To not want DP to rent a flat for his 16 year old brother

[TheCrimson]

My partner has a younger brother, he’s 17 on tuesday his parents adopted him when he was around 1 and despite an age gap he's always been close to his brother even after he moved out and then moved a few hours away he still saw him often

We've been together for 5 years and I remember him being 12/13 and coming to stay with DP, (then both of us when I moved in when he was about 14) for the odd weekend and some days during the school holidays, basically whenever he wanted and he was always a sweet kid

He would talk street or like a ‘roadman’ from about a few months before he turned 15 which it did seem ridiculous as he lives in a nice little village outside of a niceish town (not rough by any means!) but everyone left him to it tbh but then his attitude and things changed we dont see him daily so we don't know what happened if anything but it did seem sudden and even partners parents didn't know what changed but he started getting distant with dp when previously they were close and DP would still gone on holidays with his parents etc (i would sometimes go but not anyways).

He failed his GCSEs and I believe he didn’t do any revision but dp hired a lamborghini to take him to his prom - we aren’t made of money it was about £500 which could’ve gone on other things but he wanted to do it for his brother

Then his parents found out he was smoking weed and cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people and his parents didn’t know where he was and things have just spiralled in a year if that. He was eventually removed from college due to his attendance and attitude when he was there and because that bit of routine had gone it made things worse. His dad works away and long hours so his mum was constantly calling DP as he doesnt listen to either parent even when his dad is there. They don’t know where he is half the time etc

Partner has been down there multiple times whenever his mum calls but nothing improves as he doesn’t listen to DP anymore either.

A couple weeks ago he was accused of spiking a girl’s drink , he denied it and the girl didn’t know it was him 100% as they were with other people and he denied it. Police were involved but it didn’t go anywhere then his parents told him they didn’t want him in the house if he was going to continue the same behaviours especially as they didn’t know what he was taking. He didn’t go home for a while and he told DP that they kicked him out and he was staying with his “friends” he did go home but his mum had said he’d been blanking them

Yesterday DP picked him up and they came back here to celebrate his birthday they went for food and to the cinema and they drank together and I left them to it after his brother made comments about girls playing “mind games” and how he gets bored after a month and things like that. DP did pull him up on it and say maybe he’s too young for a relationship etc etc. DP said he didn’t say much but they talked about general things and he went outside to smoke weed

Hes now got this idea that he’s thinking of looking for a flat to rent for his brother (we aren’t made of money like i said above) to live here and he’ll get into college here and have a fresh start. Im not sure how it’ll work and I don’t know if it’s a good idea and it’s our money not just his. It’s also too late for a college place this year I think? Finding a flat also won’t be super fast I don’t think so i don’t know what he’s going to do in the meantime

AIBU here? I feel like Im being selfish and he wants to help his brother but maybe it’s not the right way

I wasn't meaning to patronise you, so apologies if it came over that way.

But I still disagree with you 🙂

I get that DH wants to help his brother. But it could make things harder. On the practical side a landlord wouldn't allow it. He's also to vulnerable to be living alone like that. The people hes with would take advantage and it will end up a drugs den.

His parents could get help from socal services as he sounds vunerble and at risk. They could offer help and support.

If his parents get into a situation of him having to leave the house at 17 then he should go to the council and he could be put into supported accommodation. Where there are staff. They normally have to be in by a certain time. And they do wefare checks when hes out. When hes ready he would then be moved onto semi independent. Also if he's in supported accommodation once he turns 18 the council have a duty to house him. But if his parents tell him. To leave at 18 the council will not have a duty and he could end up steet homless. The reason i have said this is because your DH renting a place for him would come to an end. If things at home don't work out that comes to an end. But if he ends up in supported accommodation he should eventually get long term housing.

But the first thing to do is get him some support. Does he want things to change?

They won’t be renting it to a 17 year old, they’ll be renting it to DP. The 17 year old will just be living there. If DP rents a flat for his brother, he needs to set terms and conditions. Must attend uni, get a part time job, have fun, but stay out of trouble. Little brother violates terms and conditions, he gets ONE warning, then he’s out. It will be younger brother’s choice, and DP will have done what he could to help him.
OP, don’t make the mistake of asking your partner to choose between you and his brother. Either way, you’d lose.

It doesn’t matter. No private landlord will rent to anyone if a 17 year old will be the occupant.

they’ll need to lie and say it’s dh living there. Which may affect their own financial situation- ie if they’re looking to remortgage, council tax, o/p needs joint finance for anything.

and if he violates Dh’s terms then what? The dh will have a lease to pay for still. He can’t stop paying, or kick him out and pay for an empty flat…

at 17 he needs to present himself to the council/ss. Or o/p dh needs to think about taking him in.

the parents sound a bit crap kicking him out. I know adoption is tough though.

