To despise when you have a social plan and the person you are planning to meet brings someone else along unannounced

[CurdinHenry]

I have bad social anxiety and pick my social situations carefully

It fucks me off so much when this happens (and then it seems like I have a problem with the plus one which I almost never do they're usually great I just don't want my comfort zone changed without my participation in the decision).

My mother in law does it a lot which as you can imagine is a whole extra layer as my husband can't cope with her being upset (he does side with me he's still just very upset about it).

I think it’s rude, we had a family get together and my aunt invited her neighbour.. it just changed the vibe

Sometimes I love it. I was once working in a city where a friend lives and asked to meet up with her. She invited me over. I was expecting a 1-2-1 catch up but several friends of hers arrived too. It ended up being an informal party and we all got on so well.

My friend invited a woman (who made it clear she hated me ) to a milestone bday of mine at my house. Not only did she have the audacity to turn up she came empty handed! The cheeky fuckery of it still makes me laugh...

I hate it too. My friend has form for bringing along one or both of her adult daughters unannounced. Or she’ll send me a last minute text ‘I’m bringing x and y’. I am fond of them but it entirely changes the dynamic. My friend and I don’t get to chat and also annoying, we split the bill in half. I don’t particularly want to pay for these 20 somethings who are both wealthier than I am.

We were once invited to dinner, expecting a long catch up as a foursome with a former work colleague only to find another couple already there who we had never met. And who then proceeded to dominate the conversation about their extensive holidays. Yawn…

We went home furious that they hadn’t been polite enough to flag that others would be there, and how excruciatingly tedious the whole evening had been.

Yes, tbf i would never bring someone along if it was a 121 coffee / lunch type meeting thats very valid and I would feel the same.

This is more for things like if I am hosting a games night or dinner I wouldnt necessarily tell everyone who else is coming in advance. Or if someone suggests a fitness class that I know another friend would like, or we are meeting with our teens for a game of rounders in the park I might invite others along - that sort of thing.

I completely agree !
Totally thoughtless and disrespectful .
One exception only is knowing 100% that the person you are planning to meet will be overjoyed to see the 'someone else'.
Otherwise it can change the whole dynamics of the meet up .
YANBU to despise .

YANBU. I have friend who always does this. Last time I was really hoping to chat about something difficult with her, but she again asked this other person to join. I don't mind them at all, but we are not friends as such and would not always choose to spend my limited free time with them.
So it was again this very superficial chitchat and I was bit bored.

It’s happened to me quite a few times, and they have often gone off themselves afterwards which really hurts (for example, plan to meet up with A at the pub, just you and them, they mention no other plans, at 6pm. They turn up with B and at 8pm, announce that the two of them are going off to dinner together, skipping off and leaving me sat alone).

That's a bit grim!

I think it's about being honest. "I'm having some people over for drinks at my place on Saturday evening, would you like to join us?" is very different to "Would you like to come to my place for a drink this Saturday evening?". The first I'd expect other people, the second I'd interpret as a just me invitation.

I don’t have social anxiety but when I meet up with someone it’s because I want to see them, add another person and it changes the whole dynamic. I always ask if I can bring someone and only if it’s a casual meet up I do all the time. And god forbid do not bring your husband!

Whoah! Speak up for yourself! You know you shouldn’t be paying for half of her daughter’s meals as well - mind you, I’m surprised your “friend” lets you do it.

I had a friend that was like this. I got the impression after a while that she just didn't want to be on her own with me, so I stopped asking about meeting up. The speed at which she fell away told me I'd got it right.

The first time it happened I had arranged to meet my friend for lunch. She messaged to say was it ok if x,y and z came along. I actually said no, I'm not comfortable with big group meet ups and I'll see you another time. She said she quite understood. Then she did it again next time. I felt mean and rude to say no again, it's not that I dislike x,y and z, it's the big group. So I went along but I won't see her again.

I hate this OP! Changes the whole dynamic of the evening doesn't it.

I've a few friends who do this all the time. If we're doing something like theatre or another event it's fine, they're usually nice people and we weren't going to have a deep chat anyway. But if it was a couple of hours for coffee we'd normally get a bit deeper and an extra I don't know means you stick to small talk.

And then there's the friends who bring their teens, so you can barely talk about anything and teen is bored and god knows why they came.

I would stop arranging to meet her. If it is mainly you and your husband meeting her together then I would let it be but if it is supposed to be just the 2 of you I would stop initiating meetings and if she suggests one say « OK if it’s just you but I would prefer you not to invite your friends who I don’t know along too »

The worst one was when two sets of my friends all agreed to meet up for a day in Camden, just mooching the market (this was many years ago when it was still good), drinking, eating, finishing off at a gig.

A and B had been good friends of mine for years. C and D had been good friends of mine for years. They had never met but everyone had agreed that it would be lovely to all go out for the day and for the two sets of friends to meet.

Half an hour in, A&B said actually, we are going to go off and do our own thing and then C&D said, okay no worries, we’ve got a friend who lives in the area, we are going to drop in on them.

Then, they walked off in two different directions leaving me standing there alone 😳

Oh, and it was my 21st birthday 😭 I ended up getting pissed on my own in an old man’s pub and getting chips on the way home.

ime it tends to happen with social butterfly/ easy to network types which tbf is the polar opposite of your social anxiety so you probably just don’t mesh well

I actually had a brilliant time, met 2 new friends that we now meet with as a 4…;) it can work

I hate it too. One of my former friends used to do that all the time. I would think I was meeting her, and would turn up and she would be there with others and focus on them usually making little side jabs at me for laughs.

I got tired of it, but the final straw was when she napped at me; 'If I see you have brought that fucking tacky purse one more time I'll walk out'. (It was a LV, gifts from DH). **

So i walked out.

Anyway- I live in a small enough town that you never know who is having an issue with who else so i make it a rule to only issue invitations that tells anyone invited exactly who else is being invited.

**Ooof- I didnt know I was still pissed off about that!

My friend moved to a new area. I was looking forward to meeting her after a gap but she brought a friend she had made along too. I know she did it because she probably wanted us all to become friends, but it was totally unnecessary for a first trip. I don’t need her friend as my new friend too, they live too far away and I didn’t feel any rapport. It would have been nicer to have just been my friend. I didn’t say anything but it did secretly disappoint me. I don’t particularly have social anxiety but I don’t want the conversation to be, so what do you do, how did you two meet blah blah when I’m catching up with my friend. The dynamic changes.

Oh dear. I really shouldn’t laugh but it’s sounds like something from a comedy. 😂 Each set probably felt detached from the other and you were left in the middle. I can see it realistically happening. Even one unfamiliar person can really tilt the scales when it comes to dynamics. What a birthday! 😁

I was very upset at the time, but 25 years on I am just WTF?! 🤣

I enjoy meeting new people in social settings, the more the merrier. Thinking you’re going to see a friend for a one to one, then a stranger (to you) enters the mix is so annoying. It’s not so bad if you already know and like the extra person and know they’re coming, but if not, it turns into a small talk chore.