AIBU to think abused children do not owe care to parents later?

[Nousernameideaaga]

If a child was abused and neglected throughout their childhood by their parents , and their whole life has been shaped by their childhood experiences , do they still have a moral duty to provide care or to ensure care is provided to those adults later in life?

IN THESE SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES, NOT IN GENERAL

Yes - YABU

No - YANBU

No one has a duty to care for their parents, many may choose to but lots don’t are can’t

I mean in the specific circumstances listed in the first post

Not generally

The answer is noone does, the fact they were abused doesnt matter. They arent more of less obligated because of abuse. Society may look kinder on them choosing not to provide support because of the abuse though.

If my parents had abused and neglected me as a child then no chance in he'll would I care for them in old age. What goes around comes around. Don't ever feel guilty for not helping either

No child owes care to their parents. I didn’t have children to have them wipe my butt when I’m old. Dh, yes, that’s a contract we agreed to with marriage, but I don’t expect that of my kids.

No, they are not obliged to care for their abusers. Hope you are okay, OP.

I was raised in those specific circumstances and I absolutely won't be providing any care for my mother.
In fact, I haven't even spoken to her for several years.

Abuse isn’t relevant. Nobody is obliged to look after their parents. Parents choose to have children so have an obligation to care for them (for life, not just until they’re 18), but it doesn’t go both ways.

Of course if they were abusive.... No moral need to care for them. Obvious no?

Morally I do think people should do some things to care and look after parents, because they are family and if they looked after, cared for you and loved you why not show affection and help the people who raised you

Of course they don’t.

I’m hoping I stay rational and don’t want a lot of care from DS if I need it. I do not want my DS life ruined by having to care for me long term.

I think caring falls in to different categories, mainly that people do want to care for their older relatives as they love them but there is some protectionism of inheritance.

Then there is a third difficult way, your in laws. It takes a lot to care for someone. MIL needed care last year it messed up DH first year of retirement. Same has happened to a woman friend with her in laws. DH went to live with her for 2 months in total after her op and radiotherapy.

I didn’t like how I felt as was peeved, she hasn’t been an especially nice MIL to me but even if someone has been it takes a lot to be a carer. It breaks people, that truly love the person they are caring for. My friend and I talked about it and as I said they didn’t kiss our knees when we fell over when we were little,

Obviously not since no parent deserves care from their kid.

As others have said, no one should be obliged to care for a parent even if they were the best parent in the world.

Not everyone discloses their abuse which is why I will never judge a person who declines to participate in their parent’s care. No one has any obligation, but especially someone who knows what the elderly person was capable of while not dealing with the heightened mood that comes from needing care.

I don’t think any child owes care to their parents. Abused or not

Well, specifically then, clearly not. Isn’t it obvious?

You would think so. But apparently not 🤷🏻‍♀️

When you marry or form a partnership "in sickness and in health" is part of the vow you make to one another. Children do not make that vow or ask to come into the world. They owe no more of a duty to their parents than they would to any other human being. A great deal depends upon how their parents treated them.

In the case OP has raised here I would say no and without guilt.

No-one here would look after the people who raised them and loved them? You'd just shove them in a care home?

You read the op, right? Because it seems you did not.

Personally, in the case of abuse and neglect, there’s still no obligation to even if it didn’t affect you through the rest of your life. So, no obligation at all if you were not cared for, whether the abuse did or didn’t cause problems for you later. Specifically, as you’ve asked about it causing you problems throughout the rest of your life, a definite no.

Abused children owe their parents nothing. Zero.
Although there are threads I’ve seen on here where woman end up looking after a parent who abused them and it’s horrific.
I cared for both of my parents who were both fabulous parents - caring and loving - and they both said when we get old put us in a home, live your life.
And then when they were both terminally ill expected me to care for them. For a variety of reasons I did so, but there’s a huge difference between saying ‘I would never have my child care for me’ and then facing a terminal prognosis.
People often trot out how admirable it is, but I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy and that’s when you care for loving people.

I know but if the parent wasn't abusive

Nice emotive language there. Some people "shove" their elderly relatives into a care home that has been carefully chosen because they know they are unable (for whatever reason, including the care needs being too great) to look after them themselves.

Parents have children because they choose to look after, care for and love them.

The fact that they did that to age 18 does not mean that there is any moral obligation for their children to look after them in older life.

I can see that if the parents/children have a good relationship as adults and they were good parents when their children were under 18(so not the OP situation) then the children might want to do some things to support their parents, but they should not be morally obliged to. There is also a wealth of different between taking your parent on an occasional hospital visit, regularly helping with household jobs and being a 24/7 carer (for example).