AIBU to want more structure around partner’s time with his son?

[whoamikidding43]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I, 46F, in long term relationship 55M. Single mum 3 adult DS 24,22,19, live at home. DP 2 DD 26,24 (renting), 1 DS 14, split living arrangement.

We've been together 4 years, separate homes, but until recently quite a structured planned time together. DsS with DP every other weekend, and alternating 3 week nights/ 2 week nights.

Until last summer DP and his Ex lived within a 10 minute walk of each other and within a 15 minute walk of his DsS's school. His Ex moved out of the area, about 3 miles down the road. Extra travel time to school (lifts/bus when he is at hers overnight term time), then after school hanging out at DP's whilst DP is at work until Ex picks him up when she finishes work, not a 9-5 job.

Before the holidays DP received a message from Ex saying DsS has asked for flexibility over the summer, as of course DsS wants to spend time hanging out with his friends who are local to DP.

I did foresee this. When Ex announced she was moving and DsS was upset about moving out of the area. I highlighted to DP that it would inevitably end up with DsS at his house more. I have no problem with that, he is a lovely lad and we get on really well.

The issue I currently have is that I miss the structure, and knowing in advance what nights DP is child free. I too work full time, and then also have my own house and chores to contend with and though my DS's are older I still enjoy cooking and sitting down to dinner with them. I enjoy my time at home too.

The other issue I have is that on the child free weekends, DP's DS shows up unannounced, with friends and hangs out at DP's house. There have been occasions when DsS could have caught us "in flagrante", had I have not had bat like hearing.

I have tried to be accommodating of this flexibility, it is of course DsS's home, but I am struggling with the lack of structure. DP seems to walk on eggshells around his DS and will not say no, that doesn't work, or no Tuesday doesn't work but Wednesday does, or if you're heading this way on Saturday let me know.

He would rather moan to me about the situation.

As it stands I haven't seen DP properly in a week, and I still don't know if he is child free this evening. I can and have stayed over whilst DsS is there, but it's an old fashioned terrace house with the bathroom off the main bedroom which makes things all a little awkward.

AIBU - Suck it up and get on with it
YANBU - DP needs to grow a pair, and lay down some structure with Ex and DS

I think part of it is the new stage right? Teenagers have very different schedules to children - my daughter is around or not and comes and goes and goes to bed later than I do sometimes. It's not like when my kids were younger and 7pm bedtime then loads of hours for me to hang out with my husband or watch telly or whatever.

yeah, it's a shift and it's actually a healthy one in the context of your DP and his DS. But I do get it. Last week DH and I were devastated slightly disappointed when DD was out and DS announced at the last minute that he was NOT, in fact, going to the party he was supposed to be going to!

Can't you meet at your house on the child free nights? Then he can either tell his son he's not in, or go back home later, but at least you won't be disturbed

We do not have sex when DsS is in the house.

My post was to ask if I was unreasonable to be struggling with the way things are going or whether my partner should be setting some boundaries/parameters with his son and Ex. For example giving us a heads up if he was heading our way on a day he would normally at his mum's, or saying no occasionally if we have plans. The same way I would have said no to my boys if I had plans and couldn't take them somewhere.

It was never about saying “you’re not welcome”.

As far as I am aware, we are all allowed to have boundaries, to be honest about what isn’t working for us. I was asking whether my feelings were unreasonable and whether there was a better way for my partner and I to manage the situation — not suggesting his son shouldn’t be welcome in his own dad’s home.

whether my partner should be setting some boundaries/parameters with his son and Ex.

It’s DS’s home.
If he wants to be there every day then he is welcome to.

Would you be happy if your DP asked your DCs to stay at their dads on weekends?

I think people are reacting to this sentence of yours:

DP seems to walk on eggshells around his DS and will not say no, that doesn't work, or no Tuesday doesn't work but Wednesday does, or if you're heading this way on Saturday let me know.

That does very much sound like you would like your DP to tell his son he can't come over as and when he wants to, but when it suits your DP and you. At 14 kids are fine to be home on their own, so telling him he can't come over would only be because his dad doesn't want him in his house at those times and that is unreasonable as a parent.

Edited to add, you don't seem to want to have the same rule for your kids who are actual adults. They can stay in their home whenever they want to, but not your DPs son.

You are very welcome to tell him you can't drive him somewhere, but you can't really tell him to 'give warning' about going to his own home.

We do not have sex when DsS is in the house

Why?

