AIBU to want more structure around partner’s time with his son?

[whoamikidding43]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I, 46F, in long term relationship 55M. Single mum 3 adult DS 24,22,19, live at home. DP 2 DD 26,24 (renting), 1 DS 14, split living arrangement.

We've been together 4 years, separate homes, but until recently quite a structured planned time together. DsS with DP every other weekend, and alternating 3 week nights/ 2 week nights.

Until last summer DP and his Ex lived within a 10 minute walk of each other and within a 15 minute walk of his DsS's school. His Ex moved out of the area, about 3 miles down the road. Extra travel time to school (lifts/bus when he is at hers overnight term time), then after school hanging out at DP's whilst DP is at work until Ex picks him up when she finishes work, not a 9-5 job.

Before the holidays DP received a message from Ex saying DsS has asked for flexibility over the summer, as of course DsS wants to spend time hanging out with his friends who are local to DP.

I did foresee this. When Ex announced she was moving and DsS was upset about moving out of the area. I highlighted to DP that it would inevitably end up with DsS at his house more. I have no problem with that, he is a lovely lad and we get on really well.

The issue I currently have is that I miss the structure, and knowing in advance what nights DP is child free. I too work full time, and then also have my own house and chores to contend with and though my DS's are older I still enjoy cooking and sitting down to dinner with them. I enjoy my time at home too.

The other issue I have is that on the child free weekends, DP's DS shows up unannounced, with friends and hangs out at DP's house. There have been occasions when DsS could have caught us "in flagrante", had I have not had bat like hearing.

I have tried to be accommodating of this flexibility, it is of course DsS's home, but I am struggling with the lack of structure. DP seems to walk on eggshells around his DS and will not say no, that doesn't work, or no Tuesday doesn't work but Wednesday does, or if you're heading this way on Saturday let me know.

He would rather moan to me about the situation.

As it stands I haven't seen DP properly in a week, and I still don't know if he is child free this evening. I can and have stayed over whilst DsS is there, but it's an old fashioned terrace house with the bathroom off the main bedroom which makes things all a little awkward.

AIBU - Suck it up and get on with it
YANBU - DP needs to grow a pair, and lay down some structure with Ex and DS

Unfortunately it's very much a suck it up buttercup situation. Won't be forever.

How does Dss feel about you being there at the same time as him? If he's fine with it, maybe do more of that?

I kind of think that wherever your parents live is your home (for a dc), so even though he has 2 homes, they both are. Ideally he'd feel free to come and go as suits him.

But as someone in a similar situation as you, I understand it's not what you're used to or what you expected, so I sympathise.

Circumstances change. Its only temporary ish.

It just doesn’t work like that, when you have kids it’s a full time full time responsibility surely you know that if you have children?
You can’t just say ‘too bad I don’t want to see you because it’s not my day’.

I understand your frustration but at the end of the day, this is his DS' home and you don't get a say. If you were married and had children together, this would just be life ie with little child free time and lots of last minute changes in plans as teenagers make new plans etc. So, frankly, with your DP's DS still being a relatively young teenager, that's his life.

And no, your DP cannot say to his DS "you can't come over tonight". By doing that what he's oding is telling him that his home is NOT also his DS' home. And that's not okay. Adut children - sure, no problem. But not teenagers.

This is parenting teens. DP must be available. If it were me id stay at my house and expect DP to.communicate in advance to kiddo via ex when it is not convention to drop on and then be at yours. Tbh this should be minimal. Its his son.

He is 14 not 4 and it is his home, not yours. He sees his friends.....and unless he has some learning development delay could be left on his own to occupy himself for a while. So I am not seeing the problem.

You really expect someone to tell their own teenager that they're not welcome in their home unless it's planned and agreed in advance?
You're being very unreasonable.

DPs place is either his sons home, or it isn’t.

It’s not home if it’s only by prior arrangement / agreement.

It might be that some house rules are required for all like announcing yourself when you come through the front door, not bringing visitors in without checking with other residents first.

