AIBU to think abused children do not owe care to parents later?

[Nousernameideaaga]

If a child was abused and neglected throughout their childhood by their parents , and their whole life has been shaped by their childhood experiences , do they still have a moral duty to provide care or to ensure care is provided to those adults later in life?

IN THESE SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES, NOT IN GENERAL

Yes - YABU

No - YANBU

Tbh I’m asking if somebody in the specific circumstances I described in the original post even has a moral duty to “shove them in a care home”

Of if they can just walk away , without guilt

Objectively, probably no. But we suffered neglect and as a result my siblings refuse to care for our parent at all, putting the (considerable) burden on me. I can see that our parent had significant challenges of their own so I am more able to forgive. I find it hard to accept my siblings' failure to forgive and to step up now.

Agreed. Like I ‘shoved’ both of mine into hospice care because I was caring solo and couldn’t keep it all going.
Shoved as in went with both via ambulance, came home, never slept, couldn’t stop crying, spent hours each day there and had to bring washing home and take it back the next day.
However, lots of very poignant moments watching Acorn Antiques with my mum and The Royle Family with my dad, whose famous last words to me actually were…
Brexit, my arse!
Loved them, miss them both, but no complicated grief as they were great people.
For those caring for parents even with strained times - and MN has a whole section - it’s a tough job.

I don't even think that non abusive parents are owed care!

And we're saying that the circumstances don't matter. Children are owed care by their parents, but the opposite does not apply. This is true both legally and morally. Now, if the parents were good and loving, the adult child may well want to care for them just out of love, and that's wonderful. But I personally don't think it should be a given.

Spit it out then: are you under pressure in such a family situation?
You already have an instinctive reaction to that, it seems (ie you know that morally, no such obligation exists).
If your ageing parents are insisting that you become their carer or indeed any variation or part of that, can you not simply refuse to engage?
How have they such close access to you in any case, if there’s a history of abuse? Is there a heavy reason (cultural?) why you are even in contact with them?
Stay adamant, if this is your situation, and don't let family digs and threats through your armour while you strengthen your position of ‘You must be bloody joking!’

It depends on a lot of factors.

Nobody is obliged to take care of elderly relatives. In my case, my dad is definitely on the receiving end of "actions have consequences" - I'm not involved in his care, never will be and frankly, I'm not feeling any guilt around it. With my inlaws, it was more a case of "you can't help those who won't help themselves" - if you dip into the Elderly Parents board at any point, there is are many of us trying to help aging relatives who push very hard against any help, until there is a crisis and then it's too late. We offered to arrange care packages and cleaners, adaptations to the house, but were met with resistance. A stroke and a fall later, and there was no option other than residential care.

No child has a moral duty to.provide care for their parents.

I made it clear to my mom that I would get support in if she ever needed it, so that we could continue to be mother and daughter.

Just walk away. There’s usually someone who knows what’s going on like neighbour, GP, someone like that. And once an official person is involved (ie not the neighbour) then they get put on the list to watch out, and social workers, nurses, patient transport etc etc.

Is this you? Just walk away. Go and have a nice cup of tea somewhere.

This, i understand children might feel obligated but nobody owes them.

Often abused and neglected children "love" their parents and still need their approval, it is such a shame and it is deep rooted.

How dare you

my father had dementia, was completely immobile,doubly incontinent and could only eat puréed food.

nobody “shoved him in a care home”, we chose a specialist facility that could meet his needs and keep him safe.

Your last paragraph is perfect

Thankyou

(also are you some sort of author/writer? Because not only was it perfect but it was also bloody brilliant)

And also, yes.

They didn’t put the burden on you, you chose to provide care. You didn’t have to and your siblings owe neither of you anything
My sibling resets me because when our mother has been ill she has provided care. We were both neglected but our mum has been more supportI’ve if her as an adult. My sister expects me to step up more, but I’ve made my choice. If my sister wants to make a different one then that’s on her

There is a world of difference between keeping an eye on someone, taking them shopping and helping with random things around the house, to being on hand 12/7 or even 24/7 and providing intimate personal care.

The first scenario is what I would assume most people from "functional" backgrounds would probably do, or be happy to share with siblings.

Once someone has got to the point they can no longer look after themselves or their home, then this is beyond what most people can cope with, especially if they are still working full time or have their own family demands to deal with.

This is when people need to take responsibility for themselves, sort out a care package, a cleaner, a gardener etc and not assume they can leave it to everyone around them to sort out.

Ideally this has been discussed with everyone concerned - and costed - and relevant paperwork is in place (POAs etc) before it becomes an urgent necessity. We should all have some basic idea of how we would like our later years to pan out. If someone is adamant they don't want to go into a home then they need to take the initiative and sort out what they DO want.

But I digress. If you don't come from a functional home and have suffered as a result of parental decisions or actions then you need to protect yourself and not get sucked back into the old dynamic. The basis of planning ahead for yourself applies to everyone, abusive parents included.

My parents were abusive, especially my mother, and I did not help them at all in their old age. Didn't even see them in fact. Strangely, my elder sister who was also abused, did help them both out as did other 2 siblings to a lesser degree. She denies the abuse and says I'm mad or a liar. Supported in that by rest of family, many in the community, mental health services etc.

If anyone's feeling guilty or being criticised about not supporting abusive parents, you do not owe them anything and don't have to justify yourself.

Absolutely not. However, you will find people will think you should.

I lost count of the number of times I heard “but he’s your father…” or my personal favourite “you only get one dad…” They, generally, stopped their bollocks instantly when I said “You think I’m obliged to give personal care to the man who deliberately broke my arm when I was 6?”

The other favourite was “he’s changed…” The reply of “I’ll be glad for those around him if he has. It doesn’t change my stance” did catch them off guard.

i lost contact with two of my three siblings over it, but I’d rather that than have had any dealings with that man.

No adults owe other adults personal care. If we have people we love and cherish we may choose to do it. If we have people we love and cherish we may choose not to do it. Someone whose abused us has a right fucking cheek expecting anything at all, let alone the love, strength and time care takes.

Same. I assume someone will inform me when she had died, but that’s all I’m expecting to happen. I won’t be visiting her on her death bed either.

But OP has specifically said she’s not interested in a generic answer, she (or he) is interested in a specific type of relationship and what you would do.

Same here.

I chose to go no contact with my mother years ago and I have no interest in seeing her again, even if she was on her death bed.

I've told MIL I'll be providing zero care for my own shit parents but I will for her because she has loved and cared for us over the years. She doesn't want us to do it because she is a selfless person but we'll see when we get there.

There’s often more pressure to care for abusive parents than loving ones. I’ve said I don’t want my children to care for me because I love them. I’ve said, put me in a home! Don’t do care yourself! And they know that’s my choice and because I care about them, they’ll have the support not to do care. Selfish people who don’t care about their DCs wellbeing won’t do that, they will push them to do care. A family that ignored a child being abused for an easy life for themselves will also want the easy option of a child doing the care, not sorting out paying for homes/carers.

Nobody owes care to their parents even if they were fantastic. You don't have kids because you want a carer when you get old and sick.

It's strictly one way. You have a child, you bring them up. You may well get absolutely nothing in return but the joy of having kids should be enough.

Of course many people want to care for their parents because they love them dearly and feel capable of doing so. But some can't or are unwilling.

Perfect . And the family that ignored it all , will also want the abused to ignore it now that it will benefit them again.