…to be annoyed that my eating habits are a lifelong topic of conversation?

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I grew up in a house where food was always an issue. Typical 1980s mother constantly joining and rejoining Slimming World, cabbage soup diet, Jane Fonda videos. Father with a very bizarre approach to food (not diagnosed but I’m pretty sure he’s neurodivergent and had related food issues). He has spent most of his life yo-yoing between overweight and then very restricted eating and underweight.

I was overweight as a child. Big reliance in the house on very processed beige food. Big family so always lots of food cooked and it was easy to have massive portions.

I was overweight as a teen and young adult, and obese as an adult.

My weight has always been a hot topic for my parents. My father, in particular, would always be vocal, especially when he was eating in a very restricted manner. I remember him once hitting a yogurt out of my hand because he felt I’d had enough to eat already that day. As a result, I would sneak chocolate into my bedroom and eat in secret.

Without exaggeration, I can say that there was a reference to my weight every single day of my life while I lived at home. Even once I moved out, I’d constantly be asked on phone calls what I’d eaten or if I’d lost any weight.
Every single occasion in my life was focused on my weight. I purposely didn’t invite my mother to look at wedding dresses with me because I knew what would happen.

Anyway, such is life. I’ve now lost the weight and am fit and healthy. I eat very well and have a very balanced and sensible diet, and have been able to maintain a healthy weight for the last few years, and have improved my overall relationship with food, so I’m happy with that.

I’m currently visiting them. All they’ve spoken about all week long is my weight, and what I’m eating. Apparently I’m “too thin” (no, I’m not in any way “thin”), I don’t eat enough (I’ve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day), I’ve “gone too far” with my diet (nope, perfectly standard BMI and clothes size- if anything, I’m at the higher end of the normal BMI scale, but it works well with my build).

I’m now constantly being offered food. I decline and I’m tutted at, and being told that I haven’t eaten a bite. Tonight I was eating my dinner and being offered sandwiches, steaks, soup. Even at my heaviest, I’d never have eaten the quantities of food they’re currently pushing on me. I had a biscuit earlier and was told I should have three more because I always liked biscuits.

Yesterday, we went on a day out with my bother and his family and my mother spent a long time telling him that I’m too thin and clearly have an eating disorder. He knows what they’re like and didn’t engage, but she kept going. He eventually pointed out that it’s amazing I didn’t develop an eating disorder because they’ve been so awful about my weight my entire life.

I repeatedly ask them to stop talking about my weight and body, but they don’t. They are quite elderly and have health issues now so I do tend to back down a bit more than I would like. I have pulled away from them an awful lot over the years (well before I lost weight) because I was always just so tired of my body constantly being their number one topic. At this stage, I just tune as much of it out as I can and grey rock them.

I’m just tired and bored of the same conversation my entire life. I’m also annoyed that, being harangued my entire life for being overweight, I’m now being criticized for NOT being overweight.

Just posting for a rant really.

You’ve survived them and they don’t/cant/wont understand. Keep them at arms length. I’m glad your brother has your back.

well done.

Can i ask, have you asked calmly, or snapped, or have you REALLY LOST YOUR TEMPER.
Because ive found that unfortunately some people are so obtuse and oblivious that its like their brain doesnt actually work to make the 'I say xx = this person's upset = i shouldnt say xx' connection unless you give their brain a big negative reaction to connect their action to. 'I say xx = BIG REACTION = DO NOT SAY IT' (you might get some snide comments about overreacting or guilt trips in the meantime)
You see it in romantic relationships - partner A doesnt think the other person's upset over a topic they've discussed multiple time unless partner B shouts/cries. Its like their brain doesnt pick up on the subtlety.
What did they say when you asked them to stop before?
I have had to lose my temper on one of my parents for them to stop making comments about other people's bodies, im so sorry you have had to deal witht this shit directed at you.

It's emotional abuse. Sounds like you went through an awful chidhood. Well done in maintaining a healthy weight. It's what you think and feel that matters. Problem is, you've become so intwined with it. Did you ever feel that therapy would help?

My mother was the same. A 70s and 80s childhood with her always doing the latest fads and obsessing that I was overweight, which I was. But I haven’t been for many years and then it shifted to I was too thin - I am at the lower end of a normal BMI but I’ve always hidden weight well so I suppose I look underweight. There’ll be a straw that breaks your back - mine was at a funeral so I was wearing black (already a “slimming” colour) and the first thing she said to me was that I looked like I was dying. At a funeral. I let rip at her afterwards and she hasn’t mentioned it again.

‘Pot, kettle.’ And then walk away.

My DF is like this. He says some bloody awful things and he only gets the message if you cry or really yell at him.

