To despise when you have a social plan and the person you are planning to meet brings someone else along unannounced

[CurdinHenry]

I have bad social anxiety and pick my social situations carefully

It fucks me off so much when this happens (and then it seems like I have a problem with the plus one which I almost never do they're usually great I just don't want my comfort zone changed without my participation in the decision).

My mother in law does it a lot which as you can imagine is a whole extra layer as my husband can't cope with her being upset (he does side with me he's still just very upset about it).

@Thepeopleversuswork what works for you doesn't have to work for anyone else.

I do, too! A former best friend did this... all the time, once she got in a relationship. Then I got cut out of her life. They got married a while ago, and I didn't even know. While I hope that they are happy, I feel sad that my best friend for years no longer speaks to me.

Yes there's been another similar thread on here recently about the same.
I have a friend who does this regularly and I can't stand it.

Puts the whole vibe off and gets on my tits tbh.

I stopped seeing my "best" and oldest friend for this. We moved as we grew up, it became a 90 minute journey, I ended up doing all the driving to her so I'd go every month or so and every time I was there her neighbours/mum friends would come round/go out with us too. I got on ok with them but secretly really disliked them. These were people she saw almost everyday but she couldn't drag herself away from them for a few hours once a month to just see me.

It took me years to recognise the pattern - I was driving and spending money on nights out to hang around with people I disliked and I just reduced contact and stopped going. 38 years of friendship over but it hadn't really been a friendship for a very long time, it was just habit 😞

Sometimes this is a 'more the merrier' approach but sometimes I think it is a type of social blindness, an inability to consider the dynamic. A former friend of mine did this repeatedly, creating some excruciatingly uncomfortable meet ups.

She saw herself as a bit of a local social networker i think. Would invite me to her home and then on arrival would let me know that 'oh, x will be joining us too'. It was never a bigger group but was always just one extra person that she thought I would have something in common with. Every single time she managed to invite a surprise extra where there was some sort of situation in the background making it uncomfortable to meet and make small talk. The inviting friend had I think looked for points of contact, shared interests, mutual friends etc, but made some very awkward misjudgements through not knowing the wider picture about how people might be connected or what was going on in their lives.

On one of these occasions, a surprise extra person was presented to me as having mutual friends - which indeed we did, but it was also someone I had worked with very recently in a professional situation where I had been responsible for assessing her work,. A perfectly nice woman, but very awkward indeed to meet socially by surprise on arrival, and then trapped in a room for an hour's chit chat over coffee, just the three of us. Another time, I had expected a 1:1, arrived to find someone else had been invited with whom I had mutual friends but had not previously met - but I knew through friends that she had also recently had a traumatic bereavement. She too had visibly expected a 1:1 catchup and was clearly shaken to find that her expected personal catch up at a difficult time for her had become a surprise group of three with me as a stranger to her, and she really wasn't up to light chat. Excruciating.

Eventually I raised this very uncomfortable dynamic with the friend and tried to explain how her well meant surprise networking was repeatedly creating uncomfortable situations. I don't think she really understood at all. She was someone who threw herself enthusiastically into trying to connect people socially, , but what she totally lacked was any social antennae.

I enjoy meeting new people normally, and can happily chat to most people. However, I hate being bounced into forced social encounters through someone else's inability to read the room or to consider the dynamic.

The friendship didn't survive her lack of social awareness and I no longer see her.

YANBU it is rude, and changes the whole dynamic of the occasion.

I’ve been that person brought along by a well meaning friend. Except the group were our old school gang, who all kept in touch with eachother and are friends, but not with me. I see them once every 3-4 years and I was last asked along by this well meaning friend, the only one I still talk to, to afternoon drinks a couple of years ago but sat there pretty much not able to join in as they just talked about their considerable shared experiences. It’s strange like that, sat amongst people you used to be friends with whilst they all talk about stuff they’ve been up to together, like all their weddings.

Anyways, a couple of people arrived late, got a drink, sat down, and then someone announced he was hungry and was off to get food elsewhere if anyone wanted to come along! So a few people go off with him, eventually all of us. I thought it was really rude.

I took the point to leave after that, when they all went on elsewhere. Honestly not bothered about them all ever again.

Then a few months later, turns out the latecomers got married because I was added to a whatsapp group, called our old school gang name, of them all saying how great the wedding was the day before, and the pic was of them all, every one of them, at the wedding. Fine, whatever, but why add me?

I don’t think people who dislike people they don’t know or weren’t expecting being brought along when they just expected one person are being precious. I am happy with group socials if that is what has been arranged. I often go out with groups of people for the day and then whoever turns up turns up although some of is say in advance if we are going.
that is completely different to arranging to go somewhere or meet up with just one person and that person then unexpectedly invites someone else. If they really think I might get on with this friend then when we meet up they could suggest inviting ber next time. There’s no rush.

There is also a control/ power dynamic element to it that I dislike with the secretiveness. Only one of us knows who will actually be there and that person isn’t me. I dislike unequal relationships

I get you, OP. I was brought along out of the blue as a plus one recently and I felt so much that the “host” had the same horrified vibe as me - I made my excuses (thankfully I had a very good one) and scarpered. I’m considered to be a super good mixer by my pals (I am - well I used to be - and I can still fake it till I make it if I have to) and good at the social grease but since peri, these are situations I actively avoid. It’s a real visceral feeling for me, not wanting surprises but I think I styled it out as I used to, however the emotional toll was considerable. I hate it when people turn up at my door and almost live in a perpetual state of anxiety as a result because it happens a lot where I am from - it’s culturally the norm. Maybe I will grow out of this as I grew into it.

