To despise when you have a social plan and the person you are planning to meet brings someone else along unannounced

[CurdinHenry]

I have bad social anxiety and pick my social situations carefully

It fucks me off so much when this happens (and then it seems like I have a problem with the plus one which I almost never do they're usually great I just don't want my comfort zone changed without my participation in the decision).

My mother in law does it a lot which as you can imagine is a whole extra layer as my husband can't cope with her being upset (he does side with me he's still just very upset about it).

Depends on what we're doing and who with and who they bring...

I dont have social anxiety and I hate it when people bring other people too. Its rude! Changes the whole vibe. My friend used to do this, even when we were meeting at my house!

I think it's rude. By all means have a get together and invite all the people you want but don't make plans with particular people and shoehorn someone else in. It's awkward all round.

I always think that they don’t like me very much, so they have to bring someone else they do like along so they don’t have a shit time and waste an evening on me.

I am really social and love meeting new people, so I really wouldn’t mind if they said.

It’s happened to me quite a few times, and they have often gone off themselves afterwards which really hurts (for example, plan to meet up with A at the pub, just you and them, they mention no other plans, at 6pm. They turn up with B and at 8pm, announce that the two of them are going off to dinner together, skipping off and leaving me sat alone).

It depends whether it is a one off and whether they ask to bring them along.

I'm fine with casual meetups but for a surprise guest at a formal or special occaaion it is essential to confer with the host.

Yes, it's happened to me (at my birthday meal in the pub!) and it did change the whole vibe having a fifth person who only one of us knew. Especially as she didn't stop talking.

I can't help but notice, and this could be due to a bias of bad experiences being more memorable, but it seems like these brought along extras are almost always obnoxious as fuck and rarely nice normal seeming people.

I don't get the bit about your mother in law being upset.

i agree with @FlakyFox

I knew someone that always did this and eventually I stopped trying to meet and guess what? Never heard from them again.

That's horrible,
I would not call that a friend bailing after 2 hours with someone else.

Yup.

There were a few people that I stopped initiating contact with a few years ago, the ones who it seemed like it was some sort of chore or a charitable act for them to spend time with me. Not one of them has contacted me in years.

I’m extremely social, and love meeting new people and I still hate this.

If I’ve arranged a 1:1 meet up with an old friend there will be things I can talk about/vent about/ask for advice on that I can’t discuss with a stranger present.

Totally fine to introduce me to a new friend but advanced warning is only polite.

its happened more to me in the social media era, especially with those who announce everything, it takes one post then someone else asks if they can tag along and the plans have changed. I'm none the wiser as I barely check social media.

Oh yes!
I have two friends who do this. I even told friend A that I don't enjoy big group meals and if that's what she wants I would skip it. Next time we met for lunch she had invited another two friends and one brought her husband. She's a big talker and I can honestly say I didn't manage to get one sentence out in conversation.

Yanbu.
I consider this really rude and annoying.
It only ever happened a few times years ago when meeting up newer friends.
I simply said I'll leave you to it and see you some other time.
Same with a friend who's 16 year old would want to come.
I would say that I'll leave them off to have mummy daughter time.
She got the message. I was too busy with my own younger children to be giving up me time to listen to her lovely daughter butting in.
Social anxiety aside, it is annoying to most people.

It's also awful being inadvertently the extra person! I once happened to be in the same city as a colleague (not our city) and she called me inviting me to join her and some friends for a night out which sounded fine. Turned out it was one of the friends' hen dos! And not a big, all welcome kind, it was an intimate group of around 6. I'd already got my drink and sat down before I realised.

And the extra bod always ends up the centre of attention, as the others often don’t want to make them feel excluded by having conversations about shared history!

YANBU. My sister does this a lot. It’s because she has so many friends she needs to see 2 or 3 of us at once as she doesn’t have time for 1 to 1 meetings. She’s a more the merrier type and I’m a stick to the plan type. I end up being a spare part in the conversation.

I have had this happen to me once, it was part way through the meet up and a friend of hers Msg her to say in area. It did mighty irritate me and I felt a lot less of her from then on. I let the friendship fizzle out very willingly.

An ex-friend did this to me once.

Then she did it again & that's why she's an ex.

YANBU!!

Even if you do know the other person it completely changes the dynamic.

Yes, exactly. As it happens, this was going to be the last time the four of us got together the week before one moved away. But instead of laughing about the shared history, we had new loud teacher person asking how many children we'd got and how long we'd lived there. The person moving away was very annoyed!

YANBU!

I've mentioned to said couple who we meet up with for a drink that we'd rather it was just the 4 of us and that I don't enjoy the afternoon when this other couple get invited along. I've been pleasant and honest about why a few times, but it still happens.

I'm at the point where I'd rather just say I'm busy and can't make it or have other plans, than sit there not enjoying myself.

I am genuinely amazed at how many people have an issue with this. In my circle of friends its quite normal, where I live its kind of a 'new town' so a lot of people aren't from here originally so people seem happy to be introduced to new people to broaden their social circle and make new friends, and I enjoy introducing friends to each other and seeing them going on to do stuff together.

It has definitely given me food for thought, it has never crossed my mind that people might have an issue with it, but I am going to start checking first now and giving people a genuine 'out' in case anyone in our group has been feeling this way.

For those who hate it, have you ever said anything? I am mortified to think i might be inadvertently upsetting people, bug its so normal in my circle I just thought everyone did it and was ok with it.

I think it’s okay if you check in advance. Then the person has the option to say, yes, that sounds great or don’t worry, we’ll re arrange if it’s not.

If I was meeting up with an old friend as I was going through a hard time and wanted to talk, it wouldn’t be great if someone I didn’t know came along as a surprise. I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about personal things or having to explain a background so they wouldn’t feel left out, equally, I probably wouldn’t feel like painting on a smile and acting like there was nothing wrong.

I used to live in an area like you describe and it was great big circle of friends/acquaintances and it was brilliant to meet new people. However, you knew that if it was one on one, that someone probably had something they wanted to talk about.