As much as I’d love to, it doesn’t work with them. They’re very difficult people and they’d happily twist it to tell everyone how touchy I am about my weight. I have lost my temper with them very the years but they seem to like the reaction so I don’t give it to them anymore.

They’re my parents and I love them, but they’re incredibly difficult people.
Funnily though, they don’t get on with each other so when they have a common interest (eg, my body!), they really lean into it.

I’m sorry your parents are like this. My mum’s the same and I ended up with a binge eating disorder (which she doesn’t believe is a real thing).

The only thing I’ve found works is saying “I’m not discussing food/my eating habits/my body with you” every single time she brings it up. It doesn’t completely stop her but it prevents me getting drawn into distressing conversations I don’t want to have and she brings it up less now than she used to.

Ooh that's really tricky.
Have you tried looking really weirded out/disgusted and going 'its really weird you keep bringing this up' 'there you go being weird again...' 'you're being weird again' repeat repeat, like a grey rock approach?
Sounds like they'll be awful about it either way but I have found people like this really dont like being accused of being weird either, really gets their backs up. Might make them feel the pain?
Actually, in that thread, could you give it right back?
'You're too thin'
'Funny you should mention it as I was thinking you were too fat/thin'
Like, will they get it if they feel it themselves? Or would it just bounce off them.
Aware im throwing solutions out when you came for a rant though, sorry. It drives me mad this behaviour, its so rude and it makes me not want to spend time with people (and i did actually say that to my parent)
I have managed to let go of caring what they say to other people about me because if they say im sensitive to other people in front of me I have said 'im not sensitive, you just say rude things to me' and let everyone sit in the awkwardness that follows, but im really at the end of my bloody tether and couldnt give a shit if they stop speaking to me or not (other issues) its a lot harder when you do actually want things to be okay. Its just sad isnt it, that they dont see how this could be hurtful.

Wow, that is worth leaning back from. I had the mother you describe (and she did as number on me as we have the same body shape - the body she clearly hated 🙄) but my dad didn’t get involved.

Do you have any boundaries in this context? Is there anything they could say that would result in you setting a boundary of some sort? As in, ‘if you comment on what I’m eating or what I look like, I will leave’ and then do it? You can’t stop them doing this, you can decide how much you are willing to take and when you walk away. You don’t need to get into an argument or try and convince them you are right: just state your boundary and follow through.

Do they do the same to your brother?
Why do you care what they might say to other people?

I'd be very tempted to say, 'Yeah - you only say this because you are really fat, Mum' every time she said I was underweight. And then laugh.

Or to your Dad - 'Blimey, you've got a nerve, Dad. You've spent your entire life swinging between obese and underweight because you've got issues'.

Be as rude as they are.

My mum is a bit like this, not as bad as you describe, but bad enough that eating out with them is unpleasant and I bring spare food for the kids if we’re at theirs for more than one meal.

Im a normal weight, and have been all my life, so it’s not even routed in any sort of concern etc.

I managed to reduce (but not eliminate) it with regular patronising explanations of “I know things were different in your day, but we don’t comment on people’s weights” and she’d say things like “but we need to be honest with family” and I’d say something like “I think it’s probably generational mum, and it’s harder for you to remember because you’re older, but it’s still hurtful if we comment on family’s bodies so we don’t do it”.

I know the type. I wasn't the one in the family that got the brunt of it because I naturally stayed lean as a child. I did secretly eat as a teenager to eat enough food because I was still expected to eat tiny child/ dainty lady portions not sate my growth spurt appetite. Another family member was constantly bitched about as a cautionary tale.

DM's constant focus on thiness, restricted food and being lady-like (no sweaty exercise, the horror!) has probably exacerbated her decades of arthritis ruining her mobility and old age.

I'm low contact, not because of the diet/ weight obsession but because she's relentlessly negative, and critical over most things. (Plus the poor decisions that have limited her quality of life and hypocrisy over things like still whinging that my bedroom was untidy as a teenager when it's now hoarded and a stinking cat bio-hazard)

Family should be about mutually positive relationships, not duty to those constantly grinding you down without caring.

This type are often misogynistic too, or play hierachies/ favouritism within the family.

Tell them you are not going to discuss your body or eating habits with them, and if they raise the topic you will end the visit (or phone call, or whatever). Then do it - every time.

Failing that, be rude right back. I had a grandmother who felt the need to point it out every time I had a spot as a teen - had pretty good results telling her how old / wrinkly she was looking (mirroring her tone, volume, pointing etc). Harass them relentlessly about their dress sense or something and talk loudly about how touchy they are if they object.