AIBU to want to move home after living abroad, largely to be close to friend?

[OneCalamitylater]

Bit of background, me and my partner (together 5 years) moved abroad together 18 months ago, it was somewhere he'd wanted to live for years and honestly I was fully on board, excited even, new adventure etc. And it's been good, I'm not going to pretend it's been miserable, I've made friends, we've got a lovely little place, work is fine, I really have been happy here. Even factoring in the obvious negatives of being away from family and everything, before all this I'd have said I was leaning towards us settling here properly, kids, roots, the whole thing.
Anyway we went home about 3 months ago to see both our families, and while we were back I saw my best friend, who'd actually been living abroad herself for almost a year before moving back. Since that trip I've had this feeling that's just kept building, not a "just got back and feeling homesick" thing because it's been 3 months now and if anything it's stronger, that I want to move home. Properly move home, not just visit.
It's not one single reason, wanting to be near family again is a big part of it, and a few other things too, but if I'm honest with myself a genuinely huge chunk of it is wanting to actually have my best friend in my life in person again, not just calls and voice notes and one trip a year. When I picture the life I want, he's very much in it, we're together, that's not even a question really.... But I also want her there, in my actual day to day life, and if that's not possible I think I'd genuinely grieve it. I already feel a weird sort of grief just thinking about it if that makes sense. So I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads and I don't love that feeling. Does that make me sound like I want to have my cake and eat it? Is that an unreasonable way to feel?
I brought this up with my boyfriend gently, I want to be really clear I did not say "we need to move back right now" or give any kind of ultimatum, I just tried to explain honestly that this feeling isn't going away and I think it's only going to get stronger the longer we stay. He did not take it well. Said it was "weird" and that "no one moves their whole life for a friend." Then it got a bit more pointed, he said maybe I need to think about who I actually want to build a future with, because it clearly isn't him if a friendship matters more, and that if I really loved him the way he loves me this wouldn't even be a conversation we were having.
I love him, genuinely, and I feel awful that this is upsetting him, I really don't want to hurt him. But I also don't really know what to do because the feeling is just so strong and it isn't shifting. Am I being unreasonable for even raising this? Or is he right and I've got my priorities wrong?

I think you were wrong to frame it as wanting to live by your best friend, I think what you really miss is feeling like you have people who know you deeply (beyond your partner) and that is family and best friends. FWIW I have lived abroad and made those kind of friends there, they are now dispersed around the world and it’s heartwrenching at times to know that my friendship soulmates are seas away, but I also don’t want/can’t move to their countries and have a meaningful life here. There isn’t really a solution for you if your partner doesn’t want to leave and you do, except for splitting up. If you don’t want to do that then you have your answer but be extremely careful and think deeply about this before having kids. When you do you will need that village back home in ways you can’t imagine now and you may well be trapped where you are now and unable to move home.

Thank you for this, really thoughtful reply. Just to be clear I didn't frame it to him quite like "I want to live near my best friend" out of nowhere, it started with me telling him I needed to talk seriously about wanting to move home, and then obviously the reasons came up in conversation and I was honest that seeing my friend on that trip had been significant.
I totally get your interpretation, and I think you're probably right that a big part of this is missing having people who know me deeply in my day to day life, not just him. But I also don't think it's only that, if that makes sense. Like the actual idea of not having her as a physical presence in my life feels almost as (maybe even equally, although its hard to compare), as heartwrenching as the idea of not having him. She's not interchangeable with "family and friends in general" to me, if that makes sense like i think maybe it really is specifically her.
And yes, the kids thing is a huge part of why this is weighing on me so much. I know full well there might not be a resolution here if he's dead set on staying and I still feel like this in a year, two years, whenever we're actually thinking about that. That's honestly the scariest part of all this for me.

What if your friend moves again?

My best friend moved abroad nearly 10 years ago and it has been absolutely heartbreaking. It’s not so much living far away as the time zone thing - we used to be in touch all the time. We’d share good moments, bad, bored. We just chatted a lot. Now we can only really speak maybe once a month…between having kids and a big time difference…it’s so rarely a good time.

