AIBU to think abused children do not owe care to parents later?

[Nousernameideaaga]

If a child was abused and neglected throughout their childhood by their parents , and their whole life has been shaped by their childhood experiences , do they still have a moral duty to provide care or to ensure care is provided to those adults later in life?

IN THESE SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES, NOT IN GENERAL

Yes - YABU

No - YANBU

The thing is the terms abuse and neglect are used far differently to how they once were. For example, my mum not running over when I fell in the playground/not letting me interrupt her conversation with another adult to complain about things is thought by some to be great parenting, making a resilient and respectful human being, but now some people would call that neglect/abuse.
Before FAFO parenting came in, some parents used gentle parenting, and in some forms, that could be called abusive, because having a child who has never heard no (yes, some parents have said that no one is allowed to say no to their child) could be called abusive, because that child will have a difficult time forming relationships/might be horrible to partners because they're used to the work revolving around them.
So as any style of parenting could be called neglect/abuse, then no, it's not an excuse, and most cultures have always prioritised the circle of life-your parents kept you alive, and you owe them at least that back.

Nobody calls your mother not running over when you fell in the playground abusive.
Not if it's a single instance.

If it's part of a pattern of your mother not showing the slightest interest in you or caring for you, then it's abuse. But it's never about just one thing.

Sorry, are you saying that parent on child abuse is not an “excuse” for children to not care for their parents in old age?

Repeat after me - fuck ‘em.

That wasn’t the question

the question was if a child has experienced abuse (actual abuse , not a definition of abuse made up by you 🤷🏻‍♀️) then do they still have a moral duty to organise or provide care.

I said YANBU but as someone in that current situation I am finding it incredibly hard!

It is very hard

If you are struggling with it, I would recommend talking/counselling.

And if you need to do something, help some other people. Volunteer, put a fiver in a collection tin, something to make you feel that other people are looking after your parent and you are ‘paying it forward’ by volunteering a food bank or a hospital WRVS cafe or other random thing.

But there’s no obligation, this might help you if you need it.

If my abusive parent had lived through cancer, I wouldn't be in contact, never mind care for him in old age.

you don’t owe your abusive parents a thing.

focus on your own life and healing from what they did to you.

Abusive parents who expect the adult children that they abused to provide elderly care for them are just carrying on the children abuse into adulthood.

On the Elderly Parents board there are lots of people (pretty much exclusively daughters) who had very abusive childhoods but still provide hands-on care to their abusive elderly parents out of a sense of duty, guilt or, in some cases, cultural expectations.

That's a very individualistic/selfish point of view. If we don't care about each other, then who will? The state? UK welfare system is collapsing while the elderly are clogging hospital beds. Because nobody is taking them. Because they have your attitude. It's unfeasible in the long term.
In many countries around the world the grown up children are legally responsible for their elderly parents if they require care. Similarly why parents are legally reponsible for their underage children. We might be looking at similar solution in the UK in the years to come.

I'm going against the grain. I believe we should all take care of our parents in old age. It's non-negotiable for me.

However, if parents are truly abusive, then there is no obligation to look after them at any age.

Just keeping a child alive is a very low bar to determine that parents aren't abusive. Doing the very bare minimum to keep a child alive and nothing else (no love or affection) would certainly not mean that the adult children would at least owe their parents that.

Not keeping a child alive due to either neglect or violent abuse would be murder or manslaughter and punishable by prosecution and imprisonment.

Did you miss the abuse part?

That specifically means they did not care or look after.

No - YANBU

The way you are asking your question presupposes that generally adult children do have a 'moral duty' to organise or provide care, and being abused provides an opt out. I don't see it like that. Some adult children want to care for their ageing parents out of love and concern, rather than duty. Others don't want anything to do with their inoffensive and loving parents however much they are suffering.

I do think though that if caring for an ageing parent is actually traumatic for an adult child, rather than 'just' exhausting and heartbreaking as it often is, they should step back from it.

No