To think people who wear ADHD as a ‘quirk’ are insufferable?

[ShotDowninFlames]

I’m bracing myself a little here but let me start by saying I have ADHD. Diagnosed in my 30s after I had a massive burnout. I work really hard to try and keep on top of life: calendar reminders, voice memos to myself, post it’s everywhere! Still things get missed sometimes but usually my DH helps me stay on top of things.

Whilst talking to my DM about it last year (I strongly strongly suspect she has it too) my SIL said she also thought she might have AdHD.

She went online and did a test which confirmed she has a lot of the attributes.

My issue is, since then she has made it her ENTIRE personality. Almost every SM post is about her ‘ADHD riddled brain’. She is chaotic and disorganised and I’d argue has become even more so since the diagnosis. When something slips down to her flakiness she does this very annoying ‘ooopss, silly me and my ADHD’.

Some recent examples;
-SIL and her kids came to stay recently (DB working) and she didn’t pack any sun hats, swimming costume for either kid and no underwear for one at all (the are 4 and 7). She thought it was hilarious and was posting about it in the group chat. Didn’t seem that bothered so I went and bought replacement bits for them.

-Borrowed a very expensive dress of mine and never returned it. Insisted she had and I must be mistaken. Then came down to go out while staying here wearing it! When I pointed it out she sort of shrugged and did the whole ‘Pops’s… that’s adhd for you’

-We met in London for an experience with the entire family. Reminded everyone a week before, the night before and the morning of that everyone needed photo ID. She forgot and made a massive drama about it not being her fault and could we just skip the experience and have dinner so she wasn’t alone.

Now, I’m going to get a lot of ‘you don’t really like her much’ posts and my opinion is coloured by the fact she cheated on my DB before the kids were born-over a long period. She has now rewritten this as it being down to her brain just not being able to cope with normal married life and wanting to create drama due to her ‘adhd’

Yes this is very specific to her but I’ve seen more and more people either posting or talking about their adhd and using it as a personality trait that is cute and quirky…

AIBU that this is becoming more common (using it as personality, not ADHD itself)

Gees that would drive me mad. You said 'since diagnosis.' Was that a formal one or just going tby the online test?

If you’ve met one person with ADHD you’ve met ONE person with ADHD.
It’s great that you manage your ADHD well and that some people are able to but others can barely function in life.
ADHD is a spectrum with different symptoms and affects people differently, you’re comparing yourself with others because you share some similar symptoms and also have a diagnosis which you manage well.

I think the issue is not ADHD, but that the woman is irritating as fuck.

This 100%
has she self diagnosed online to cover up being an absolute nightmare

I’m with you. I tell no one unless directly asked about it either due to my kids diagnoses or another reason.

no one needs to know and while it explains things it’s not a badge quirk or super power in any way whatsoever.
Drives me insane

Yeah the #neurospicy (or worse #neurosparkly) lot do my head in. It's not a quirky little excuse for being flaky.

The self diagnosed via Internet meme are a frustrating bunch.

Some people are just dicks, and some people are just dicks with ADHD.

I tend to forgive it if it's a new diagnosis and they're in the understanding/discovering themselves stage and it's all a revalation for them. We can all be a bit self centered sometimes, i can understand that.

YANBU, It doesn't sound like she has been diagnosed. I rarely mention mine in RL, but the purpose of my diagnosis was to manage the difficulties and work out some strategies to help with the daily struggle.

I don't object to people speaking about or sharing the strengths and difficulties, it is the light heartedness, nonchalant over use of the term that has become a bit of a problem. 'We are all a bit ADHD/Autistic' actually no.

Yes and no. Yes, this woman sounds bloody irritating. I was self-aware enough not to go on about it all the time because I’d already seen reactions like yours.

But when you first find out that there’s a reason for all of your failures you do see everything through that lens for a while. I can understand why people do it even if it’s cringey and annoying. Hopefully she gets past this stage and actively looks for ways to manage it.

Remember how a few years ago people would claim they had ocd because they liked things a bit tidy? It’s as annoying as that.

Everyone is desperate to be labelled so they don’t have to take responsibility for anything.

I'm not sure if I agree in general but YANBU to find your SIL's behaviour and attitude annoying. It's not ADHD to steal your dress or to not sort out underwear for her DC if she had forgotten it.

