“Is it really worth throwing your relationship / family away for?” Cheating partner

[Postpartum26]

AIBU to hate when someone gets cheated on, wether it be a kiss, emotional only or full blown affair and others will ask them if leaving their cheating partner is worth losing their family over or long term relationship over.

To me, the person cheating is the one who risked losing this for. Not the victim of being cheated on.

I see this a lot on threads, and I’ve heard it being said in real life.

YABU - It’s silly to split your family up or relationship over and you should try and work through things.

YANBU - You’re not being silly, the person who cheated is in the wrong and is the one that has torn the family or your relationship apart.

(for background I haven’t been cheated on, but my friend has received a lot of these comments and I think it’s mad)

You're not wrong. The only answer to a statement like that is "no, I didn't want to throw away my family at all. But the other person who cheated did, so there's that".

Absolutely, the person being cheated on did not throw their family away, the person cheating did that when they breached the trust in the relationship!

Having sufficient self worth to leave a cheating partner is not throwing your family away, it’s the natural consequence of the actions of the cheating partner who, in fact, is responsible for the consequences of his choices.

Generally speaking sure but define an emotional affair?

Sleeping with someone else everyone in a relationship knows is a relationship ender. But at what point are you having an emotional affair?

It's messed-up. I still can't believe that in the heat of the moment, I thought that myself and gave him another chance for the sake of ds. Obviously he cheated again. I still feel like a mug. And also sad for ds. Probably won't ever tell him what actually happened.

To me an emotional affair is an affair that got found out before they shagged. My exh tried to say that he didnt actually 'cheat' on me and it was 'just' emotional. But the content of their messages and his attitude towards me, it was clear it was just a matter of time. He moved in with her 3 weeks after we split! 5 years in they have split up as....he had an affair!

It's hard to say. If the cheating happened just because the cheater could t keep themselves to themselves then it is their fault. But often people cheat due to problems in the relationship. It's a symptom. For example my uncle cheated because his wife had a drink problem that she wouldn't address. Yes, maybe my uncle should have left but it was a very difficult situation but he found solace elsewhere. It's easy to see things in black and white but there are grey areas.

If you don't have any children, it is no brainer, even if you have been married for 20+ years, you just leave the cheater. End of. It is more difficult when children are involved. I know of some circumstances where a woman who got cheated on left the marriage and it destroyed her children's lives by doing so - her husband was useless, but his parents were mega-rich, paid for the children's schooling and everything else. She left him, he was officially a freelance photographer, so no money there and his parents begged her not to divorce, and after she refused they stopped paying for the grandchildren, she tried for bursaries, but it did not work. She has a good job, but nowhere near enough money to pay for their previous life style. She is kicking herself now, blaming herself for divorcing him.

I dunno. Those grandparents sound like grade A arseholes. Probably better off out of it.

Well, yes, of course this is a ridiculous thing to say. 😂 A lot of people seem to get a sense of superiority or security from siding with the ‘bad guy’. It’s triangulation.

My mum has done horrifically abusive and manipulative things to me and my children. We are NC. The number of times I’ve gotten ‘but she’s your mum!’. I can guarantee no one has ever said, ‘but she’s your child! How could you throw that relationship away?!’

People also don’t like disruption. They tend to want things to stay the same, look good on the outside, everything be smoothed over. The person who has done the wrong is unlikely to make it right, so the pressure goes on the person who has been hurt just to suck it up and keep the peace so everyone else can be comfortable.

Circumstances are everything - a drunken kiss at a conference which they owned up to and are both sorry and ashamed of vs a full on affair, not the first one even … quite different!

I can't agree more - they are evil, truly evil people, but she majorly regrets it now - she was telling me how her dc respective classes organised a card, signed by everyone in their classes, 'wishing you best of luck' or whatever else it was, when she withdrew her children after bursaries did not work out. They still see those grandparents and go to their villa in the summer, where they see the new wife and his new baby. She also is very bitter that 'she threw away all the inheritance from that side of the family' - her words, not mine. And her own family are poor and dysfunctional, so she is not much in contact with them.

Yes you are so right! No one ever says “but she’s your child” do they?!

They are entirely different but I don’t know… I still think kissing a colleague at a conference and owning up is still reasonable valid reason to break up. You lose the trust, you wonder if he / she fancied the collegue or client before, you spiral, you can’t forget.

