To think people who wear ADHD as a ‘quirk’ are insufferable?

[ShotDowninFlames]

I’m bracing myself a little here but let me start by saying I have ADHD. Diagnosed in my 30s after I had a massive burnout. I work really hard to try and keep on top of life: calendar reminders, voice memos to myself, post it’s everywhere! Still things get missed sometimes but usually my DH helps me stay on top of things.

Whilst talking to my DM about it last year (I strongly strongly suspect she has it too) my SIL said she also thought she might have AdHD.

She went online and did a test which confirmed she has a lot of the attributes.

My issue is, since then she has made it her ENTIRE personality. Almost every SM post is about her ‘ADHD riddled brain’. She is chaotic and disorganised and I’d argue has become even more so since the diagnosis. When something slips down to her flakiness she does this very annoying ‘ooopss, silly me and my ADHD’.

Some recent examples;
-SIL and her kids came to stay recently (DB working) and she didn’t pack any sun hats, swimming costume for either kid and no underwear for one at all (the are 4 and 7). She thought it was hilarious and was posting about it in the group chat. Didn’t seem that bothered so I went and bought replacement bits for them.

-Borrowed a very expensive dress of mine and never returned it. Insisted she had and I must be mistaken. Then came down to go out while staying here wearing it! When I pointed it out she sort of shrugged and did the whole ‘Pops’s… that’s adhd for you’

-We met in London for an experience with the entire family. Reminded everyone a week before, the night before and the morning of that everyone needed photo ID. She forgot and made a massive drama about it not being her fault and could we just skip the experience and have dinner so she wasn’t alone.

Now, I’m going to get a lot of ‘you don’t really like her much’ posts and my opinion is coloured by the fact she cheated on my DB before the kids were born-over a long period. She has now rewritten this as it being down to her brain just not being able to cope with normal married life and wanting to create drama due to her ‘adhd’

Yes this is very specific to her but I’ve seen more and more people either posting or talking about their adhd and using it as a personality trait that is cute and quirky…

AIBU that this is becoming more common (using it as personality, not ADHD itself)

Well said. I do an internal eye roll every time I hear one of the young women I mentioned, talking about their (self diagnosed) ADHD, and saying that's the reason they're scatty/late/making mistakes/can't do their job properly.

And people have to believe them, and make adjustments and allowances. It's on par with self ID. If someone self IDs as a woman (and they're born male,) they think it should allow them to go into womens and girls changing rooms. Similarly, people are made to feel they must make allowances for the self diagnosed people who say they have ADHD.

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It’s a mix of YABU and YANBU..
YABU to say that ‘people who wear ADHD as a quirk are insufferable’. Those of us with a late and recent diagnosis (or self-diagnosis in this case) tend to be in the process of reinterpretating the last few decades tbrrough a new lens, which is obviously overwhelming, so it is very much at the forefront of our minds for quite a while.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with talking about ADHD and in a numerous way. However, although ADHD is a legitimate explanation for many problems. It does not absolve the sufferer from all responsibility. Apologies and amends still need to be made.

YANBU to call out the cheating. While impulse control is certainly a problem with ADHD, I’m not convinced that it is legitimate to use poor impulse control as an excuse for a lengthy affair.

Not true at all. I take accountability for my actions. It’s a reason not an excuse. If I make a mistake due to how my brain works, I fix it.

Know a lot of people with it, and guess what, not one has cheated (as far as anyone knows). It's disgusting using it as an excuse like she does.

Your SIL sounds insufferable and not down to any diagnosis!

ADHD seems to have become the new “I’m OCD” used in the context of quirks, rather than debilitating conditions. Btw I am ND and have OCD.

I think the problems occur when someone has other conditions that coexist and the adhd symptoms are exasperated by overlapping symptoms.

Wow. That is incredibly rude!

Its a female thing. See also the walking stick trend

So she doesn’t event know if she has it? That would really annoy me. You can’t self diagnose yourself from an internet quiz. They’re more aligned to the screening rather than actual assessment and not everyone who scores above the screening threshold will be diagnosed. There’s a lot more to the assessment and more to the criteria than those screening questions. I’d be pointing that out to her, but I can’t stand those who self diagnose like this and then just tell everyone they have it like it’s a done deal.

I find it most irritating in the workplace. I do a lot of recruitment and candidates are asked if they want any adjustments for the interview. Typically this might be extra time to respond to questions or having the question typed and time to read it before answering. Fine. In fact in the last campaign we gave the job to an autistic woman who smashed it after being given the adjustments.

Where I struggle is where a candidate just puts that they have ADHD but doesn’t clarify how that translates into an adjustment. Just looks like an attempt to ask for special consideration if they do badly. I don’t understand why a candidate would effectively tell a prospective employer they are disorganised and lack focus. It’s not a good thing!

