AIBU to want more structure around partner’s time with his son?

[whoamikidding43]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I, 46F, in long term relationship 55M. Single mum 3 adult DS 24,22,19, live at home. DP 2 DD 26,24 (renting), 1 DS 14, split living arrangement.

We've been together 4 years, separate homes, but until recently quite a structured planned time together. DsS with DP every other weekend, and alternating 3 week nights/ 2 week nights.

Until last summer DP and his Ex lived within a 10 minute walk of each other and within a 15 minute walk of his DsS's school. His Ex moved out of the area, about 3 miles down the road. Extra travel time to school (lifts/bus when he is at hers overnight term time), then after school hanging out at DP's whilst DP is at work until Ex picks him up when she finishes work, not a 9-5 job.

Before the holidays DP received a message from Ex saying DsS has asked for flexibility over the summer, as of course DsS wants to spend time hanging out with his friends who are local to DP.

I did foresee this. When Ex announced she was moving and DsS was upset about moving out of the area. I highlighted to DP that it would inevitably end up with DsS at his house more. I have no problem with that, he is a lovely lad and we get on really well.

The issue I currently have is that I miss the structure, and knowing in advance what nights DP is child free. I too work full time, and then also have my own house and chores to contend with and though my DS's are older I still enjoy cooking and sitting down to dinner with them. I enjoy my time at home too.

The other issue I have is that on the child free weekends, DP's DS shows up unannounced, with friends and hangs out at DP's house. There have been occasions when DsS could have caught us "in flagrante", had I have not had bat like hearing.

I have tried to be accommodating of this flexibility, it is of course DsS's home, but I am struggling with the lack of structure. DP seems to walk on eggshells around his DS and will not say no, that doesn't work, or no Tuesday doesn't work but Wednesday does, or if you're heading this way on Saturday let me know.

He would rather moan to me about the situation.

As it stands I haven't seen DP properly in a week, and I still don't know if he is child free this evening. I can and have stayed over whilst DsS is there, but it's an old fashioned terrace house with the bathroom off the main bedroom which makes things all a little awkward.

AIBU - Suck it up and get on with it
YANBU - DP needs to grow a pair, and lay down some structure with Ex and DS

Flip it round.

Is what you’ve got in mind something you also expect / would instigate for your children in your house?

It’s perfectly reasonable to be frustrated that the previous very convenient set up you had has changed and basically isn’t available.

It’s not reasonable to make the solution to that restricting a school child’s access to their own home. In order of hierarchy of kids it’s fair to ask to stay away some nights, work down your respective children by age.

This is why I asked if he comes to her house. I’m assuming he doesn’t because her own children are at home…

That was a master stroke by the mother!

Sadly this will get worse- especially as his social life ramps up

@whoamikidding43

Yes, you are being completely unreasonable. Why isn’t that obvious to you? Especially with 3 adults living at home with you!

What on earth?!

This is a 14 year old in his family home not a 40 year old who gatecrashed a party!
By "get worse" do you mean spending time in his family home that is close to school and friends? That is normal life for every child who lives with both parents! There is absolutely nothing unusual, wrong or pushing 'boundaries' in this situation.

And not a ‘master stroke’ by the op, who has her 3 adult sons living in the house with her and her dp, while his one 14 year old son isn’t allowed across the threshold without her permission?