no say over your own life.

This entire thread you have pretended that he has made you do things - give up work, not pay bills etc

You have to take responsibility for your own actions.
This is all your own doing and you are the only person that can change what is happening.

Crazy. This was always going to end in tears.

“Sometimes he needs a hug”

we all do OP. Friends do, and true friends give them without a second thought.
you are spiting yourself by consciously being so insular.

you don’t want compromise, what DO you want? How do you want to live and how will you spend your time?

you seem to be self destructing and I’m not sure why.

He is a kind and good man, he is Spanish, I think culturally love has a different meaning, Im pushing 70, I've worked all my life, to be love is companionship, getting along, going for walks with the dog, and being equal, thats what I wanted, I would have happily waited for that until my income and pensions were in order, he is passionate, fiery, impulsive, we are very different, I have lost count of the amount of times I made it clear that I was incapable of being what he wanted, although I was 20 years ago, we spent years on my income alone, and life was hard, business after business failed, he drank far too much then, but I still loved him, and supported him, its really not as cut and dry as some of you might think, we have both taken and given to each other over the years, the issue now is how do we proceed.

OP it was very kind of you to give him your life savings. And probably not the wisest decision but it's done now. Neither of you seem to have much common sense. It wouldn't have been hard for you to know he would find this arrangement difficult if you knew that he loved you in a romantic way. However he absolutely should respect whatever boundaries you have laid out and not pressure you for more intimacy dressed up as emotional support. That's really poor behaviour on his part. What if you were to meet someone else? This is all potentially so messy. Can he not arrange a repayment plan that would allow you to live alone? I'm sorry to say but I think half of the problem here may be that you have pets you can't afford.

I am happy to hug him, always, but when I look into his eyes I just see hurt, and I dont want to be the cause of that, I have a complete say over my own life, that is why I have posted this, as I do have a choice

yes we have a dog we both love dearly

Start looking for a small rental property. Even a studio flat.

It could be in the same area as you live now.

Yes, I couldn’t kiss a friend. It’s odd that he expects you to be able to. Tell him your feelings on this and let him decide if he’s happy to continue living with you as friends only. If not, move out.

Am I wrong for just wanting him to love me as I love him and contribute 40% of the cost of the house? Because I have left my job, I have no money of my own, I have to ask for everything, he does not make it awkward or difficult any more than I did when he was in that position, but nevertheless, all I want is to spend my last years with my best friend and pay my way equally, and for both of us to enjoy our dog, am I so bad for wanting that?

16 hours a day 7 days a week?

He doesn’t love you as you love him though. You’re being cruel to him.

You aren’t bad for wanting it, but it’s not what he wants. You’re each just hoping that you can bend the other into what each of you wants this relationship to be. Do you really want to live for the next however many years under this strange dynamic? Surely you’d have more peace of mind in your own little home, no compromises, no awkwardness around feelings, no having to reject him when he asks for hugs or kisses, and carry on whatever friendship you think you want from him at distance and when you choose.