To not want DP to rent a flat for his 16 year old brother

[TheCrimson]

My partner has a younger brother, he’s 17 on tuesday his parents adopted him when he was around 1 and despite an age gap he's always been close to his brother even after he moved out and then moved a few hours away he still saw him often

We've been together for 5 years and I remember him being 12/13 and coming to stay with DP, (then both of us when I moved in when he was about 14) for the odd weekend and some days during the school holidays, basically whenever he wanted and he was always a sweet kid

He would talk street or like a ‘roadman’ from about a few months before he turned 15 which it did seem ridiculous as he lives in a nice little village outside of a niceish town (not rough by any means!) but everyone left him to it tbh but then his attitude and things changed we dont see him daily so we don't know what happened if anything but it did seem sudden and even partners parents didn't know what changed but he started getting distant with dp when previously they were close and DP would still gone on holidays with his parents etc (i would sometimes go but not anyways).

He failed his GCSEs and I believe he didn’t do any revision but dp hired a lamborghini to take him to his prom - we aren’t made of money it was about £500 which could’ve gone on other things but he wanted to do it for his brother

Then his parents found out he was smoking weed and cigarettes and hanging out with the wrong people and his parents didn’t know where he was and things have just spiralled in a year if that. He was eventually removed from college due to his attendance and attitude when he was there and because that bit of routine had gone it made things worse. His dad works away and long hours so his mum was constantly calling DP as he doesnt listen to either parent even when his dad is there. They don’t know where he is half the time etc

Partner has been down there multiple times whenever his mum calls but nothing improves as he doesn’t listen to DP anymore either.

A couple weeks ago he was accused of spiking a girl’s drink , he denied it and the girl didn’t know it was him 100% as they were with other people and he denied it. Police were involved but it didn’t go anywhere then his parents told him they didn’t want him in the house if he was going to continue the same behaviours especially as they didn’t know what he was taking. He didn’t go home for a while and he told DP that they kicked him out and he was staying with his “friends” he did go home but his mum had said he’d been blanking them

Yesterday DP picked him up and they came back here to celebrate his birthday they went for food and to the cinema and they drank together and I left them to it after his brother made comments about girls playing “mind games” and how he gets bored after a month and things like that. DP did pull him up on it and say maybe he’s too young for a relationship etc etc. DP said he didn’t say much but they talked about general things and he went outside to smoke weed

Hes now got this idea that he’s thinking of looking for a flat to rent for his brother (we aren’t made of money like i said above) to live here and he’ll get into college here and have a fresh start. Im not sure how it’ll work and I don’t know if it’s a good idea and it’s our money not just his. It’s also too late for a college place this year I think? Finding a flat also won’t be super fast I don’t think so i don’t know what he’s going to do in the meantime

AIBU here? I feel like Im being selfish and he wants to help his brother but maybe it’s not the right way

The fact that he was adopted at the age of one, is relevant. Goodness knows what his life was like before he was adopted. He possibly suffered abuse, serious neglect. He will also have attachment issues. Does he not have a social worker? I'd of thought that the family must of had an allocated social worker for support.
Renting a flat for him is a really bad idea, he needs intensive support from social services.

YANBU - it's nice DH wants to help but I would have serious concerns about this.

I don’t know where you live , but our local colleges Provide accommodation for young people to live in term time - Is that an option for him . And no it’s not too late to apply for college , you can apply right up to date of course starting normally

Honestly OP, get out of this situation.
It is not going to end well.

Anyone silly enough to spend £500 he doesn't have on a car driver for someone is an idiot.

Get away from this stupidity and drama if you have any sense.

I agree with you OP. A flat is a massive commitment and dead money for you that you could put into your own mortgage or pensions etc.

It will just enable the younger brother to have fun and not work. What happens five years down the line when DP is still paying and wants to stop - if he stops he’ll be the bad guy who made his brother homeless!

He’s more likely to end up falling out with his brother if he does this than if he doesn’t, paradoxically.

How about the military for the young man?

This would be idiotic. How much money would your DH be throwing away each month on rent and bills for his brother to entertain his ‘wrong crowd’ friends?!

I’d focus on helping him repair relations with his parents and support him with traits.

Since he is showing no self-awareness or remorse for his choices, putting him in a flat where he has the freedom to do what he wants with little oversight is not suddenly going to produce a change in him. The risks he takes are only going to get bigger, as will the consequences. Your partner might think he’s helping his little brother but he would be setting him up for a fail. Your partner should encourage his parents to contact adoption services for support on how to manage his behaviour and ensure he has support.

So your husband would be immediately breaking the tenancy agreement.

Doesn't he realise that within a week the neighbours will have called the police due to drugs and parties?

He'd have to be insane to think this was a good idea. I think he's insane for spending £500 on a limo for someone who did fuck all for their exams, though, and I think he's insane for letting a sixteen-year-old boy smoke weed in your garden, particularly given the connection between weed and mental health problems and lethargy.