I’d suggest he moves out and in with his brother as they both seem equally immature and clueless

So agree with this.

That flat will turn into a party venue for weed-smoking teens in no time. And probably be trashed in the process.

Hiring that pimpmobile was a particularly clueless indulgence, too

No way do this but practically cant see this possible do you mean you partner will have 2 properies rented or 1 rented amd your mortgaged? Either way he never pass credit affordability checks which will be a blessing. If parents cant have him live there then he gors into supported housing as this is the best option for him. Your partner continues to guide him. Any chNce he may be living with you both? I wouldnt be up for that either. You will end up with a druggie dosser and his mates round all the time. Its really sad he needs help but he has to be willing to want himself

It's relevant in that it may be a huge part of why the young lad is acting out. He's most likely experienced substantial early trauma, and late teens is a tough age for many without that!

I don’t think she was patronising you in any way.

He will make him more vulnerable. A 17 year old with a paid for flat will become open house for predatory gangs, drug dealers, county lines etc who could cuckoo the place.

He has shown he doesn’t have maturity around decision-making yet. Your partner’s proposed solution seems knee-jerk, ill-informed and possibly driven by needing to be the hero in the story. He needs to understand this could crash down spectacularly and he could end up being a contributor.

No it isn’t. Yes they are brothers but children who are adopted often suffer from not knowing their roots and it can often result in this type of behaviour. The poor boy is screaming out for help. I only hope he receives it.

No no noooo!! His parents need to step up and guide him properly, not just shove him onto someone else

No, living alone in a flat with nobody to guide/keep an eye on him daily isn't going to help. He needs to improve his attitude before trusted with any of that and the weed isn't going to help...

The parents need to try and sort this out, with the help of his brother. It shouldn't fall on the shoulders of his brother alone. Spiking drinks, weed, the attitude towards girls etc, it's all rather horrible.

I’d price it up-find a flat and add all the costs your DH would bed to pay on top of that every single month. Gas, electricity, broadband, insurance, water, council tax, all on top of the rent. Show your DH that.

I bet it would end up being full of his dodgy mates who would trash the place!

Op trust your instincts, this is not going to end well for your DP or his brother, and your DP doesn't seem to have the maturity or sense to see this.

To young for a relationship but old enough to live in a flat alone? Yeah right.

No, it absolutely is relevant. It’s highly likely that the teen brother is struggling with complex trauma, loss, disordered attachments, possibly undiagnosed neurodivergences and possibly undiagnosed foetal alcohol spectrum disorder. Adopted teens and care experienced teens struggle significantly more than their peers who have not faced the childhood ACEs they have.

I don't think that would be a good idea as he would have no guidance in the flat. Being adopted or in care has massive long term effects on mental health and wellbeing and needs working through. I think having a good talk with him and a new start in a new city might be just what he needs. It sounds like they have a really good bond. I would be offering him a bed in your flat and asking him to stop taking drugs as part of a new start. I realise there is no quick fix for this. I think your DP sounds like a good person.

op I think your partner sounds incredibly loyal and committed to his brother. He sounds like an amazing big brother.

little bro is entitled to suppprt from the local authority as an adopted child and I would strongly encourage dp to make a referral and get a worker on board to help. He will be entitled to support from the adoption suppprt fund and specialist work which his adoptive parents may have accessed.
secondly as what sounds like a child who can no longer live at home he should be entitled to accommodation under the Southwark ruling and he should be able to get housing benefit and universal credit. I wonder if supported living would be better than a flat on his own.

if you decide to do the flat he will be entitled to housing benefit which isn’t much at his age but it’s not nothing. He needs a housing assessment and a benefits calculator. His parents may need to write a letter stating he cannot live with them.

this is textbook adoptee teen behaviour and his background is very very relevant. I would suggest dp does some reading online.

thirdly if he decides to rent the flat I would lay down some ground rules and expectations but since the renters bill is coming into force it will be really hard to backtrack if things go wrong so I would strongly suggest approaching the local authority first. There are housing associations in my area which will do a trial in a flat for a few weeks as a tenancy test which would be really appropriate here.

lastly dp sounds like he just wants to help. Spending time with him working on independence skills would be really good - paying bills, budgeting and meal planning. I would also suggest a regular check in such as having him over for tea once a week to see how it’s going.

And the OP reads like he was adopted on Tuesday 😂. OP, a few structured sentences would have helped here.

His parents should be responsible for him.

Adoptions break down, especially in the teenage years. Adoptive parenting is extreme parenting. If the teen has gone back into care, then the parents may, depending on legal orders, share parental responsibility with the local authority or actually no longer have any parental responsibility.