Normalising you being there and sharing a bed etc. If you and DP want guarenteed child free time then may need to schedule it better. Im assuming you preferred going to his as his only had chikdren part time whereas yours has them full time. His is now the same as yours.

Child comes first.

Can you imagine saying to one of your children when they were 14 years old ‘Sorry, you can’t come home today - maybe see you on Wednesday’ ?

Since when is 3 miles "out of area" its a 30min walk ffs.
A 14 year old will want an adhoc arrangement going on anyway and if you interfere with the relationship between father and son expect to lose your relationship with your boyfriend

I think you just go on the assumption that he will or could always be there - just like your own children in your home. I think it's lovely that his children rely on him and it's so important for a teenager (and their friends) to feel welcome in the home. Definitely need to either adjust or end the relationship if that doesn't work (which is fair enough, you're in a different stage - your partner is years away from fully independent children).

Telling his son he is restricted on when the boy is in his home, to facilitate his sex life would make him a shit parent.
The boyfriend should be putting in effort to actually take you on dates, and shouldn't be whingeing to you.

Yabu. Your dp may only have DS 50% of the time officially but he's a father 100% of the time, DPs home is his son's home, and no 14yo should have to pre-schedule when he is allowed to be at home.

What would you do if DsS lived with DP full time? You'd still go out on date nights and he'd leave the teenager with something simple to pop into the airfryer and licence to play as much Playstation as he can do before he gets home. So arrange occasional date nights out anyway, and if DsS turns up you carry on with your plans. Do not make plans on the assumption that he'll be elsewhere as per schedule. Make plans as if he lived with DP full time.

If the relationship with DP wouldn't be tenable if DsS lived with DP full time then the relationship must end. DP's first priority must be his child.

Your DPs home is also his son's home, he should be able to come and go as he chooses. It's completely understandable that he wants to spend time at his dad's if it's nearer to school and his friends. I think you just have to suck it up, he's 14 so only a few more years and he'll be an adult. Until then, his needs come first with your DP. I wouldn't listen to DP moaning about it though - it's called being a parent so not sure what he's got to moan about!

I’d work on the assumption that he’ll always be there and plan accordingly.

um, no. As a father you don’t get to tell a 14 year old when they aren’t allowed to be in their own house I’m afraid. Can you imagine that op? Saying to your DCs when they were 14 that they couldn’t come home on Tuesday night for example? I’m sorry you’ve lost your structure but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than suck it up.

There have been occasions when DsS could have caught us "in flagrante", had I have not had bat like hearing.

If you mean having sex then get a bolt for the bedroom door.

As for the rest of it, it's the boy's home and he should be welcome in it at any time.

You’re being outrageously unreasonable. You want to enjoy your own sons in their home with you, with you coming and going as suits you without restrictions; but you think it’s wrong that DP can’t have the same with his son? Of that stepson can’t come and go from his own home as he pleases?

You want people to live their lives to a schedule they can communicate to you in advance so that you can optimize your life?

Give over. Why doesn’t your DO stay over at yours? Because your sons are there? Well his son is at his house. And before you say “well he can go to his mum’s house, my sons have no other house”: this boy is a child, your sons are adults who can live in their own houses (renting, for example, like DP’s daughters do) or go to their dads’ houses.

Listen to yourself. Unbelievable.

They moved three miles hardly out of the area - a bike ride if that.

Youa re going to have to suck it up

Thank you for your replies. Suck it up and get on with it the resounding message.

Completely agree that a parent is full time - I've been a full time mum for the last 24 years, and it is most definitely not a case of me wanting him to say "I don't want to see you it's not my day".

Probably more that I had got quite used to the adult only time (and that doesn't just mean sex life), things are changing and I either need to suck it up or decide that it doesn't work any more.

Couldn’t you tell your adult sons living at home that: ‘Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday don’t work for me this week, you’re going to have to sort out an alternative place to stay on those nights’. That way, you get a childfree house and your DP can stay at yours.

(No you probably wouldn’t say that to your sons…)

Decide it doesn’t work anymore?

Because the father you chose to date … is in fact a father?

Your outlook on this situation is really quite staggering.