For me it would be a LTB moment - if my partner behaved like yours, OP, I would end the relationship.

Yep the police, and the council get involved and start contacting the landlord. Pressure is put on the landlord to evict the tenant, except the tenant isn't resident. So they come knocking on the rent payers door. It can turn into a giant expensive mess very quickly.

In the nicest way, your partner sounds clueless. Like he is trying to relive his teens through his brother

No way. It’s absolutely stupid to even consider it. His parents are responsible for him, not his brother. Aren’t they embarrassed that he refuses to listen to him so they’re relying on your partner to parent him? They should be. It’s your money too that he’d be lobbing down the drain. Veto that madness head on and don’t agree to the wannabe gangster moving in either which might be the next thing he considers.

I thought that - such a huge red flag.

It's a massive assumption on my part I know, but the changes in behaviour, no effort at school, turning away from family would all be considered safeguarding and concerns when looked at as a whole picture.
I think there's a real risk/possibility he has been "looked after" (groomed- criminal exploitation) by older people, and that these so called friends will have him dealing out of his flat within days if this went ahead.

Terrible idea. The brother does not sound mature enough to live in a flat on his own. Do you and your DP share finances? Make sure he continues to pay his share of your joint bills. I would wager the flat will be used as a doss house or he will be dealing or growing weed. I don’t think your DP has thought this through.

@chocoluv I agree with you, his parents need to be sorting this out, not his brother. It sounds like he's moved back home but is still acting up - I think they should reach out to adoption services as @Heretohelp1111 says to get some support for him and themselves.

His brother can continue to be supportive and a positive influence, but not a substitute parent.

Did the boys adoptive parents ever seek support from the adoption agency he came from? I would have thought/hoped that they would have had counselling services to support families in similar circumstances. What do the parents think?

Getting the flat in your partners name is absolutely bonkers IMO. Protect yourself and your finances OP. Your partner is incredibly naive and hasn't thought of the repercussions of this.

This is how I read the situation too. A vulnerable impressionable teenager who has a high chance of having attachment disorder. This is highly prevalent in kids who were not adopted immediately- it not only results in an inability to create healthy relationships but also means they can seek inappropriate friendships and relationships too. it sounds like he is really at risk of getting in with the county lines drugs gangs and as PP says, the change in personality is a red flag for this. I genuinely would be seeking out social services at this stage. If he has t got a social worker allocated then they would certainly have him on file .

Absolutely no way - having his own flat will just make him a target to the type of people you don’t want him mixing with.

i think shared accommodation would probably be better - an independent living type place - so he has some freedom, but there’s still adults overseeing everything. I lived in a hostel like that when I was 16 and honestly loved it!

Does he actually want to go to college? Maybe an apprenticeship will suit him better? What’s he interested in?

He’s not mature enough to attend college, live at home with his parents under their rules then he’s definitely not mature enough to live alone.

i fully understand why your do wants to help his brother but it’s not just him, you are his partner and he needs to consider you in all this.

Id be very worried about his views on girls and the accusations of spiking drinks, I’d feel very uncomfortable around him tbh.

If your partner wants to help him he needs to get him to understand his behaviour is unacceptable and that he needs to start living by rules. Maybe a job would be better for now, it dosnt have to be long term but something that gives him some responsibility.

At 16/17, he would be hugely vulnerable to exploitation of all kinds. Your DP will not be able to provide all the support he will need and it is not clear he even wants to go to college. Your DP would be better to try and support his parents to have his brother back home and make a plan from there.
The LA may offer some support to get back into education - and maybe access a mentor as others have suggested.

Even so, you’ll find it extremely difficult. Unless you lie and say it will be your dh living there. Then it will knock on for your living situation.

my friend is trying to get my 18 year old into a flat. It is not easy. Landlords simply have other options.

Bit drastic but I would try and encorage his parents to move way out of the area to cut his contact with his "mates" and get him into a local college .

Or if you DP is determined to go along with the flat idea he can live with him.
I would not want to be in the vicinity when it all goes tits up .

I am also an adopter so please don’t patronise me. The poster isn’t asking for advice or commentary about his behaviour, she’s talking about not wanting to support him financially and is trying to justify this by listing all the things he’s done that she doesn’t approve of. His status as an adopted child is irrelevant to whether or not she helps. I don’t announce my child’s status as an adoptee everywhere I go, they are just my child.

Horrific idea albeit his heart is in the right place and deep down when challenged he'd probably admit that. Do you have children with DP? Only as the next idea of his might be that he stays with you for a bit to try and sort him out.

It's not irrelevant at all. Childhood trauma can cause teens to go off the rails.

ETA Just seen your response to another similar response to you. The adoption is still relevant to the post, as it gives reason (childhood trauma) for the situation the teen is now in, which will influence the responses given. It is also relevant to the financial situation as they likely have a higher tolerance for his behaviour, due to his difficult/traumatic start to life.