How do other people manage to have sex when they live with children? What happens if DP stays with you?

There is an option to be quiet about it!

It was never about saying “you’re not welcome”.
As far as I am aware, we are all allowed to have boundaries,

When the boundaries are about telling your BF when he should tell his DS he isn’t allowed in his home then it absolutely is a case of ‘you’re not welcome’.
No idea how you seem to be blaming the ex for this either.

The bathroom and bedroom issue is what needs sorting, for everyone's privacy. Next time your partner moans about any of this, ask him how he's getting on with adding a second bathroom or adapting the current one so you don't all have to traipse through the main bedroom. That's simply not appropriate for a blended family and if your partner expects to have you stay over, he needs to get cracking on fixing it. I would not be staying over there in the meantime. As everyone else says, you can't expect the son to give notice as if he's booking a hotel room.

14 year old boy is allowed to come and go as he wishes in his own home.

Yup yabu

You do have to suck it up, yes. But while the downside of him being older is he can more easily pick and choose when he can turn up which means less of a schedule, the upside is you can leave him at home and go out for dinner just the two of you. Start booking in a ‘date night’ and go to the pub/cinema/for a walk just you two.

Do you and your BF sleep over together at your house? If not, why not?

Because they sound like responsible people who don’t want to traumatise his son. No matter how quiet you think you’re being, kids can still potentially hear, and there’s nothing more disgusting as a child than hearing your parent shagging.

I am struggling with what you describe as out of the area

It’s 3 miles.

Not too sure why there is such a big deal made over him getting to and from school or why he needs picking up. Surely he would just get the bus or walk to and from school or your dp at some point during the evening could drive him home or the DS could get home himself.
He is 14 and should be capable of getting himself around and being home alone. Especially at this time of the year.

I apologise for missing the point of the thread completely

Could you sort the bathroom situation at his house to make it less awkward when you are all there? I've never heard of a traditional terrace with the only bathroom off the main bedroom (kitchen yes) so I can't quite imagine the set up but would it be possible to put a door through from the hall?

Your outlook is quite comical for somebody who still has 3 (adullt) children at home. I'm assuming they come and go as they please?

Id imagine your partners house will be the 14year olds primary residence from here on in solely based on location. 14 is a pretty rubbish age to have to move house.

Oh. So is everyone celibate from the 1st child being 0 - 18ish? And all children are only children? Because that’s just not true is it?

or saying no occasionally if we have plans

You want a father to tell his son he can't come home because his girlfriend is there and he can't be there when she's there? So he can have sex?

If you're going out, the boy is old enough to be at home alone in his dad's house until his dad gets back.

What you are you saying? Can you see the double standards? You've got THREE adult sons at home and you won't have DP over at yours, so you want this man to turf out his CHILD so you can go to his house?

Surely this can't be real? Surely - SURELY - this isn't what you understand by the word "boundaries"?

I totally get your frustration. I Like structure, even when it comes to my biological children. They live with me and very rarely do they go to their dads now but on the weekends they do, it is highly frustrating when he drops one off back a day early or at 1300hrs instead of the arranged 1900hrs without even a heads up. I find it rude and disrespectful, but it is what it is kinda just have to suck it up 😜. I have explained to my teens that I have no objection if they wish to come home early but to be respectful that I may have plans therefore the polite thing to do is to double check or at least to give me a heads up x

Let him catch you in flagrante once and I promise he will ring to give notice next time 😅

Seriously though, YANBU to find it a bit frustrating, but this is a suck it up situation. It’s not forever. Could DP stay at yours more on a schedule and let his DS know when he will and won’t be at home? Whether DS is allowed to stay at home alone is a separate matter!

My DP and I have hardly any 'adult only' time - have a teen around most of the time as he is hardly ever at his dad's. We are a family unit of our own, and have developed our own little traditions/jokes/things to do together. It has also become easier since he has become a bit more independent. We can leave him at home and go out for a drink. It is all part and parcel of being a parent and dating a parent. It is all a phase in any case.

Why can’t DP just be at your house to see you. 14 year old doesn’t need dad to be at home all the time. Problem solved?

Son comes first and I have no doubt that if the situations were reversed you would put your child first

So you have 3 actual adult men living in your home which your dp has to accommodate. But his little boy is only allowed home by prior appointment on your say so? It’s interesting how your dp’s adult children of a similar age have managed to fly the nest, while all of yours have failed to launch and are still hanging off your apron strings. Yet of course these grown men (because they’re yours) should come before his child…