Behaving like swines (what you are describing) is not ADHD. It is behaving like swines. Please have some respect for ADHD people.

Exactly and then it makes things harder for the ones that actually need help because they get chucked in the same basket and it helps nobody

Regarding your last sentence I don’t tell them, I hide it well enough to get through an interview and then get the job, I can’t do the job but they weren’t to know that, you can see the disappointment when I start and they realise I am not quite what they thought and have a long road to get rid of me now.
Keeps me employed for a few months at a time though.

Nailed it.
I have adhd. Not formally diagnosed yet but diagnosed by a psychotherapist during burnout so pretty bloody likely. Like you I manage it well and I'm not 'severely' effected which is why I got so far and it took so long. It's simply given me insight into myself. What it isn't is an excuse. My daughter has ADHD and she is annoying. I often find myself explaining why she is behaving like that to others at the same time as disciplining her on social norms.
Yes it's 'harder' but if you're a shit friend 'because of my adhd' its not that - you're just a shit friend. (Or like your SIL and a massive entitled pain in the arse!)
To a PP - I understand it must be irritating if you were diagnosed in the 90s and then the rest of us come along and hijack. I see it that if you were diagnosed years ago life must have been pretty bloody hard to get the diagnosis then when it was so unknown.

As others have said, I think a lot of people have self-diagnosed and used it to excuse their flakiness; I find the “ooh, I’m mad, me” type even more annoying: it may well be a coping mechanism, but it really grates.

Just like people who say they have an allergy when really they mean they don’t like something.

I think what's irritating you is her responses to things she's forgotten.
For example, when she realised she hadn't packed swimsuits or underwear for her DC upon arriving to stay with you, if she'd been mortified and said "Oh God I cannot believe I have forgotten to pack these things, I think I must have got distracted whilst packing and then lost focus on what I was doing, I feel terrible about this, where's your nearest shopping centre? I'll quickly go and buy the children swimsuits and underwear. I'm so sorry for the disruption caused by this @ShotDowninFlames "
And when she found your dress, if she'd have brought it to you freshly washed and ironed, fully apologetic, saying "This is so embarrassing, I could have sworn I'd returned this, I'm so sorry.....thank you so much for lending it and here's a bottle of wine to say thanks and sorry for the delay in returning it".
If she'd had responses like these, I think that you'd have a lot more sympathy for her.
It's the way she's reacting that's annoying.
It could be that she's got an annoying personality.
Or it could be that this is her way of masking her embarrassment - using humour and being flippant about something to mask how she actually feels really bad about it.
Most people with ADHD do generally have an internal dialogue of self-berating.

I had someone do this non stop in an interview once! Said odd/random stuff and then would laugh and say "oh that's my neurodivergency"

But said they weren't diagnosed but they knew they were and in 10 mins mentioned it several times like a badge of honour that they were proud of and would use as an excuse for everything.

Thanks for your opinion I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️

Insinuating that someone is "flaky" because of ADHD really is a put down for the genuine people with ADHD.
I get that people are frustrated with the fake people using ND as an excuse-it very much annoys me too.
But to be seen as "flaky" after years of stigma and misunderstanding is quite upsetting to hear

Once had an email from someone whose signature stated they were neuro-spicy, non binary, disabled and queer. I immediately disliked them. Some people just aren’t very interesting or intelligent so they feel the need to make their disabilities or sexuality their whole personality.

Absolutely agree

There is no self-responsibility anymore. It's not just ADHD, it's everything...One of my friends (not friends anymore) treated me like a bit of dirt on her shoe, after I'd been there for her, bought her flowers whenever she felt down, helped her whenever she needed it and then all of a sudden, one day I didn't check in on her and she lost it with me and sent me a horrible message blaming me for all sorts...

A week later, saw a FB post saying "that's menopause for you" and just expected to go back to normal....eh no...

Your SIL will just be using it as an excuse...

I agree with you OP.

At work we were mentoring a trainee and she kept going on about her adhd. Only in the final week did I quiz her further and it was a self diagnosis. Ridiculous from a grown adult.

At the risk of being shot down by some on here, I would say these traits have always existed, but there is a big spectrum of neuro diversity. Whilst those at the extremes will obviously need specific interventions to function in society, there are a lot of people who have " adopted the label" and use it as an excuse to get everyone else to run round them and make minimal effort themselves.
I recall my grandma talking to a relative who had been told they had some issues by their teacher.
Grandma said " So what are you going to do about it? The world doesn't owe you a living. You have to be seen to make an effort with the basics like time keeping and being socially aware. Then people will be more inclined to help you with the things you really struggle with.
Her words have proved to be true. This individual uses every device possible to organise herself, and is punctual, mainly reliable and copes with a good job. She is popular and although she still has issues with some things, because she doesn't use it as an excuse the hand in shoddy work or take advantage of people, she generally copes and fits in without issue.