You mention how hard you try to manage your life with ADHD - with the phone alarms, the notes to self, lots of screenshots too, I imagine. Your diagnosis has enabled you to understand why you have to do these things to just do the same as other people. But you do manage, whereas it seems she is less successful. For her, managing to keep up with life has been extremely difficult, and I imagine she is glad that there is a reason for this and she's not just rubbish at everything (something my ADHD DD often says). I imagine she is just happy there is a cause and perhaps also hyper-fixating on the diagnosis. I am sure the honeymoon period will wear off and I would just keep quiet until it does.

She might be someone I know, diagnosed herself from a 60 second insta video and now every one of her irritating habits are her ADHD brain and are highly exaggerated.

meanwhile everyone else with an actual diagnosis, my son and sil included have strategies in place to manage situations they may find tricky, they don’t always work, but it’s fine, it happens.

this woman though, absolutely 100% of her life is massive drama, and did we all know how much harder she has it than everyone having ADHD and being an empath.

It's even worse to tolerate when it's suspected, "I/ Dh/ child/dog" has it.

It will shift back though, as it is almost commonplace at the moment and those who want to show that they are not run of the mill will announce " Me, I'm normal." 😁

No-one will be more relieved than those who have an actual medical diagnosis,

I hope you didn't pander to her regarding the dress or meal

I know two women like this.

We are in our late 40s and I’ve known them since school and now they have both been diagnosed with ADHD, they have made it their entire personalities.

One was always a stickler for time keeping. Never late for anything in the 35 years I’ve known her.

Now being late, being “scattty”, being dis organised are her thing. She was never like that.

I know about masking etc, but honestly, she’s had a complete personality transplant. She has so many issues now, caused by her “ADHD” brain as she calls it that didn’t exist two years ago.

”Sorry I’m late, it’s my ADHD!” on and fucking on.

It’s truly bizzare.

This! Don’t be buying things she forgot to bring OP and missing out of experiences that you have paid for.

in future, make it clear you won’t be doing that.

Yanbu, i also have adhd and its bloody hard sometimes. I chose med free route and have done a lot if research to help me to better understand my brain and 'manage' myself and I have developed routines and systems that help. It is still exhausting and hard sometimes, even just sticking to the routines that I know help me is a challenge. But I try to work with my brain as much as I can.

I am not judging others because I know its not easy but it is frustrating when people dont do anything to help themselves, behave really badly and blame adhd as if its a get out of jail free card. And then tell me I must be 'high functioning' adhd when in reality it is bloody hard work managing it, most of the time.

So I am with you, she sounds like a knob and using adhd as a shield for her unacceptable behaviour

I'm often on the fence with these things. I've no issues with people talking about their challenges but I dislike when people go on and on about it at every available opportunity or when they use it as a reason to not take responsibility. Expecting you all to miss out on something because she forgot her ID doesn't beholden me to her. Most people would accept it's their mistake and let everyone crack on and enjoy themselves, not try and ruin it for them too.

Yup, this. I can’t bear it when people use ADHD as an excuse to be a twat!

I don't think you'll catch any flak here because this seems personal; she's clearly trying to, for lack of a better word, out-ADHD you.

It sounds annoying and IMO insensitive at the very least, whatever she's doing and stigmatization are two sides of the same coin in my opinion, as it is not really a laughing matter.

It's not clear to me who you mean has undiagnosed ADHD here between SIL and DM but if you mean the former, maybe call her bluff by recommending she speak to a professional to get a diagnosis and help.

YANBU @ShotDowninFlames The most insufferable 'me and my ADHD brain' type of people are the ones who are self diagnosed. I know around 5 people who have diagnosed themselves with it, and use it as an excuse for any shortcomings they have, or any bad habits/ways they have (like your SIL does,) and it drives me bloody bonkers!

I also know several people who have diagnosed themselves with dyspraxia, never even seen a specialist about it, just decided they have it! A couple of them have self diagnosed with ADHD too!

As you say @ShotDowninFlames they are insufferable!

Unfortunately this type of behaviour is becoming more and more common. I think they're all just a very particular class of CFs who see the "benefits" for lack of a better word, afforded to people with these conditions and want to cash in on them, themselves.

Notice how it's always the self-diagnosed who take the piss.

She’s probably especially triggering to you as you work really hard to stay on top of things despite your ADHD whereas she’s not putting herself under that level of stress. Annoying for everyone else but must make life a lot more enjoyable for her.