AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Have you read all of the OP's posts?
The ex friend has congratulated the OP on her child & said how she misses their friendship.

Why do you assume she wants to meet up and rake over the affair rather than just put it all to bed, make friends and move on in peace?
She probably wants to explain why she said to the OP to never speak to her again all those years ago but that she regrets that now.
Maybe she is also in touch with mutual friends and doesn't want things to be awkward going forward.
Meeting up doesn't have to mean the OP is going to be subjected to a ranting harridan who is going to scream the place down and blame her for ruining her life.
Both sides can move on peacefully in these situations.

I don’t disagree what all. What I did was cold I haven’t tried to say it wasn’t.

I thought this too! She obviously still feels guilty and doesn’t want to be reminded of what a shit person she was.

You owe her nothing. There’s no children to worry about or co-parent. She should get some therapy and move on with her life, I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this.

Maybe her friend back?

Depends on what you want out of it, I guess.

I will say, OP, that you aren't going to get absolution on here and nobody is obliged to give it to you... and in fact nobody can, unless your friend is posting.

You asked what people think about meeting her. You've had responses. Do what you will with the information. That's all there is.

Again, my point was about my loyalty to my friend meaning I wouldn’t even go on a date with my friend’s ex.

Have a lovely day.

I did ask. She said she misses that despite everything she misses the friendship. I didn’t know what to even say they were quite lovely messages I just don’t think a friendship can be rekindled after all said and done

Ignore the hate OP. No-one is perfect, you had an affair - lots of people do - and this one turned into a marriage.

You’re going to be friends with this woman? Are you heck. I’d stay a mile
away.

Luckily I do have my ducks in a row. Maybe the marriage will end terribly its deserves on both our parts.

I think what you did to your friend was horrific but you have not attempted to justify and condone it which I think reflects you are aware and remorseful for your actions. Perhaps that’s what your friend needs to hear from you, to get some closure for
the terrible thing that happened to her. I would think about how you might facilitate that in a way that is comfortable for you both.

There’s nothing to be gained on either side from you meeting her and picking at this old wound.

Eleven years is a long time for her to be stuck in the same place. Shitty, awful, unfair things happen to us in life but at some point we have to take responsibility for how we move forward and heal ourselves.

Returning to the source of the hurt and having a big showdown may be tempting for her, but I think it will leave her with yet more questions than answers. Once that can of worms is open, will she ever be able to close it? If she can’t get closure after meeting you once, will you be obliged to stay locked in this weird, painful dynamic with her until she does feel closure (if she ever does)?

Sometimes part of healing is coming to an acceptance that things are the way they are - however much you wish they weren’t - and you must learn to live with it so that you can continue to grow and not remain stuck in your pain. This is what she should be focusing on. You can’t help her.

I think people think I’m here to justify my actions when I’ve admitted and said how selfish I was apparently that’s still not enough. Of course it’s not but I cannot go back in time. It’s tough because on one end I am happy and on the other end I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I am not proud of my actions at all.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

This was my exact response reading this.

I was like “Girl…..”

And you said that OP couldn't be trusted around husbands, thus making trust in women, and not husbands, the salient point when men cheat.

Thanks for the good wishes. My day will be better for knowing you're going to rethink that attitude (because I know you will, although internet law states you must never say so and must feign breezy indifference).

Read this people who are assuming the ex is going to meet the OP to have a go at her!

Lovely messages, the hand of friendship extended.
What's so odd about that?

You won't ever be proper friends again, OP, but surely knowing that you have made peace with someone you know you hurt will be good for you?

Personally, I think you will regret it if you refuse to meet her and you have as much to gain from it in terms of closure as she has.

Never done anything in your 20s you'd regret later in life?

I was absolute scum 20 years ago. I own it. Those of us that can make mistakes and own it are far better people than those who make excuses or worse, belittle others for mistakes they have no experience of

What's with the contrite meekness?

Are they really in a row, OP, as in if your cheating cunt of a dh walked out on you for a younger and hotter woman-which would be in character for him, wouldn't it? - you'd have zero issues?

Doubt it.

I think you could meet for closure but I don’t think you can be friends. The two people she trusted hurt her, then she moved away so it sounds like her whole world changed. Yes you behaved badly but so did your husband. Maybe she is in therapy and that’s why it has come up now.

You have explained yourself perfectly @Greeneham but again, I don't think she would benefit from someone who was more than complicit in the abuse she suffered. You seem to have done a hell of a lot of work on yourself, which is great, however, have you really stopped to think about what it did to her? It will have fundamentally changed who she is as a person. She has one life, as do you, and two people she loved and trusted caused her harm and probably continue to do so if she never met anyone else, had children etc (if she wanted to).

I have nursed a friend from the brink of a complete breakdown due to her partner cheating. She is still a shadow of her former self. She used to be the one everyone went to, she was very motherly, had an open house. She isn't anymore. We had to do a rota so someone was with her at all times for a month. Just think, she had spent months suspecting, he had convinced her she was going mad (abusive) then she found out the truth. She just shut down completely.

However, as you say, life moves on and you cannot live life with a dark cloud over you forever more especially now you have a child. At least two of you got out of it unscathed.
I would gently let her down and say you don't think she will benefit in any way from talking with you. Be honest, you seem more than capable, you write very eloquently. She will be able to handle it, she has been through worse!

I think these circumstances makes this and her sound a bit….off?

It sounds like this was a starter marriage for them- how old was she and your now husband when they married? How were you and she friends? Sometimes relationships run their course, and early in life relationships when young mean people change a lot. And with no kids to be concerned about, it’s simpler, frankly she should have moved on.

There will be more detail you will know from your husband and not want or need to share here OP. No one on here knows that context and a lot of hurt angry women will be projecting onto your situation. I also like how the name calling is all at you, and not your ex friends ex husband….

You have clearly thought carefully about this and have attended therapy to help process it, sounds like your ex friend hasn’t. It’s not your job to do so either, you don’t owe anyone that. I certainly wouldn’t write a letter either, it makes it a bigger thing than it really is. Maybe offer to answer a couple Qs by text, but I would draw a line and ghost her then.

Has she asked to meet her ex husband at all to discuss or only you?
Meeting wouldn't solve nothing more than a phone call would.
Either way, i'd not myself. It's been 12yrs. She will more than likely ruminate all her life regardless of you giving her any answers.

Those who you treated like absolute garbage will not have forgotten.