She does visit a lot and over the years this has got better. In the early days, I found it so upsetting when she left again that it almost wasn’t worth it. But now that she comes twice a year and we’ve got used to that rhythm it is ok.

We wouldn’t move tho, each of our lives works where we are. But it is a sadness that we both live with. I have lots of friendships btw and many of them close but she is like my sister.

Not sure that I’m making a point other than to say, I do get how a specific friendship can mean that much to you. Give it some time. You will worth out the right choice for you.

As someone previously said, what if your friend moves again? So, don't do the big move "back home" unless it's genuinely for you. People change and move around. You can't guarantee the life you want will be there for you once you get there.

You haven't said where you are thinking about moving back to, but, wherever it is, it's easier to do it after 18 months, then much later. If you are young and not married, and no children yet, it's easier still. I would caution you: do not get married and do not have children unless you are prepared to stay where you are indefinitely. Some countries will not allow you to move away and take your children without the father's permission.

I moved from the US to the UK in the 1980s, and have never moved back. Life took over, and now it's too late for me (I have a pre-existing condition that I would never be able to afford private health insurance for, am ineligible for Medicare, and am retired now, so unlikely to be able to get health insurance through a job if I moved back). It's not where I thought I would be in my 60s, but that's life.

Don't do what I have done and wait too late to go back, unless you LOVE living where you are, and have decided you are never going back. It doesn't sound like this is you. Life can take some very unexpected turns, and being so far away from family gets harder and harder the older you get.

It's a huge adventure when you're young and it's only been a year or two. The adventure wears off pretty quickly, and you then just have normal life in a place you may or may not feel like you belong in. Spending nearly 40 years in a place you don't want to be is not an adventure.

I would advise that if you think you will EVER want to move "back home" then do it now. Make your own decisions, don't wait for circumstances to make those decisions for you, or you could end up stuck.

If I had it all to do over, I would never have left the US. For better or for worse.

But I also would not be the person I am now.

I have moved around a lot. And have learned that (for me, anyway) it's not a good idea to move for the sake of a person. As PP have said, what if they move again?

I'd think about what you want in a broader sense.

She isn't planning on it, of course, that doesn't mean it will never happen but it doesn't seem likely anytime soon if ever again. And then im thinking even if it were to happen , I'd have had some more time/years with the kind of life im thinking about rather than none at all

I just tried to explain honestly that this feeling isn't going away and I think it's only going to get stronger the longer we stay. He did not take it well. Said it was "weird" and that "no one moves their whole life for a friend." Then it got a bit more pointed, he said maybe I need to think about who I actually want to build a future with, because it clearly isn't him if a friendship matters more, and that if I really loved him the way he loves me this wouldn't even be a conversation we were having.

OP, just rereading your post, and I think this reads as a separate issue. It doesn't seem to me that he is thinking about your relationship here, but mostly about himself. What I mean to say, is that it sounds to me that his worry is not that the two of you might need to move back, but more that you want something that isn't him. He sounds very jealous and insecure. Or he may just be worried, and has worded things badly.

However: I just tried to explain honestly that this feeling isn't going away and I think it's only going to get stronger the longer we stay.

If this is really how you feel, then you should probably start thinking about making plans to go, whether or not he wants to. This is your life. Do not stay in a foreign country for someone else. It is beyond what anyone who loves you would expect you to do. It doesn't mean you don't love him, but if you stay for him, and things don't work out between you (believe me, I've been there!), or if you get ill, you may never be able to move back after that. Then you could end up stuck and on your own, with no family, in a place you don't want to be.

That's the worst of both worlds!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, you feel how you feel , connections are important , and I believe significant relationships that people make life decisions around outside of their partner are legitimate

Living abroad is a great brave adventure to try. Well done for doing it. Committing to staying permanently is a whole different thing. It doesn’t have to hinge on your best friend or any one person. It’s doesn’t have to be explained really. You can just say hey loved this adventure and I am ready to go home now. Home is home. There is nothing to debate to the nth detail. Definitely do it before kids and not after as it makes it much more complicated. Follow your gut on this.

His response is immature and not empathetic at all. Hopefully after a day or two to think about it he will be more open to it. If not better you know now and can be rid of him and his manipulative behaviour.