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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was it a bad idea to move in with my ex when he still loves me

76 replies

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 09:43

Me and my ex have always got on, we still love each other, although mine is more practical, more grounded, deeper, I would say his is more romeo and juliet, more cinematic, as I approached retirement, he suggested we move in together, it would mean him paying the bulk of the bills as I have a very small pension. I made it clear it would be as friends, so we took the plunge and now have a very nice house, a dog, a garden, etc. He works 16 hour days, 7 days a week, just as he did before we all moved in, I am enjoying retirement, everything at the start was great.

However, lately, the financial pressures of being the sole income are getting to him, I want us to have a good friendship, I do have some saved money but he refuses to let me dip into my savings, and is intent on covering all the expenses alone, but then he burns himself out and he is starting to look to me to emotionally support him, I find this hard, I have tried, but its not something I am good at, and I have never been good at it, I struggle with it, sometimes he says he needs a hug, a kiss, but i know it will end up more, the more I give, the more I know he will want, and that is not what was the initial suggestion. He is trying to ignite our relationship again, and all I want is friendship. I am quite happy to move out and find my own way, I just dont know what to do, or how to move forward.

Should I try, or should I point out that he knew how hard it would be when he made his offer and put his big boy pants on and get on with it as he did before we moved in,.

Im in my sixties, he is in his fifties, I am done with all the love stuff, the arguments, the compromising, I just thought we would be two friends living together and doing our own thing. HELP.

OP posts:
Moros · 22/08/2026 09:45

Yes, that was a very bad idea. You need to move out and pay your own way rather than leeching off of him.

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 09:46

As I said, I have offered to pay my own way, from my savings, but he refuses. His suggestion is that I may need that if this does not work out.

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 22/08/2026 09:47

It was never going to work, you're describing a marriage essentially where one person is supported kn that way. Friends don't usually live like this. He's wrong to push for more but it wasn't wise for you to think it could be any other way.

When you say "we" moved in, any kids?

Burningbud1981 · 22/08/2026 09:47

@YourDreamyFoxI just thought we would be two friends living together and doing our own thing. HELP.

Well your not are you? You’re leeching off of him. He must really love you to have agreed to this arrangement.

VestibuleWeaver · 22/08/2026 09:48

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 09:46

As I said, I have offered to pay my own way, from my savings, but he refuses. His suggestion is that I may need that if this does not work out.

Well, it isn't working out. Time to get your own place.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 22/08/2026 09:48

You're exploiting him.

Yewlez · 22/08/2026 09:48

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 22/08/2026 09:48

You're exploiting him.

I agree.

Imisscoffee2021 · 22/08/2026 09:50

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 09:46

As I said, I have offered to pay my own way, from my savings, but he refuses. His suggestion is that I may need that if this does not work out.

He's holding you to ransom... "keep your savings as if this doesn't work out how I want it to, you'll have to move out".

scoobysnaxx · 22/08/2026 09:50

If he loves you this isn’t going to work out.
you need to make plans to leave to protect the friendship if you can and also have peace in retirement. Or it’s going to get very messy and complicated and end badly.

also, how can one work 16 hours a day everyday?!

HumptyDump · 22/08/2026 09:50

Move out. It’s not fair on him to be taking on so much for nothing in return. You don’t have to give him anything but leeching isn’t okay

Marroon · 22/08/2026 09:50

Why on earth is he the sole earner in a friendship?
This is so bizarre, you need to move out.

SecretSquid · 22/08/2026 09:51

Yes. Bad idea as you are now finding out.

Doseofreality · 22/08/2026 09:51

Terrible idea to move in with him. Terrible person to take advantage of his vulnerability and kindness.

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 09:51

I currently contribute about £1000 a month from my work pension, I get my state pension next month, but I suppose he pays 80% of all the bills, at which point it will be about 60%, he pushed harder for this than me, I was extremely reluctant and would rather have waited until my full pension came through.

