AIBU to find my husband's reaction to our son's glasses odd?

[Heyitsmeyeh]

For context, been struggling in marriage for around 18 months, had counselling together, going back. Am on the verge of leaving multiple times but we have children and as much as I know it can be ok, there’s something that keeps me here.

Son (7) said last week his eyes go blurry. Got him eye test. He needs glasses, only for focused work. Slight weakness in one eye, slight astigmatism in the other.

DH said immediately he wanted to see the report, wanted a second opinion, wants to know what the test was (Specsavers!). Had big row where I said I just don’t get it. Optometrist said he needs glasses now and then: why question it? He said he’s allowed to ask for full report as wasn’t there. I said call them tomorrow then. He said he will.

i think it’s all odd and smacks of his inability to believe anything can actually be wrong.

has anyone else ever had second opinion on eye ‘diagnosis’?

just when I think we can be OK stuff like this happens and I question everything

who is BU?!

NB please don’t say just leave and how that’s what needs to happen. This is about the glasses

Well he’s obviously got issues. Any similar incidents in the past? Is it that he questions anything you tell him unless he hears it 1st hand, or is it a perfectionism quest where he refuses to believe HIS children are anything less than perfect, including health-wise? Is it anxiety? Is it embarrassment? God help you either way.

you're being unreasonable to not know this is abusive controlling manipulative behavior and unreasonable to not know this is massive red flag likely to escalate behavior on is part.
kids vison changes as they grow and glasses are far from unusual.
pathetic that you think counselling with this man will help.

Is it about the glasses or your H’s reaction to them?

Very Weird reaction
husband is being unreasonable here for sure

Why don't you suggest he goes into the Specsavers Branch and take the matter up with them instead of bullying you about it OP?

Reaction is odd - absolutely.

But specsavers always give a card with the prescription on in my 20yeats+ experience of wearing glasses. Did they not give you this that you can just show him?

If my partner took the kids to a health assessment without me and it flagged something up I’d definitly want to see a written outcome to understand what it was and what the remedy is so I think questioning it in its self isn’t an issue. But the tone and escalation sound disproportionate to a pair of specs from what you’ve said.

I also think if it’s an NHS optician there’s strict guidance about when to and when not to prescribe glasses. Ie my daughter has the mildest lenses possibly and our optician explained she wouldn’t normally prescribe these on the NHS but the guidance is to do so if the child experiences headaches. I think in your situation it’s fair to question if the blurriness came on suddenly but the prescription is for focus work it’s great the dad wants to understand it more. That’s very valid IMO and to not give this info is unreasonable of you.

Perhaps communication has just totally broken down between you?

So does he question anything and everything that you say, does he automatically disbelieve you? Undermine you like it’s a tic he has? Or perhaps cannot let you have authority over anything to do with the kids?

If any of those, he’s controlling and possibly coercive. Counselling might be counterproductive.

He doesn't like the idea of his son wearing glasses, it's a really simple examination with not much scope for error. If he wants a second opinion he pays for,

does he watch much youtube / is he into any kind of wellness trends? because there are some parts of 'primal living' trends, which overlap with toxic masculinity, which believe not wearing glasses will let your eyes get stronger and wearing them will make any issues worse, make them weaker etc... he might have read/watched some of that.

My XH was like this. Refused to accept DS had broken his arm right before he was due to go on holiday with dad and dads new GF. I was fine about him going, no issues at all, even with a broken arm as he was 14.

XH just wouldn’t have it. “It can’t be broken!”
“well I am in hospital with him now. He’s just had it x rayed and it’s broken.”
”No. It won’t actually be broken though, stop exaggerating.”
” I am waiting for them to put him in a plaster cast. It’s definitely broken.”
”No, I don’t believe you. It can’t be.”

It was laughable really.

I can see why he’s your XH!! Crazy behaviour!!

He doesn’t want his son wearing glasses. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.

My husband would probably be a candidate for something like this. It’s a control issue and also a perfectionist thing

Is he doing the “ they must be wrong because my child is not going to need glasses” thing

Or is he doing the “opticians always try and sell you glasses” thing? The second thing has happened to me twice. I would hope they’d be a bit more ethical with a child though!

Sounds like he wants a super sporty alpha son and glasses don’t fit with that 😢

Same and it was specsavers …I was violently ill with them..went to another optician and there was NO prescription. And continued that way for 2 more decades..scary

Could DH think it could be something different than needing glasses? Or just controlling…it’s that part that’s missing in your post OP

Does anyone in your immediate family wear glasses? Is he questioning it because it’s odd if you get me? It was no surprise to me and DH when DC2 got prescribed glasses at 9yo because I’ve been wearing glasses since about that age as did my dad before me.

Despite that I think glasses are sometimes over prescribed to kids, and glasses are a lifetime pain in the arse, so I’d be double checking they’re definitely needed too.

He sounds like a dick though, because there’s a sensible way of questioning it and he’s not doing it the sensible way.

Did you only get your son tested at an opticians? Some of them are actually really shit. I've had tests that were way off and ended up with glasses that were far too strong or weak. An ophthalmologist is always more reliable, especially for a first diagnosis. So husband isn't entirely unreasonable to want a second opinion.

A lot of posts here would sound very hypocritical if reversed. Imagine if a mother started a post saying that her husband took their son to a random Specsavers and now insists he needs glasses for a mild vision issue. If the mother asked AIBU to double check for a second opinion, everyone would agree with her!

Sorry but it's not about the glasses, it's about control and the fact that your relationship is pretty much over.
Just leave and stop overanalysing things like this - of course there's going to be rows and tension if you have issues anyway.

sounds like my old MIL - oooh that will be a weakness, is that from your side. I loved her but frankly she was weird about anything being 'wrong' and took it very personally

Glasses are over prescribed in kids. They'll give them for 0.75 astigmatism and 0.5 long/short sightedness, neither of which require glasses in kids. It's a money making thing (and yes kids get free glasses but they can also upgrade the lenses/frames for a cost)

Ophthalmologists do not refract and prescribe glasses routinely
that's an optometrists job
you can't just get an appointment with an ophthalmologist to measure a glasses
prescription in a 9 year old

Maybe he saw bullying at school because of it and is worried it will happen to your son.
Obviously, that bullying is awful, and no rational person says he shouldn't have glasses, but you're asking why someone might possibly behave like this. We live in a very judgmental society, and some people are very nasty to those they don't judge physically "strong/perfect".
Since Harry Potter, I know insults like four-eyes and other mean comments haven't been as frequent, but depending how old your husband is, might have happened when he was at school.

Even the free ones they get the money back from the NHS.