It might just be a kiss but I think it’s still a big betrayal of trust

But surely the problem here isn’t that the woman left her cheating partner, but that her children’s dad and his parents are controlling assholes who didn’t care about their grandchildren.

Unfortunately, the problem is her pride, the problem is her. Had she stayed with him, her children would have not suffered mentally. We have to look at immediate causes, not the root causes. It is akin to a driver causing an accident, but it was due to a rubbish job done by a mechanic when servicing the car - the driver is responsible, even though obviously it is the negligent mechanic's fault.

This

I'm nc with my whole family (they took her side) and if I had a quid for everytime I've heard 'but she's your mum!' I'd be very rich

I often say that 'if she was a boyfriend,you'd be asking me why I'm with him and taking his abuse?'

Oddly,one brave soul DID say 'but she's your child!'

And she got back 'and she's a silly bitch who's hurt me badly and I want nothing to do with her!'

This was accepted!I'm the one to blame for not putting up with her abuse!

There again,the mask is firmly on and the rest of them back her up so all good for them and their image

I remember when a boyfriend cheated on me (with my best friend) and somehow this was all MY fault

Not him for being unable to keep it in his pants,not hers for knowing I was with him and still fucking him,not her mother for knowing and enabling them to tear each other's clothes off at every opportunity but mine for not doing more to keep him!

It was all my fault (again) when they broke up 6 weeks after he left me

(they'd been fucking all the way through my pregnancy and until baby was 5 months old)

God knows what mental gymnastics that took,but that was my my fault too

"People also don’t like disruption. They tend to want things to stay the same, look good on the outside, everything be smoothed over. The person who has done the wrong is unlikely to make it right, so the pressure goes on the person who has been hurt just to suck it up and keep the peace so everyone else can be comfortable."

This is the core of it. Even close friends and family can spout the most ridiculous advice because they feel more comfortable with the people around them living their lives in the way that they're used to.

Disruption happens, it's part of life. Children experience multiple disruptions; siblings being born, moving house, relatives dying, going to school etc. Divorce or separation doesn't need to be the catastrophe that people fear it is.

It’s so very easy for people to just say ‘leave’. When they’re not in it or been through it. The judgement is horrendous. People telling you what you ‘should’ be doing is fucking awful.

Even close friends and family can spout the most ridiculous advice because they feel more comfortable with the people around them living their lives in the way that they're used to.

People like to be socially comfortable. Which is why friends and family of the person who caused the hurt don’t really hold them accountable. Because being socially comfortable is easier.

Seems there's more comments the other way IRL, like it's wrong to give someone a second chance. I know it's not the same as I don't think they had kids, but even back when Cheryl Cole was apparently cheated on, some people acted like they had the right to tell her she couldn't give him a second chance.

It is true most people wouldn't want to break up the family for one mistake, and there have been marriages which survived, but I guess they must change? As in, things like not calling if you're going to be late wouldn't bother me, but someone who had been cheated on-the automatic trust etc isn't there.

YANBU but everyone has different tolerance.

Personally I consider cheating a hard line that means that trust is completely broken. I’m not a hoarder, if something is irreparably broken I throw it in the bin immediately.

However, I do know plenty of people who have stayed together through infidelity. The ones who think they can ‘fix’ things seem generally unhappy and usually end up splitting eventually. The ones who just decide to turn a blind eye and accept cheating (usually for financial reasons) seem ok with their decision.

It is a betrayal of trust for sure but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily insurmountable. Totally depends on so many things.

Becoming an alcoholic, going into debt, making some crap choices that impact the family can all be betrayals of trust but people don’t always demand that they are 100% the end for the relationship.

There is a massive spectrum on this question . I have some skin in this game I might add as my ex husband cheated on me and we are not together . If someone sleeps with someone else I have always thought there are several points where someone has had to have a thought ok I am with someone but I want this to happen .. the flirt , the kiss, etc etc etc .. if things didn't progress beyond a flirty message or a random kiss on a night , could I see how that could happen and work it through . Possibly/maybe ?? I genuinely think though if you had someone cheat on you in a long term relationship I think some serious self reflection is worth while ,not to necessarily stay together( because there are sooo many ways to heal a relationship that is struggling or finish things and cheating is such a dick move) but to consider where things were honestly at when things happened , even if for learning in next relationships, I for one know communication had massively broken down ( and I just wasnt aware of it ) so now I am married again ( we have both been cheated on ) we make a point of voicing the tricky feelings , even if in the moment they are tough to hear.