Yes, and why. Like if your MIL brings a friend, OP, because she's starting to struggle with some travel/pain and feels awkward talking to the two of you about it. Or if she feels like a third wheel, which is sad if so, just maybe say you'd both love to just see her.
It annoys me if the extra person causes issues, like they're brought on a holiday and can't go at the time/to the place activities already agreed on, in cases like this I'd just not go with the person who invited them again.
Or if someone brings a kid without discussing it, so there's places it's harder to go.

Maybe you need to grow up and realise other (all the normal, sane) people view this very differently to you.

Yeah my husband and I have a mutual old friend who does this, brings randoms along who we've met maybe once 5 or 6 yrs ago. None of us have enough time to spend together like uni days, so he's clearly trying to bunch up ad ma y ppl as possible but it makes for a very lack lustre hang out when people don't know each other, conversation always very shallow and surface level. Gets worse as we get older and have kids as just cannot be arsed getting to know a random for one evening and never seeing them again.

I hate this.The more teh merrier types will never understand this feels intrusive, self centred, a waste of time and rude to less is more types.

I have a don't pop in, don't bring extra people rule for visitors to my home. If I'm arranging plans I always ask about attendees.

One of my friends has bad form for double booking. Last time we arranged to meet, a massive group of their work friends joined halfway through the night. We have spoken about this before. I did not stick around.

Cocktails or drinks after work might be a more the merrier thing. If I know randoms may attend, I can decide if I want to go or not. Otherwise, don't bring your husband or child to cocktails with friends.

I wouldn't usually say anything, just avoid making more arrangements if someone does it often!

@Thepeopleversusworkyour username is distinctive enough for me to remember I’ve read numerous posts from you around MN at various times expressing disdain for introversion and for people who aren’t as outgoing as you presumably think they should be. At this point I’m genuinely curious - why exactly do you care? And are you this intolerant of people who don’t do life the way you deem correct in other areas of life, or is it just people who aren’t social butterflies that you reserve your disdain for?

I think the context is important ie what type of social event . I suppose I would be less bothered if a plus one came along to a cinema trip but more bothered for a meal . It changes the dynamics , I may have been looking forward to a catch up with a good friend and to speak of personal
issues which I wouldn’t be comfortable talking about in front of a stranger .
I think the person who is bringing along the plus one , should check with their friend if they are ok with it as a courtesy . Just a - do you mind if I bring along X ?

I also have a relative who brings along their spouse and that completely changes the dynamics from a 1: 1 catch up with a close relative to one with a rather grumpy spouse in tow .

I do fully appreciate that at various stages in our lives we do find it more difficult to make new friends as we may have outgrown / lost touch with older friends / moved house etc . So it isn’t that I would be opposed to it completely -,but would just prefer a heads up .

I do think we also have to be mindful of the feelings / mental health of others . I know at some points when I am feeling a bit low , I might be happy to meet one to one but just wouldn’t be comfortable with a bigger group and would probably cancel if I knew this in advance . At other points I would be happy to meet in larger groups .

Depends on the situation, your MIL though should know that you have anxiety about it and respect it. Most recent time I had this happen was I met a friend and a few hours before asked if my DP could come to, but this was all good as friend hadn't met DP and wanted to, and DP wanted to get out and socialise (besides friend was also going to bring a friend, who cancelled at the last minute).
Worse for me is friends who bring their dog unannounced, I'm not a dog person and we tend to have to then change plans around what would work for the dog.

This annoys me too. My sister always does it and it drives me mad. She's a 'the more the merrier' type person and I think that's fine in itself, we're all different. But it's the fact that she doesn't consider that other people may feel different that bothers me.

She's also there type who will change plans last minute, such as we were staying in and now we're going out, or we were going to X place but now we're going to Y. Again, she wouldn't mind this is you did it to her, but it doesn't occur to her that it might bother other people. It's the lack of thought that gets me.

Sadly it does put us off making plans with her very often.

My DH’s friend does this all the bloody time, despite DH asking him not to! But he then proceeds to ignore the person so everyone else is left to make polite conversation with them. He even brought 2 strangers to stay at our house without asking which was really awkward - we have a decent outhouse/garage so I put them in there (teen DD in the house at the time).

He is the more the merrier kind too and generally wouldn’t mind if we did the same. But he can’t understand that not everyone thinks like him!

I don’t have social anxiety but I have a friend who does this regularly.

Sometimes it has worked well but other times it really didn’t and was extremely awkward. She would ask me if I say fancied say a night at the cinema, a walk by the river or lunch. I would just envisage the two of us. Then when I get there I would then find some random there. Sometimes I had met them briefly before other times I had never met them before in my life. After one really bad occasion I had to ask her to stop doing this with me as it was really awkward (as the other person was really rude and made me feel like I really wasn’t welcome). Although to be fair on her she probably thought it was just her and my friend going and instead of trying to make the best of it she decided to behave really really badly.