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 22/08/2026 09:54

Friends and housemates have separate finances. You are in a sexless relationship

HorseandHeron · 22/08/2026 09:55

16 hour days? 7 days a week? Not even time to bathe eat and sleep?

If you are his friend, the least you should do is insist he cuts his hours by 75%. He's working three full time jobs a week. Unless this is a mistake or a wind up. And immediately act as his PA, ensuring he gets regular medical, eye, dental checks etc.

The next thing you should do is all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, admin and gardening so his home is a tranquil haven, his clothes ironed, his fridge stocked, with his favourite food cooking and his favourite music playing as he walks through the door.

If you don't do all this for him, you are leeching and no friend.

But really – 16 hour days, 7 days a week? He'll drop dead.

Moros · 22/08/2026 09:58

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 09:46

As I said, I have offered to pay my own way, from my savings, but he refuses. His suggestion is that I may need that if this does not work out.

It's not working out, is it? So it's time for you to go.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/08/2026 10:00

You can’t have a friendship and housemate situation with somebody who still loves you and wants this to turn into a relationship again, and is essentially trying to buy your love. You know you’re taking advantage of him and have no intention of starting the relationship he wants - just find your own place and move out and have the life you want in your own space.

Moros · 22/08/2026 10:01

Imisscoffee2021 · 22/08/2026 09:50

He's holding you to ransom... "keep your savings as if this doesn't work out how I want it to, you'll have to move out".

Oh please. He's not holding her to ransom, he's putting a roof over her head and food on the table.

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 10:06

Yes he does work those hours, he loves what he does, so its not work for him, he is quite happy to get up at 4am, start work, and work right through to the evening, he hates holidays, always has, hates the cinema, going out, even sitting watching tv, so its not really work, its was his hobby when he was a boy, and he has turned it into a good business, that is not really the issue, as that is his issue, the issue is he won't accept my money, and I have tried and argued with him, I ask him what I can do, and he just wants us as we were 20 years ago, but how can I be, I was very very reluctant to retire early as I did not wish to be dependent on anyone, but its happened and now its too late, when someone who appears that strong suggests something like this, I guess you do not expect them to suddenly asking for affection, or physical comfort that is outside of friendship

OP posts:
Elieza · 22/08/2026 10:06

once you get your pension youll be hundreds of pounds better off so he can cut his hours and you can pay more into the household. It won't be using your savings so it’ll be fine.

however staying with someone who clearly thinks if he wears you down by showing you his love and devotion you will date him again - when you know you will not, seems cruel.

You have to be honest. That you love him like a brother or whatever ypu feel but you dont see yourself kissing him again.

After that you can see how he feels. Not sure staying together is ideal. however if you’re both on the same page…

Minasama · 22/08/2026 10:07

This seems like a very bad idea. I am not quite sure how you felt it was fair to move in with someone who still loves you.

You should move out and start working the number of hours you need to provide for yourself.

You certainly don’t get to have a go at him because he is providing a roof over your head while you appear to contribute minimally.

Where did you get the idea that someone else should provide you a living and you get to dictate anything to them? Or that he should work 16 hours a day and you not? Why aren’t you equalling his efforts?

Let’s switch this around - If you were my ex boyfriend I’d tell you to take a hike, not worry about how I’d try to provide for you.

YourDreamyFox · 22/08/2026 10:11

before we moved in, he confessed he had feelings, I made it clear I did not, and that if he could not reconcile them, we really should not move in, he assured me that he had come to terms with them, and that we would be good friends and nothing more, its just lately, the work pressures appear to be pushing him to find comfort, and I have every sympathy, I know things will be better next month as my total pensions will then be nearly 2k, and yes, with my savings, I could live alone, I really have done everything I could not to get into this current situation, I dont know whether to compromise, move out, or wait till next month so the pressure stops so that we can be friends again

OP posts:
lalalagarden · 22/08/2026 10:11

I suspect you don’t want to move out as you like the set up in principle of the nice house and bills paid. Awful concept and it will just get worse.

lalalagarden · 22/08/2026 10:13

It would be cruel to stay. You’re stringing him along.